Pocketful of Miracles Page #6

- I don't know.

Dave, you gotta forget all this.

You gotta meet with Darcey.

That's the deal of a lifetime.

That's our living. What is all this?

I don't know.

And I don't want you to tell me.

But what are you? A boy scout?

Are you a tambourine shaker?

A million do-gooders are standin' in line

to help the hardly-ables like Apple Annie.

Stay in there and pitch, sister.

You see, you're Dave the Dude,

not Little Boy Blue.

What are you talking about?

Little Boy Blue? Come here.

- Ain't she always been lucky for me, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.

If I don't help her out of this jam,

how long d'you think my luck would last?

You wanna help her? Help her. But you

can't palm that crocodile off as society.

She couldn't fool

a pedigree cocker spaniel.

- We'd have to clean her up some.

- Some? Look at her.

A ragpicker wouldn't

stick his hook into her.

Well, here they are. The miracle workers.

Here's my maid, manicurist,

hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse,

and the pice de rsistance, Pierre

of the Saxon Plaza. Pierre the divine.

- Take a bow, toots.

- Madame.

All right, gang. Here's your challenge.

Come on, Annie.

Stand up and meet your makers.

This has got to be a complete overhaul,

kids, from top to bottom.

- Don't forget a new set of kidneys.

- Let's go, Annie.

Come on, wizards. Let's wiz.

My old lady always said you can't make

a pig's ear out of an old sow.

Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre.

Huh!

- Wait a minute. He can't go in there.

- Oh, that's all right.

Believe me, fellas, it's all right.

- Hey, boss, you payin' for all of this?

- Fun, eh?

Let's see if we can get it back from

the bookies. What's running at Hialeah?

- Here's the morning line-up.

- Thanks. Read 'em off to me.

People! Go figure them.

- Scratch 5, 7 and 12.

- Right.

It's important that these apples

are kept here all the time.

- What's your handle?

- Pardon?

- Your name.

- It's Hutchings, sir. Hutchings. With a g.

OK, Hutch. This oughta take care of the

help for a while. Split it up amongst them.

- They know to keep their mouths shut?

- And their ears.

- Told 'em what'd happen if they didn't?

- Yes, sir.

Don't do that, please.

Oh, my feet.

I never wanna see shoes again.

Gentlemen, may I present

Mrs E Worthington Manville.

She's like a cockroach

what turned into a butterfly!

Dude,

I'll never forget this.

Never.

God bless you.

Well... You... You could've fooled anybody.

Well, you're gonna need a little

walking-around money, so...

here you go.

I guess everything's all set now, huh?

Good luck, Annie.

Joy Boy, Junior, come on.

- How do we contact Little Switz?

- They call your apartment every hour.

- We make the next call.

- Hey!

- Where do you think you're going?

- I did what you wanted, didn't I?

I postponed my wedding a week because

you asked me to make a lady out of her.

Don't think you can run off and leave me

holding the bag. No offence, Annie.

Look, woman, the Dude

has gotta make some bread.

If I can stall my wedding,

he can stall his short cut to Sing Sing.

For Pete's sakes, Queenie,

what else do you want?

I don't want anything. But what about

the husband she's supposed to have?

- Husband?

- That's a man who marries a woman.

- Whose husband?

- Annie's!

The Honourable E Worthington

Shmerthington! Who's gonna dig him up?

Dude?

Louise...

my daughter...

does expect a stepfather.

Well... go get her one.

- Can't you do anything yourself?

- Who's she gonna get?

- Shimkey, the blind man? Or Smiley?

- You find her one.

You're the one who needs her,

Mr Big, not me.

I got cafeterias. I don't need apples.

The Dude's whole future depends upon

this deal. Can you get off his back?

His whole future depends on Annie,

and don't you forget it, frog-face.

- You're a troublemaker.

- You're a selfish schtoonk!

All right, all right, all right!

I'll find her a... a husband.

This is beautiful. All right, Joy Boy, go

tell Darcey that the Dude ain't available

cos he's diggin' up a husband for some

old souse cos he's nuts about her apples.

Where am I gonna find a husband?

Where am I gonna find a husband?

In Macy's basement?

They don't sell 'em there, boss.

Yeah.

Me?

You.

I think he'd be just precious!

Oh, that would be a great idea.

There's only one problem.

I got a wife that's very fussy.

She don't like for me

to go around marryin' people!

Now, I know that might sound

very selfish to you,

but she's very funny that way.

I know his wife. He's right.

She's a selfish buffalo.

- Dude?

- What?

I got an idea.

What?

I know one real gentleman

I'm sure we can trust.

We? Oh, now we're all partners!

You know Judge Blake?

Judge Henry G Blake. That's our man.

When did you ever trust a judge?

For a proposition like this

we need a guy with class, with dignity,

a gentleman of the old school, and...

a thief.

Judge Blake, the guy that told you you

could shoot pool was yankin' your ankle.

Sucker's ready to bite.

Up in Providence, where I'm out of,

an amateur like you would lose his pants.

An excellent argument

for never visiting Providence.

I hate to do this to you, Judge,

but I got a reputation to keep up.

- And that does it.

- Astonishing!

Willie Hoppe couldn't do better.

You pool-hall poltroons.

Once again you lured me into a game with

a master, solely for your own amusement.

- You're just warmin' up. Another game?

- I came here to slay a sombre afternoon,

not to be made sport of

by Pecksniffian oafs.

Aw, go on, Judge. It's only a nickel a ball.

What do you say

we double the bet one time?

Ten cents a ball?

Why, that's a veritable fortune.

- Afraid, huh, Judge?

- Afraid?

- I'll make it 50 cents a ball.

- OK. You got yourself a deal.

Attendant, rack 'em up.

Hey, Judge.

If you will excuse me, while you break,

I'll have a word with an associate justice.

Greetings, my intellectual giant. What

brings you down to Kew in lilac-time?

The Dude wants to see you.

Your master's timing

is most regrettable, my dear Junior.

- I have a plump pigeon in my sights.

- Huh?

Within the hour Providence is going to

provide next month's room rent.

- Come on, Your Honour. It's your shot.

- By your leave, sir. My pigeon is cooing.

A little shaky, huh, Judge?

My boy, the impatient blade

is about to descend...

on your red hick's neck.

Oho!

Oho!

That was the bedroom.

Over here, that's the billiard room.

Down here's the guest rooms.

- Pretty classy layout, huh, Judge?

- Lovely, lovely.

The beauty of the Taj Mahal,

the serenity of Melrose Abbey.

Sir, "If thou wouldst view

fair Melrose aright..."

"Go visit it by the pale moonlight."

"For the gay beams of lightsome day

Gild, but to flout, the ruins grey."

- Oh, my!

- To Scott.

- He'll do.

- Yeah.

Judge, think you could force yourself

to shack up here for a week?

- Is he for real?

- He comes with the coop.

If this is a deal, you get yourself

a new set of rags and 100 clams.

What do you expect from me for all this

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