Police Academy

Hello.

Tackleberry.

We're gonna miss you around here.

The police academy's getting themselves

a real fine recruit.

May I go now?

Affirmative, sir.

Yes, of course, 10-4.

You guys.

Surprise.

The lot's full, mister!

Look, don't give me that crap.

- You've got a space.

- The lot's full, sir, really.

Find a spot, d*ckhead.

- D*ckhead?

- That's right. Where is the manager?

D*ckhead?

Park the car, butt breath!

Butt breath?

Wait a minute. Hold everything.

That's a wig, isn't it?

- Park the car.

- Yeah, that's a wig!

Wig!

Park the car, a**hole! Shut up!

Girls! It's a rug! It's a...

Mahoney? What the hell's going on here?

Hi, Lou.

This rude little punk won't park my car.

- Mahoney, park this car.

- Take a look. If you can find a spot...

Do it now or you're fired.

You understand? Fired.

That's not fair.

The guy has a bad attitude.

Do it.

I want you to apologize to this man,

then park his car.

Yes, sir.

- I'm sorry.

- Get out of here.

And clean the ashtray while you're at it.

I'm sorry, Lou.

You just can't get good help these days.

...respect for anything.

They don't respect customers or property.

They don't respect respect.

Holy sh*t! Jesus!

It fits! Damn thing fits.

I thought there were no more spaces.

Am I an idiot or what?

Hi, fellows.

Guys, I don't think I'm supposed to

get the photos wet.

You're gonna pay for this.

Mark my words!

And you wanna know why?

I'll let you know why. It's no secret.

Everybody knows.

I'm joining the police force!

What do you think of that?

Now who's in charge?

Hey, Sarge, it's him again.

I'll call Capt. Reed.

Sit over there, Mahoney.

Sit. And stay there.

What are you in for?

I'll show you.

God damn it, stop that!

No, sir. Not you.

That's terrific. Really.

- What's your name?

- Jones. Larvell Jones.

Monsignor Larvell Jones.

- M.D.

- Let's go, Mahoney.

- See you around, Monsignor.

- Doctor Monsignor.

Why can't you stay out of trouble?

What's wrong with you?

Last week, disturbing the peace.

Week before that,

destroying private property.

And I'm getting tired of saving your butt.

I only do it because of your father.

- He was a good friend.

- Yeah, I know.

Mahoney, I've made a decision.

I ain't gonna help you this time.

You're going to the county lockup.

Lockup?

Why? I didn't do anything really major.

- Then I'll make a deal.

- Anything.

I want you to go to the police academy.

The police academy?

Even if you never graduate,

the training will be good for you.

Wait a minute, Reed.

Listen, you've seen

the commercials on TV?

The academy's taking all kinds these days.

Anybody can get in.

Even you.

No deal. That's nuts.

It's either that or the lockup.

- Police academy or jail.

- Will I get my own squad car?

You'll get 14 weeks

of academy training and discipline...

starting Monday morning.

Fourteen weeks.

They can throw you out.

But you can't quit.

If you quit, you're back in jail.

And that's the deal.

- Can I bring a friend?

- Who?

Monsignor Larvell Jones.

He's my personal physician.

You decide.

Honey, please don't go. I love you.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

I worry about you.

You're so accident-prone.

And the police academy

is such a dangerous place.

Honey, don't worry. I'll be okay.

Everything will be okay.

You start that car

and you're a dead man, buster.

Honey, I'm late.

You pull out of that driveway

and I'll have your head on a pole!

You move this car an inch

and you're finished, mister! You hear me?

Of all the things that you could be

in this world, why a policeman?

A policewoman, Mother.

- But why?

- Because it's exciting. It's different.

I'll be able to meet interesting

and unusual people.

...right now! If you don't pull over...

People who aren't like you and me.

- Look, it's the chief.

- Really?

Hey, mention my name.

Cadet Kyle Blankes reporting for duty, sir.

Get away from me, you a**hole.

Yes, sir!

- Where are we, man?

- Ecuador.

Here we are. I got to go now. Bye.

Okay, girls, remember, I love yous.

Introduce yourself around, man.

Take good care of my car! Bye, babies!

Excuse me.

Do you know all those women?

Sure. They're my girlfriends.

- All of them?

- Yeah.

- Carey Mahoney.

- I'm George Martin.

Let's be pals, George.

You're an interesting guy.

You a cadet?

I am until I can get myself

thrown out of here. I'll be gone by 10:00.

You joined the academy

to get thrown out?

- That's right.

- You're a pretty interesting guy yourself.

Look at that.

Just look at that.

Look at that scum.

When I went through this academy

every cadet was the right weight...

the right height, the right color,

and they all had johnsons, Lassard.

Every single one of them.

"Johnsons?"

You know.

Back in the old days, there were johnsons

as far as the eye could see.

And what a lovely sight it was.

Have you seen these applications?

Have you seen what our new lady mayor

has brought us?

Do you know she is attempting...

to dismantle one of this country's

great institutions of law and order?

What do you say to that, Lassard?

The b*tch.

- Commandant?

- Yes, Chief.

The mayor says

we've got to take this flotsam.

But that doesn't necessarily mean

we have to put them on the force.

You get my drift?

Weed the undesirables out.

- Get rid of them.

- No problem, Chief.

We'll start washing them out

this morning.

We don't throw them out.

They must be encouraged

to quit on their own.

- Do you understand?

- I think I understand, sir.

Thank you, Lt. Harris. I'm sure you do.

- Lassard?

- What?

Do you understand?

It's clear as glass, Chief.

Good. Then we all know what to do.

Sure are a lot of spades around here.

Which I think is good.

Very good for the academy.

What the hell are you doing here?

I wanna be a police officer.

What? I can't hear you.

I wanna be a police officer.

Don't unpack.

Time to get thrown out.

- What's your name, cadet?

- Thompson, sir.

- You live around here?

- No, sir.

What's your telephone number?

Come on, eyes front. Telephone number.

Okay, let's see the thighs.

Come on, I haven't got all day. The thighs.

- What in the hell are you doing?

- Meeting women, sir.

What's your name, dirtbag?

Dirtbag?

- Your name?

- Mahoney, sir.

- Get back in line, Mahoney.

- Sir, can I have a second with you?

I don't really belong here.

I'm not ready for this place...

Get back in line.

Now!

Mom, it's all right. Don't worry.

Come here, Princess!

My name is Cmndt. Lassard.

Welcome to the new police force.

Your training time here will last...

fourteen weeks.

You will be schooled in firearms...

police procedures, local laws,

and many, many other things.

After those 12 weeks,

some of you will be police officers...

and some of you will not.

Some of you will be...

Here at the academy...

You will learn...

Princess.

Princess? Looks more like a prince to me.

- Give me that dog.

- But he's mine, sir.

But he's a queer.

Cadets, proceed to the supply room

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