Plunkett & Macleane Page #3

May I say how sorry I am

to hear about last night's misadventure?

I promise you

the villains will be disembowelled.

That's thoughtful of you.

May I say you danced...

Oi!

Estelle D'Arcy's here.

The richest woman in England.

I know.

So what the f*** you standing there for?

Get on it. Find out

where she keeps her stuff.

I've just been dancing with Rebecca.

The thought of "getting on"

to Estelle D'Arcy is unthinkable.

Well, think of Rebecca and the money.

She won't want a pauper.

- Show a bit of character!

- All right!

Captain James Macleane.

At your service.

Whatever do you mean?

Surely not here.

Oh, my angel. My siren's song.

You've ambushed me

in the forests of your hair.

You've drowned me

in the pools of your eyes.

You've shackled me...

Oh, do shut up!

F*** me!

I'm ruined.

I am finished! It's all your fault,

you misbegotten pimp.

How was I to know she had the pox?

I should have realised.

The richest woman in England.

Of course she's got the pox!

- Calm down. It'll be worth it.

- Worth it!

My John Thomas

is a complete disaster area!

- Look!

- I don't wanna look.

Look! Look!

Jesus Christ.

And you say it'll be worth it!

The whole paraphernalia's on fire!

Information is all you care about.

Information, information.

America, America, America.

I hope you drown on the way!

And Rebecca's lost to me.

How can I make love to her with the pox?

Agh.

What's that? Ugh.

Plunkett's Patent Pox Cure.

Used to be an apothecary, didn't I?

- What?

- Does it work?

It has been known, yeah.

Just be very careful, all right?

Typical aristocracy.

She gives you the pox...

...and then four days later

she's marrying someone else.

- Poor bastard.

- Rich bastard.

Marriage la mode, my dear Plunkett.

- Love you, darling.

- I love you, too.

Love her fortune, that is.

There they are:

the Devonshire diamonds.

- See your Rebecca's here.

- Is she?

- Where? Where?

- End of the table, right-hand side.

Bastard!

What rhymes with Rebecca?

Pecker. How is the old, er...

- Ah, much better, thank you.

- Good.

I think it's got bigger,

if you can imagine such a thing.

I'd rather not.

- Right, let's get going.

- Yes.

My new mask.

Shall we?

Right. Three minutes.

Oh, hello! Look at these.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I crave your attention, but not

half so much as I crave your valuables.

- This is part of the entertainment.

- Bloody realistic.

Not part of the entertainment.

I am the Gentleman Highwayman.

- The most wanted man in England!

- Oh, marvellous.

Men and women tremble when they

see me, but for very different reasons.

Good, isn't he?

- Pin.

- Please don't take that.

- It was given to me by my mother.

- I consider it my duty, as a gentleman...

...to inform the lucky bridegroom

that his bride is afflicted with the pox.

Lies! Lies!

How dare you? How dare you

spoil my wedding feast?

- Shoot these blackguards!

- You didn't f*** her, did ya?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

You have been a most attentive

and, I trust, rewarding audience.

Let's go.

Come back!

Come back, you thieving shits!

Get back here now!

Come back!

- Come back!

- Wait for me.

Come back!

Who were those buggers?

Buggers with style, my darling.

Buggers with style.

- Out of my way.

- Party over.

F***ing brilliant!

Fake!

Imitation.

Paste.

Glass. F***ing aristocracy!

Still, I was fabulous...

...and it was a bloody good laugh, huh?

No more spending,

no more gambling, no more laughing.

- All right?

- What are you talking about?

We can't afford it.

You've clawed your way up

from the gutter, haven't you, Chance?

- You could say that, sir.

- I do say that, sir.

What's it feel like to look down on your

humble origins from the dizzy heights?

Does it make you giddy?

Make you fearful of slipping and stumbling

and falling back into the slime?

If I may be so bold

as to remind your lordship...

That you bribed me

to keep your path clear?

Hm. And a damn good job I've made of it.

But your inefficiency has caused the

prime minister to turn against us, Chance.

We must catch those two to stem the tide.

I promise you, sir, within a month...

A month!

Today, Chance. Now!

- You and I stand or fall together.

- Indeed, my lord.

I promise you, sir,

they will be caught and punished. I give...

Lady Rebecca, you look more radiant

than ever, if I may say so.

You are too kind.

- I could be kinder.

- Mr Chance...

...I do believe you have halitosis.

Stand and deliver!

- Bugger off!

- Cheers, mate.

Stand and...

I pay you...

...yet you do nothing.

I pay you...

...yet you do nothing.

I pay you.

Why?

Two highwaymen...

...still free and able to rob

and go as they please.

And you...

You do nothing.

- How long has it been, Eddie?

- Nearly a month, Mr Chance.

Nearly a month, Mr Chance.

What the hell is going on?!

Plan of action!

I want you to visit

every firework-maker...

...every gunpowder warehouse...

...every apothecary in London.

- There's hundreds of them.

- What was that, Joshua?

- Nothing, Mr Chance. Nothing.

- On your knees.

- I didn't say anything.

Kneel down.

Mr Chance, I didn't...

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth!

Swallow it!

Swallow it.

We must...

...have discipline.

Dog's bollocks! That was close.

Yeah.

- We can't stay here long.

- No, no.

Long enough to celebrate.

Hm?

Yeah.

- Yes?

- It's me. I wanna go.

- Yes. In a minute.

- Well, hurry up!

It's Rebecca...

- Please, sir, don't.

- Come back!

F***ing leave her.

You f***ing leave her!

F***!

Oh! Agh!

Plunkett, no! No! No!

Not here, not now!

What's going on here?

This vermin threatened me with a knife.

Yeah? Next time it won't be a threat.

I demand satisfaction, sir.

Tomorrow... at dawn.

- He is my servant. Etiquette forbids it.

- F*** that!

Oi!

Ten paces, please, gentlemen,

and turn and wait.

I will then release this handkerchief...

...whereupon you may advance

and shoot in your own time.

Proceed, gentlemen.

- What a shot! What a shot!

- Yes!

Thank the Lord!

My turn.

I believe I am entitled to my shot.

But he bloody cheated!

Let him take it.

Sh*t.

Sh*t!

Agh!

Oh, my God!

He's hurt. He's hurt. He's hurt.

He's all right.

Where on earth did you find him?

The church, actually. Yes.

He was on the verge of taking holy orders.

Oh. And did you instruct him

in the use of the pistol?

Everything he knows of the martial arts,

madam, he learnt from me.

More tea, Mr Plunkett?

- Fruit cake?

- No, I'm all right, thanks.

I understand the gentleman with whom

you duelled is still thirsting for your blood.

I'll drink him under the table.

Quel courage, Monsieur Plunkett.

When a brave new gentleman

comes upon the scene...

...we ladies are quite aflutter.

Mr Plunkett...

...have you rescued

any maidens in distress?

- Well, erm...

- I'm sure he would have rescued me...

...had he been at hand

when I was ambushed by highwaymen.

Plunkett prefers rescuing innocent dragons

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