Pontypool

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Mrs. Frenchie's cat is missing.

The signs are posted

all over town:

"Have you seen Honey?"

We've all seen the posters...

but nobody has seen "Honey"

the cat.

Nobody...

until last Thursday morning...

when Ms. Colette Piscine

swerved her car to miss Honey...

while she drove across the bridge.

Well, this bridge,

now slightly damaged,

is a bit of a local treasure.

and even has

its own fancy name:

'Pont de flaque'

Now, 'Colette'...

that sounds like 'culotte'...

That's 'panty' in French.

And 'Piscine' means "Pool"...

"Panty Pool"

'Flaque' also means pool in French.

So, Colette Piscine,

in french 'Panty Pool',

drives across the 'Pont de flaque'...

or 'Pont de Pool',

if you will...

to avoid hitting

Mrs. French's cat...

that's been missing in Pontypool.

Pontypool... Pont de Pool...

Panty Pool... Pont de flaque...

What does it mean?

Well, Norman Mailer,

he had an interesting theory...

that he used to explain the...

strange coincidences

in the aftermath...

of the JFK assassination:

In the wake of huge events,

after them and before them,

physical details -

they spasm for a moment.

They sort of unlock,

and when they come back into focus,

they suddenly coincide

in a weird way:

street names and birth dates

and middle names...

all kinds of superfluous things

appear related to each other.

It's a 'ripple effect'

So, what does it mean?

Well, it means something's

going to happen...

Something big...

But then,

something's always...

about to happen.

No, no, nothing has got to do with you.

You gotta be the worst f***ing agent

in the world!

Come on!

It's not enough to say "I'm working".

It's not enough, do you understand?

Well, if you think it is enough, then

maybe we're not thinking the same way?

You know what I mean?

You know what, Rick?

You're fired! You're fired!

Good.

Now we're both in the same boat...

Oh, Jesus...

What?

Hey!

Hey...

Hey!

Hey...

Who are you?

Who are you...

Who are you...

Who are you...

Who are you...

Okay Mazzy,

come on boy, please.

Be positive.

Morning Mr. Mazzy.

Good morning, Laurel Ann.

I loved your 'Isn't It Ironic?'

this morning.

Love Norman Mailer.

Thanks.

You know, it takes a girl with

big feet to dig old Norm'.

So, did you give me the good stuff?

Let's make radio!

Laurel Ann, do me a favor...

Look up all the information you can

on 911 calls.

How many in a 24h period,

how many hang-ups...

That sort of thing...

and... thanks.

Let's make radio!

Good morning, Pontypool.

This is Radio 660, the beacon.

Down here in the dungeon,

under the street they call 'Drum'.

I'll be...

banging the drum for you

all morning.

I'm Grant Mazzy

and as always...

I'll be takin' no prisoners.

Now... mmm... I got my coffee here.

and taking a look outside...

I'd say... that's our

top story for today, folks.

Now, I had a... a strange experience

on my way in to work this morning.

And I'd like to get some advise

from you people later on.

When do you call 911?

Think about it!

I should mention,

our producer,

the lovely and talented

Ms. Sydney Briar, is here.

And 'lucky' Laurel Ann Drummond...

she'll be our technical cowgirl today.

Now, I didn't know this, maybe you did...

but, uh... this is news to me...

Laurel Ann did a tour of duty

in Afghanistan not too, too long ago...

You're right, there, new guy.

Everybody does know.

She was a "Grand Master"

at last year's Fall Fair.

- Yesterday's news.

- Hey.

I'm... sorry Laurel Ann.

I wasn't the "Grand Master",

I was the "Homecoming Hero"

I am sorry, I... okay?

I'm very bad.

Oooh, Sydney, Sydney, Sydney!

Hey, come on, girl!

- I'm sorry!

- It's okay.

Well, you just heard an honorary

apology from Sydney Briar.

She probably... owes Laurel Ann

quite a few more! Stay tuned!

Now, in our top story today...

a big, cold,

dull, dark, white...

empty, neverending,

'blow-my-brains-out'...

seasonal affective disorder...

freaking 'kill-me-now'

weather front...

that'll last... all day.

Or maybe,

when the wind shifts, later on...

we'll get a little green-house

gas relief from the industrial south.

'Hail Mary, Yea, though I walk'...

we go to Ken Loney...

in the 'Sunshine Chopper'.

It's always brighter

above the clouds, Grant.

Hey, Ken, how're you doin'?

How are things in that bird up there?

You're gonna stay up there during the storm?

Yes, Sir.

Yes, Siree,

Well, that can't be safe.

Is that safe, Ken?

Well, I'll be up here, Grant,

on storm watch,

watching all of the routes

in and around our region.

- Really?

- Really, yup.

Okay, Ken. Boy, I wouldn't wanna be a bird,

if this storm hits the way it's supposed to.

Well, folks,

in and outta the region...

Don't call it bird, by the way, Grant.

And leave Ken alone!

go slow folks,

we do have a tractor-trailor...

I think he's just concerned.

carrying wind generator blades...

along the 4-0-1.

So, slow going east-bound.

That's it from the 'Sunshine Chopper'.

Remember drink that fruit,

get's you up, keeps you going.

Thanks you, Ken Loney.

Breaking news

out of Caesarea this morning...

Come on, boy...

There we go!

Breaking news:

The Ontario Provincial Police,

are reporting a major bust...

of a significant grow operation

in a quiet cul-de-sac in that town.

Constable Howard Ing says

it's a sign of things to come.

These, uh... operations in suburban

small town neighborhoods...

are the grow-method

of choices...

Do you smoke pot, Syd?

Yes, I do.

Don't make global warming jokes.

What? I didn't make a joke,

I quoted the Bible.

Ain't no jokes in the bible.

Speaking of the Bible,

we are in a church, not a dungeon.

Thanking you, Constable Howard Ing,

of the Ontario Provincial Police.

You know...

Our local pot growers...

are engaged in a deadly

serious business.

Deadly, uh...

booby-traps...

protecting their operations

from prying eyes.

Land mines...

have been found...

- in the backyards...

- Cool it, Grant!

They have vicious attack dogs and

enough ammunition to arm a small country!

Now, these

are family neighborhoods, folks!

If Junior throws a ball

through one of their windows...

he's just liable to trigger

a death squad!

What are you doing?

My producer says... she's talking in my ear.

Luckily you can't hear her.

- Nobody cares, Grant, about your...

- Sydney says nobody cares.

- Maybe she's right.

- You forgot to do the closures...

- after the billboard, I need you to...

- But I think you do care, region.

"Taking no prisoners"...

you know what that means?

It means full disclosure,

- whatever the consequences.

- No, it's not 'full disclosure', Grant!

'School closure'.

I need you to read school closures.

That's what people need!

This is Radio 6-60,

the beacon...

Hey!... You can't just cut me off

like that! Jesus'...

OK, you know, Grant,

the whole 'full disclosure' schtick...

works better in a bigger context.

Well, actually,

this won't get me fired.

Well, there's that to.

The thing is... is that small towns,

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