Plump Fiction Page #8

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I know they will

still live on and on...

Somebody should've filmed this sh*t.

Somebody should've filmed this sh*t.

Somebody should've filmed this sh*t.

Probably be nominated for an Oscar,

unless, of course,

the filmmaker was a black man,

he was a black man,

he was a brother.

Then he won't be nominated

for sh*t!

They won't even show his

tuxedo-wearing ass during the telecast.

(PHONE RINGS)

Come on, come on! Come on, Bunny,

answer the f***in' phone!

(MAGICAL MUSIC)

(TRIUMPHANT FLOURISH)

Watch where you're going,

you f***in' dweeb.

Houston, we have a problem.

(SOBS)

Would somebody help him

with the f***in' script?!

(WON DROUS MUSIC)

Nell free! Nell got job.

Nell work on fee film.

(CHUCKLES)

What'd you say?

(LAUGHS)

Nobody knows. Nobody cares.

But she works for free and makes

a hell of a cappuccino. Nice job.

(INDISTINCT MESSAGE OVER RADIO)

E.T. phone home!

E.T. phone home!

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Finally, the script.

Wait a minute. What the f***?

This script is totally f***ed.

I know. I know. I tried to put it

all back together, but I couldn't.

It's all messed up.

It doesn't make any sense.

I know. I love it!

You do?

Who cares what comes when?

That's so mainstream.

Long as it's bloody and violent.

Maxwell, we're gonna shoot this.

I have another script

I'm planning to drop.

(HOT CHOCOLATES

'YOU SEXY THING')

How do you feel now, Jimmy'?

Fabuloso.

Let's run for the border.

SONG:
I believe in miracles

Where you from?

You sexy thing...

I'm in the mood for some

fried chicken. Gimme the wheel.

Gimme the wheel! No! No, no!

I'm gonna hit the sign!

Yeah, look, you stopped me!

(BICKERING CONTINUES)

Where did you come from, baby?

How did you know I needed you?

How did you know

I needed you so badly?

How did you know

I'd give my heart gladly?

Yesterday,

I was one of the lonely people

Now you're lying close to me...

Gimme your hand.

No-one's gonna die here.

You gimme your hand.

No-one's gonna die.

Maybe over there someones gonna die,

but no-one's gonna die here.

Give... Er... Urgggh!

She gets a piece of spinach

caught on her lip.

You mean to tell me

you ain't gonna help her?

Spinach and pubic hair

ain't the same thing.

Man, what the f*** you talking,

pubic hair, man?

MAN:
No. Cut it. Cut it. Cut it.

Tripped over a wire.

Keep going, guys. Keep going.

MAN 2:
I'm out of focus now.

Motherf***er, what you talking,

pubic hair? That don't mean sh*t.

MAN:
Move it! Move it! Oh, man!

(CREW GIGGLE)

MAN 2; Cut it!

Oh, f***ing... dog.

I'll be the one

Did you know

you're everything I prayed for'?

Did you know,

every night and day for'?

Every day, needing love

And satisfaction

Now you're lying next to me

Giving it to me

I believe in miracles

Where you from, you sexy thing?

Sexy thing, you...

Here's De Niro in 'Frankenstein'.

Did you f*** my bride?

Did you f*** my bride?

I think you did.

You been f***ing my bride, uh?

Well, you're a lousy shot!

My glasses fogged up, baby.

I was think...

Go ahead, hit me.

Grab everything,

we are leaving now!

MAN:
Cut!

(LAUGHTER)

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Bumpkin, get this down to the

warehouse at La Brea and Washington

right away.

OK.

And this time...

And this time, don't screw it up.

Smokin'!

Where you from, you sexy thing?

Sexy thing, Y9

I believe in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thing

Whoa-oh! Touch me!

Kiss me, darling

I love the way you hold me, baby

Ah, ah! It's ecstasy...

I'd like to sing...

a few songs for you.

My rendition...

of a Christmas song I...

It brings... memories.

But... but our story's

all over the news.

Good. Let's go back

and write them a...

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

I can't do it!

MAN:
We'll do one more.

I am a human being.

(SLOBBERS) Not an animal.

SONG:
I'm your boogie man

That's what I am

I'm here to do

Whatever I can

Be it early morning

Late afternoon

Or at midnight

It's never too soon

To wanna please you

To wanna keep you

To wanna do it all

All for you

I wanna be your

Be your rubber ball

I wanna be the one...

You know how they, in the cartoons

and in the commercials,

they got those little shells

covering her breasts?

Right. Right.

They had nothing.

Yeah, just those two

surf-and-turf titties hanging out

in the Disney daylight.

Get outta town, babe.

You gotta be kidding me.

No, these two...

You know they do that in Vegas'?

Just nothing up top, man.

It's heavy. I can only see it

with one eye, though, babe.

Slowly, I'd pull a cream puff

out of my cleavage and then I'd eat it.

(CHOMPS)

Gotta pull off my you-yous!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

MAN:
Cut!

Come on, please!

Two big, runny handfuls

of peach cobbler.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER)

MAN:
Cut!

MAN 2:
Did you find it...

('I'M YOUR BOOGIE MAN'

CONTINUES)

Hello. I'm Priscilla...

Queen of the desserts. We know.

We were here last night.

Don't you ever go home, fruity?

I'm working a double.

Whatever.

Listen...

...pumpkin head,

big lips,

pie head,

fat lips,

pie head,

juicy,

we had this briefcase...

(LAUGHTER)

MAN:
And cut.

WOMAN:
That was so good!

Let's just stay cool

and open up the briefcase.

We'll open it, but we...

MAN:
Cut!

(LAUGHTER)

Fa-la-la-la-la. Fa-la-la-la.

I'm Jimmy.

White Christmas.

WOMAN:
This guy sucks.

Excuse me. Whoa.

Where are you going'?

MAN:
We're leaving.

MAN 2:
Yeah, we're gone.

Excuse me.

You don't like my singing?

You suck.

Well, f*** you, a**hole.

Hey!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Hair up in a bunch,

just titties just hanging out.

You'd better believe it.

I love it, babe.

Used to do that

with Italian chicks in Vegas.

Lost my marble over it.

I'm your boogie man, uh-huh

I'm your boogie man

Uh-huh

I'm your boogie man

Uh-huh

I'm your boogie man

Uh-huh

I'm your boogie man

Uh-huh

Whoo!

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ah-ah

Ooh, ooh, ooh

J"Ah, ah...

This has been one long, mixed-up,

crazy, out-of-sequence kind of day.

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