Pontypool Page #2

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already come without prisoners.

It's called "gossip" and it's

way ahead of you.

No no, Sidney,

I'm not talking about gossip.

I'm talking about building

a relationship with my listeners.

You know? Shaking 'em up...

a little bit.

OK, we do news, weather,

sports, local spots.

- That's what I need you to do.

- Hmm.

What the hell do you think

you have to disclose to us anyway?

And what it this that you think

we need to hear from you?

I don't know.

Well...

Actually, I do know, Sidney.

I am trying

to piss a few people off,

because that's how it's done...

simple as that.

You see, a pissed off listener...

is wide awake listener,

and he ain't gonna change the station.

In fact, he may just call his pissed off

buddy, and get him to listen too.

And then, his pissed off buddy,

he might call his pissed off...

I don't know...

preacher.

And that, Lady Briar, is how you build

a loyal listening audience.

Uh... okay, well, I... That all sounds

perfectly pleasant, I'm sure, okay?

Um...

You know, Grant, you're first rate,

and you're doing a first rate job...

but just let me

tell you something...

Small towns, they're... they're...

they're fiercely proud places,

with... with proud people.

People who need to know

if the school bus is coming.

And so, if you come in here with your

'take no prisoners' "this"...

and your 'pissing everyone off'

"that",

people are just gonna think

you're a dick!

Okay... Okay.

I... I mean, you're going to

embarrass and alienate...

Okay,

I said okay.

I'm sorry,

it's just the reality.

Okay, uh... Grant,

I...

- I... I want your maziness.

- Okay.

I hired your maziness.

I want the maziness.

I just need the maziness

to come in a little slower,

a little more 'get to know you'.

A little... a little slower.

Yeah, I get it.

I'm not stupid.

That's not what I meant.

I wanted to hear

what he was gonna say.

Come on, he was just gonna talk

about himself.

Okay, Pontypool,

good morning.

You know, I wanna talk to you

about something that has been...

bugging me,

all morning.

Here's my question, Pontypool.

Here... here's my story.

Now, hold on...

I'm driving in to work today, I... and I

pull up to the stop sign at Drum and Main,

and... it's 6.30 in the morning,

and it's cold, and it's dark...

and suddenly, this woman

appears outta nowhere...

I didn't hear her,

and I barely was moving my car.

Suddenly...

she's at my passenger window.

She's babbling something

but I can't...

I can't understand her,

I can't hear her, I don't know what it is.

And then... 'poof'!

She's gone!

So, what do I do?

Do I call 911?

Who do I call?

No one.

Our number is

Let me know

what I gotta do.

Good morning.

Oh, where are you calling from?

Uh-huh.

And what would you like to say

to Grant this morning?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Has my sister called in yet?

No.

Oh, that's weird...

My sister never, ever, ever,

misses a day.

And where's Roger?

It's almost 10.

What are those?

Grant gave us Valentines.

You can put them up somewhere.

You know, he, uh...

he's doing okay.

So, okay sweetheart,

I'm gonna call Mrs. Tripp.

Something's coming in

on the radio.

Roger, where are you?

Yeah. Roger that.

We still have a Code 48 in progress.

It's the fish hut.

- Sydney! Syd!

- Code 48 in progress...

requesting back-up,

weapon's present, 10-4...

Roger that.

- Sandy Hook and Wilmont, Code 48.

- Tell me, so what's Code 48, Laurel Ann?

It means

we have a hostage situation.

- Please, stand by.

- There's nothing on the wires,

so I'm gonna key in

right off the police radio.

Really, there's nothing on the wire?

Okay, so let's not do anything

with this yet.

Fat no,

I'm not getting anything either.

Whatever you do,

don't feed this in to Grant yet.

Oh, sh*t!

Yeah, Grant, it's Gordon calling, uh...

I just wanna throw this idea out there...

about the 9, uh...

the 911...

What if you had another number, that was,

I don't know, like, 912 or something,

that was not for total emergencies,

so if you had to...

get in a gray area...

and, uh... you weren't sure whether

you wanted to call 911, you'd call 912...

I... I... I just have a feeling

it just might catch on.

Some people might,

you know, uh... take it.

Gord, that's a great idea.

You should be running the world.

Pontypool... my Pontypool...

We interrupt

our call-in segment...

to bring you breaking news

out of our area this morning:

Out on Sandy Hook and Wilmont

we have a hostage situation.

Two men are holding

a van load of people at gunpoint.

The van is apparently towing...

a fishing hut.

- Sporadic gunfire has been reported.

- Okay, lose the story, Grant.

We're going to Ken Loney.

We're going to the 'Sunshine Chopper'.

No one knows as yet

what these hostage takers want,

- or whether or not, they even know...

- We know they're drunk,

- the people in the van.

- Grant, it's the end of ice fishing season.

but... this being the end

of ice fishing season...

ice hut removal time...

the chances that everyone

on the ice this morning is drunk,

is a very distinct reality.

Drunk ice fishermen... dare I say:

drunk policemen?

Drunk officers of the law.

Drunk...

Ontario Provintial Police.

It is not yet confirmed

by our sources, of course.

But, police,

possibly drunk,

are reporting that the hostage situtation

has resolved itself.

They have two suspects in custody.

Both unarmed, as it turns out,

and the three people they were

holding have, in fact, fled the scene.

One can only hope,

the Breaking News theme music...

will accompany this story

at some point.

There we go.

Oh, the state of drunkenness

have levelled off...

to acceptable levels

this morning,

as 'Buddy' Bob Roseland and 'Dead Eye'

Derek McCormack, OPP Pontypool Division...

- Wrap it up, Grant!

- have contained the hostage situation.

We'll be back with updates,

as the situation hiccups.

We now go to Ken Loney

in the 'Sunshine Chopper',

for a little perspective

on your morning drive.

Keep an eye out for crazy ladies

in the snow, and remember:

Wherever you're headed,

get there safe!

Come on, you gotta learn to laugh

at yourself sometimes!

The story is not funny.

Derek McCormack

is an alcoholic.

Bob Roseland is an alcoholic.

They're trying to keep their jobs.

Oh...

Derek's my brother-in-law.

Ex... ex-brother-in-law.

Ouch!

- Grant...

- Hm.

Ken Loney is not in a chopper.

What?

The 'Sunshine Chopper'

is Ken's Dodge Dart.

He plays sound effects.

Ken sits up on a hill,

for his aerial view.

And... people are thrilled...

to have him up there in the sky,

flying around in his

'Sunshine Chopper', even though...

Oh man, I bet they are.

Okay.

Okay.

Syd...

Yeah?

I hate winter.

- Everybody does.

- No, not like me.

These late winters, I feel like I'm living

in the basement of the world,

and it's so cold,

and so dark.

Yeah... it is.

Well, you're gonna...

it's gonna be okay.

Oh, and Grant, I... I'll tell you what: when

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