Pocketful of Miracles Page #7

opulence? I'm a poor hand at violence.

You're a lock for this gag.

All you gotta do is be a husband.

A husband? Impossible.

I'm twice a widower now,

thanks to my fleetness of foot

and the grace of distance.

No, you don't have to marry the dame.

Just be a husband for one week.

Queenie! Come here a minute, will you?

Judge, you've heard of

Queenie Martin, haven't you?

My cup runneth over.

Queenie, meet the judge.

I told you I'd find you a good husband.

Madam, this is a great honour,

a rare experience,

and a pulsating pleasure.

Oh, Your Honour.

Yeah. With a new set of clothes

he'll just make it fine.

Thank you. I'll do my best. But at my age

the libido is most unpredictable.

Don't worry about that.

- What'd you say?

- Your humble servant, madam.

And your eager spouse.

- That's the best offer I've had all day.

- No wonder he's drooling.

Listen, you fricasseed Casanova. Not her.

You're gonna marry Apple Annie.

- Apple Annie?

- Apple Annie.

Even as a jest, Dude, that's an insult.

Junior!

Apple Annie. Preposterous!

A creature of the pavements, a... a...

a frowsy hag, with the breath of a dragon.

Sir, despite my larcenous impulses,

I am a gentleman.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Annie.

Annie?

That's Annie.

Apple Annie?

Annie, the judge was just saying

how pleased he'll be to be your husband.

Thank you, Judge.

I'm deeply grateful.

The pleasure, I assure you,

dear kind and charming lady,

is entirely mine.

You're all set now, Annie. You got yourself

a husband. Now you'll go to the boat.

Yeah. God bless you, Dude.

God bless you.

OK.

Joy Boy, let's go.

Sure you don't wanna kill a couple

of hours, take some family pictures?

Sir?

Sir!

Sir, pardon me.

I will see that everything is done, sir,

notwithstanding my cardiac.

- What?

- Oh, you can trust me, sir.

I've had commando training.

The Boer War, you know.

I shall need at least a score

of your henchmen, very rugged ones.

- A hollow square will hold them.

- What are you talking about?

The ship's reporters.

They interview the arriving celebrities.

They will want to know from the count

why he came to America.

Holy Toledo. I forgot about the reporters.

- Why didn't you think of that?

- Why didn't I think of it?

Come on, Junior. We gotta round up

the boys. What time does the ship get in?

I hope it sinks.

Take a walk.

Has she seen the kid yet?

- She's still looking.

- She's still looking.

- How do I look?

- Beautiful. Like a star.

I can hardly believe it. In a few minutes

I'll have my baby in my arms.

- Do you see her yet?

- No, not yet.

Dude, stay close to me. I'm so frightened.

At least the boat's on time.

- What about reporters?

- I took care of 'em.

The Dude has woven a chain

of missing links around us.

Hey, look. There's Dave the Dude.

Yeah, with his whole mob.

Let's stick around. I've been waiting

ten years to pin something on that Dude.

There she is! There she is! Louise!

Louise! Louise, darling!

Louise! Louise!

Louise!

Louise!

Louise! Louise!

She saw me. She recognised me.

Louise!

Mama! Mama!

Mama!

My baby. My baby.

My Louise.

I can't believe it, after all these years.

Why, you're a grown woman.

- And so beautiful.

- Oh, Mama, you are too.

I would've known you anywhere.

What are they doin' now, Sal?

Huggin' and kissin'.

Is she happy?

- She's crying.

- She's crying.

I want you to meet Count Alfonso Romero

and his son Carlos Romero.

This is my mother.

- How do you do?

- Madam.

How do you do?

Darling, this is your stepfather,

Judge Manville.

Mother's written me

so much about you, Father.

I want you to meet Count Romero

and his son Carlos.

- How do you do?

- Welcome to America, my dear Count.

We've looked forward to your visit

with considerable relish.

This is a glorious moment for everyone.

Oh, how stupid of me.

- Louise, this is your, um...

- Aunt. Aunt Betty.

- Aunt Betty.

- And Uncle David.

- I never knew I had an aunt and uncle.

- Yes, dear. David is your father's brother.

I'm so pleased.

Mother never wrote a word about you.

That's because he's always been

the black sheep of the family.

May I present Count Romero,

and Carlos Romero.

This is my Aunt Betty and my Uncle David.

- How do you do?

- Nice to meet you. Will you excuse me?

Excuse me. I'm the ship news reporter.

You lookin' for somebody, kid? What is it?

- You talking to me?

- No, your Aunt Tillie.

- They made me the ship news reporter.

- No kiddin'?

- I gotta check the passengers.

- There's no passengers on that boat.

- What do you call those people?

- Spanish sailors. They all dress like that.

- Hey, what kind of a gag is this?

- This is no gag. You gotta go to pier four.

- The Jersey ferry just hit an iceberg.

- Then it got shot up by a submarine.

- One of ours.

- A catastrophe.

- Terrible thing.

- Worse than the Lusitania.

Take this man to pier four in the Bronx.

- Pier four ain't in the Bronx.

- It's in the Bronx. It moved.

- How many is that?

- That's five, and we're runnin' out of cars.

You wait here

while I get Count Romero.

You will come with me.

Take a walk.

I want you to take some

very good pictures of the count.

- Can I help you, mister?

- I doubt it, sir.

- I am the Spanish consul and...

- I was just looking for you.

- You were?

- Yes. Immigration.

We're holding Count Romero

because of some rare Spanish disease.

Rare disease? But there is

no such thing as a Spanish disease.

- Lieutenant.

- Yes, Sergeant?

It's worse than expected. They say they'll

take the count away in a straitjacket.

I'm sure the consul here

can straighten things out.

- Take the consul to the count's cabin.

- Aye aye, sir.

- This way.

- Don't get too close to the count.

This is fantastic! I am going to take this

to the secretary of state himself.

You should, sir.

Looks like the Dude's

got a new swindle going.

The Dude's too smart to pull anything

in the open. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Let's have

a little chat with him anyway.

OK.

Gangway. Gangway. Gangway.

Mr Dude, sir, a couple of coppers

are comin' to put the arm on you.

Holy cow.

Junior, start a brannigan.

Sock the Weasel.

- Sock the Weasel? He's my brother!

- Don't argue. Sock the Weasel.

- Hey, Weasel. How's Ma?

- Ma's OK. She's all right.

Good.

Ma told you not to hit me no more!

Fight!

- Amscray. A couple of ullbays.

- Folks, I think we'd best be on our way.

Hi, fellas.

Boy, have I seen New York

in the past four days!

Boss, Queenie says for you

to eat these sandwiches.

- How's tricks with the social mob?

- It's going so great, I'm scared.

First thing, breakfast on gold plates.

Then Queenie herds us into the car

and we go sightseeing all over.

Did you know New York was an island?

- What do you want, boss?

- Got a pastrami?

Yeah. Ma thought I was nuts.

Hey, Joy Boy. We passed by a zoo,

and what do you think I saw? A cow!

Here's your yoghurt.

- Guess who's buried in Grant's Tomb.

- Will you leave me alone with the tomb?

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