Police Academy Page #2

and draw your uniforms!

Let's go. Move it!

What about guns?

When do we get guns?

Next.

- I'm a size 9, sometimes...

- Next.

You three dirtbags

report to the academy barber...

before you do anything else.

- Where's that?

- Find it, rat face.

Rat face?

He probably meant the other guy.

What's that?

That's where the commandant

and his wife live.

Excuse me.

- Do you know where we get our clothes?

- Yeah. You got to go right over there.

Here? Okay, thanks.

Just go right in

and tell them that Mahoney sent you.

Be out of here by 3:00.

- Move it, dirtbag, I'm first.

- And I'm next.

For important guys like you, I'll wait.

- Okay, let's go. Take it all off.

- You got it.

- Just a little off the side, please.

- You bet.

You can do that?

Sure. This ain't the army, you know.

Let's go!

We've got to find you little babies

a place to sleep.

Better listen up, you fart-blossoms!

- You sure you said Mahoney?

- Yeah, I even spelled it to them.

Copeland and Blankes, in here!

Sir, this man is my personal physician.

I can't live without him.

Right down here,

I want Fackler and Martin.

Right here, Mahoney and Tackleberry.

Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

Thank you.

I've always wanted to live with a nut.

My pleasure.

- Mahoney, is it?

- Yes, sir. I'd just like to say one more...

The rest of you wimps come with me.

Move it.

Wimps.

You're married?

That's beautiful.

To me, marriage is a sacred institution.

So tell me, you and the wife

do it doggy style or what?

Room ready for inspection, sir!

- Good haircuts, men.

- Thank you, sir.

- Damn good haircuts.

- Thank you, sir.

Men, I've got a little problem here.

It seems I've got

a squad full of scumbuckets.

A whole big bunch of losers.

And I was kind of hoping

that you two fine young cadets...

might help me to just

get rid of a few of them.

What do you say?

Will you help me out?

- Yes, sir.

- Good.

I'm Copeland, sir. Chad Copeland.

Good for you.

Hi, I'm Douglas Fackler.

I always wanted to be a cop.

Lt. Hoffman, report immediately

to the infirmary.

- How do I look?

- That wasn't very funny this morning.

I wasn't trying to be funny.

I'd give anything to see your thighs.

I don't suppose you'd

describe them for me?

Well, they're tan,

very supple, well-rounded...

and luxuriant to the touch.

Absolute silence!

My name is Lt. Harris...

in case you missed it.

This is Sgt. Callahan...

in case you missed it.

We are the meanest instructors here.

We've got you...

because you are the worst people here.

You people are "D" squad.

"D" for dirtbags.

When I say, "Hey, dirtbags!"

That means you.

You people are going to hate my guts

for the rest of your lives.

I am going to make you sorry

that you ever came here.

Now, it is traditional

here at the academy...

for each squad to have

two student squad leaders.

I have chosen Cadets Blankes

and Dopeland. Step out, men.

If these two cadets give you an order...

obey it.

I thought it would be nice...

if we were to close out

our first afternoon together...

with a nice little stroll

around the campus.

Move out, maggots!

Sh*t, this is definitely not Ecuador.

Get up, Barbara. Get up. Move it.

I could show a movie on your butt, fatso!

...nineteen, twenty.

More! I want more!

Fifteen, sixteen...

seventeen, eighteen. Let's go!

Nine, ten...

Attention. Lights out in 10 minutes.

Game over.

A**hole.

Arrest...

procedures...

traffic violations...

high-speed driving...

self-defense...

and you will have many examinations...

which you must pass.

Plus...

you will endure an extremely rigorous

physical training program.

Do you know what that means, Hooks?

I'm not sure, sir.

What?

Voice commands.

We will learn to use our voices

with authority.

Won't we, Hooks?

Have any of you

had any military training?

I served with the U. S. Army

Airborne 209th Special Forces unit.

Anybody else?

You have had

prior military training, Mahoney?

- Yes, but not in this life, sir.

- What?

In a previous life,

I served with Her Majesty's forces in India.

- Interesting sideline...

- lf you're trying to get thrown out...

I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

Impossible? What the hell's going on here?

Have to see the commandant about this.

You will also learn the municipal code.

And you will learn them by heart.

Cadet Mahoney.

Report immediately

to the commandant's office.

Okay, Mahoney, get going.

On the double. Move it.

Lt. Harris, report immediately

to the firing range.

Excuse me.

Callahan, take over.

Howdy?

No one's allowed in here.

Listen, I got a problem, Chief.

It's "Commandant."

Commandant, I'm sorry. Is that your fish?

No, it belongs to a friend.

What do you want?

I want out of here. Right now.

Out of this office?

- No, out of the academy.

- That's no problem. You can just quit.

- I can't quit.

- Of course you can.

Many, many wonderful people have quit

many, many...

Commandant, do you know Capt. Reed?

Yes. Capt. Reed. You're Mahoney.

- You're a special case. You can't quit.

- I know that.

- On the other hand, I can't throw you out.

- Why not?

Because I promised Capt. Reed.

I promised I'd keep you here

the full 24 weeks.

You what?

He told me that I could...

- I'm trapped here?

- Yes, we all are.

This is definitely not for me.

Come on, Hooks, get over the wall.

Move it.

Come on, Hooks, get up.

Skip it. Go around. You won't make it.

Why don't you quit?

Quit. You'll never make it.

Sir, I'm terribly sorry

but I seem to have ripped my pants.

Don't try me, punk.

Now, wise guy...

you run, don't trot...

to the supply room,

and you get a new pair.

Yes, sir. I'll be back later in the day.

Be back in five minutes!

Yes, sir. Sh*t, I'm deaf.

- You got any brown shoe polish?

- I've got cordovan. Who's it for?

Lt. Harris.

Sir! Look, sir, new pants.

What are you doing with that?

Give me that!

All right, you scumbags, you have

30 minutes to shower and get to class.

Let's go. Move it.

Pick it up.

Pick it up, a**holes.

So far, nobody's quit.

But they will.

I told you not to try me, boy.

Stand up.

Now, I want you two squad leaders...

to take Mr. Mahoney here

and run him until he throws up.

Yes, sir.

And then, just after he throws up...

- run him some more.

- Yes, sir.

You are going to learn, Mahoney...

that nobody...

nobody...

screws...

with me.

Pick it up! Come on!

- This is great. Two a**holes, no waiting.

- Come on! Move it!

Would you please just let me

yell at him without interrupting.

Come on, Mahoney, move.

Son, where did you get this gun?

My mom gave it to me.

- Can I borrow it for a little while?

- Sure.

Left, right, left!

You will learn to defend yourselves

without a stick or firearm.

I need a volunteer. Barbara, get out here.

I just ate.

Right where I'm standing.

Right here. Right now.

Come at me with an imaginary knife.

- Do I have to?

- Yes, you do.

I'm not joking. Come on.

Now!

That's how it's done. Who's next?

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