Post Grad Page #2

This is what I'm good at.

When I was 11, at summer camp, all the

other kids would go down to the lake...

and I would be finishing

Catcher in the Rye...

'cause I couldn't get enough

of Holden Caulfield.

And at 13, Bukowski's Post Office...

the most explicit,

inappropriate thing I'd ever come across.

It was like sex ed,

except awesomely foul-mouthed.

Well, I guess what I'm getting at is

that books are all I know...

and everything I love, and...

I want this job because...

well, because I can't imagine

ever doing anything else.

All right. Good. Thank you for coming in.

I got it. Thank you.

- Jessica?

- Hi.

What are you doing here?

They just called me in for a little meeting.

Is that a bow? That's nice.

Jessica Bard?

- Barbara. Pleasure to meet you.

- You too.

Dean Brunswick just called me about you.

So glad I could fit you in.

Please.

I can get another job.

It won't be a problem.

I'm a college graduate.

Well, I didn't know you

were a college graduate.

Okay.

That Happerman & Browning thing...

It just wasn't meant to be.

- You know that, right?

- Yeah.

It's fine.

You should eat one of these.

No, thanks.

You're turning down an Eskimo Pie?

- Mmm.

- Oh, come on. All right.

Every evil, terrible thing

that ever occurs in the world...

is directly offset...

counterbalanced, if you will...

by the complete,

utter joy of biting into an Eskimo Pie.

It's... It's the way

we maintain balance in the universe.

Come on.

Mmm.

Does anyone ever say no to you?

You do all the time.

Okay. Take a bite.

Mmm. Hmm, hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, yeah! It's like God's

just giving birth in my mouth.

Okay. That is the girl

that I fell in love with...

but harbors nothing but platonic feelings

for me, unfortunately.

Y... Your foot is freezing. It's 90

degrees outside, and your foot is freezing.

My feet are always freezing.

I have the feet of an 80-year-old man.

Ooh, that's hot.

Oh, so good.

Mmm.

Wait, wait. Hold... Hold on.

No.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- Shh.

No!

Dad.

Juanita. Wow.

Didn't recognize you

without the cash register.

Hi, Adam.

What the hell are you doing here?

Funny.

I was about to ask you the same thing.

- It's my store.

- Come on. Let's go.

- Sorry, Mr. Davies. - Wait, wait, wait.

Actually, I'm really glad you're here.

'Cause you haven't

been home for a while...

...and you definitely were

not at my graduation.

Look, I don't wanna

get into this with you right now.

- Come on. It's time to go.

- Wait. Juanita, is he paying...

I hope he's paying you overtime for this,

'cause you do have rights.

You should call your union.

Well, welcome back home.

Bet you're excited.

Well, let's have a little look-see here.

- There she is! Hi!

- Hey, Mom.

She's home!

Oh, look at that. That's just a crime. Oh!

- Welcome back, baby.

- Oh, thanks, Mom.

Oh, I'm so glad you're home.

- Uh, Dad, that's gotta get into the shop.

- Huh?

Uh, I'm not so sure.

- What are you doing? - I'm just

looking it over. Gonna be all right.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You... You're not thinking

about fixing this yourself, are you?

Yeah. Just have some faith

in my abilities, honey.

- Usually there's a spot, if I can

just hear it. - But... Dad!

- You've never fixed a car before.

- Honey.

At one point, I'd never roundhouse-kicked

a man in the neck before either.

Now I do it every Wednesday.

My mind's like a sea sponge, honey.

When the synapses get going in Walter

Malby's mind... boom, boom, boom...

It's gonna be fun.

Don't worry about the car. I got it.

I got the car covered.

Let me give you a hand there, Adam.

That-a-boy.

Good. Look at you. You're a self-starter.

Walter! Walter! Walter! Walter!

- Watch your step there. You should

wear work gloves. - There's a derby!

There's a boxcar derby!

Can we make a boxcar?

- Not now. Not now.

- Pretty please? The derby's next month!

- Can we make a boxcar?

- Oh, geez.

Son of a b*tch.

Look at that.

I knew it. Son of a b*tch.

Third time. Third G.D. time!

Goddamn it. That's it.

- Wait. Where are you going?

- Look at this. I gotta...

- Walter, no. Don't. Honey?

- Dad, come back.

What? Goddamn.

- We could go home and clean it. - No.

I gotta talk to him. I'll talk to this guy.

You don't need to disturb him. I mean...

He's not home.

I know he's not working. I don't think

he has a job. Goddamn it. Where is he?

Hi.

Hi.

Um...

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Your cat has now crapped on my doorstep,

in my yard...

and now on my driveway, which around here...

is like church to me.

- Okay? That's sanctuary.

- Well...

I'm really sorry, sir. I am...

I'll talk to him. Yeah. I'll talk to him.

- See you later.

- Okay.

Today you are getting a job.

Today... you're getting a job.

Today.

# What do you say #

# When people turn you away #

# Do you just turn your back #

# And quickly walk away #

# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #

# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #

# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da, da #

# Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da #

The bottom line is, what I lack in

experience, I make up for in vision.

And what I don't know...

I make up for with passion.

# My world, it's on fire now #

# My world is turned upside down #

# And I don't know what to do #

# Without you #

I'm driven. Full of ideas.

I'm upbeat.

Most importantly, I am

incredibly enthusiastic...

About the work your company is doing.

Really? Like what?

#Don't give me a hard time ##

Hunter, I hate getting these calls.

What did I tell you about

licking the kids' heads?

- Don't do it.

- That's right. Ever.

- Okay?

- Fine.

I mean, I know you

like the way it tastes,

but some kids don't like

having their heads licked.

Hey!

How'd it go?

I asked the V.P. if she was pregnant.

- No. She was just fat.

- Oh. Well, that's hard sometimes.

I'm gonna call my friend

Betty from high school.

She owns an indie publishing company.

I'm gonna ask her for a favor.

I'm just gonna do it.

Dad already called her.

Betty's dead.

- Really?

- She died.

That's a shame.

What is it?

- Oh, my God.

- What?

What do you guys think? This one?

Or that little mahogany

number I was in earlier?

Hey, Hunter, come here.

What do you think of Grandma spending

her eternal slumber in this one, huh?

I love it!

- Let's talk about casket ornamentation.

- Ornamentation?

Yes. Casket ornamentation adds a personal

touch many families find comforting.

And we offer a variety of custom corners

and commemorative panels...

to highlight a loved one's passions.

Whatever you want, you could put it

right there on your commemorative panel.

It'll be right with you

through the afterlife.

I'm just not sure about all this.

Thank you.

Really? What do I have to do to put you in

one of my coffins today?

How about a little

magnesium seepage protection system?

Whoa.

That's $18,000.

That's the exact same...

...corrosion and rust technology

that protects our Alaskan pipeline.

- That's what that is.

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