Post Grad Page #5

- We'll buy more cookies.

- You know they're my favorites.

Hey.

- Where's Ryden?

- She's paying her condolences.

F*** me!

Well, I would, but somebody beat me to it.

Cool.

Listen. Dad, I know

that was a little bit awkward, but I...

I just hope you used one.

- One what?

- Used something... That you used something.

Something.

Used a... You know what I'm...

Used a rubber or something like that.

- But...

- Protection!

Oh, uh... But we didn't, uh...

'Cause I'm gonna tell you something.

Herpes isn't a picnic.

It's not a river-rafting trip either, like

they want you to think on that commercial.

- River rafting? - Everybody's

having fun with their herpes out there.

- What?

- You know what?

"lx-nay" on the "oodle-day." That's it.

- "Oodle-day"? - You know what I

mean. I don't want you near that...

Don't... Just stay away from the whole...

- pen... penile area.

- Dad.

Don't even see him anymore.

Don't even see him anymore.

- That's it. You can't see him anymore.

- Or what?

What are you gonna do, ground me?

I'm 22 years old.

Oh, really? Well, you're

forgetting you live in my house.

Well, trust me.

I'm doing everything I can to change that.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

My name's Bill. And I'm a little upset...

to say the least, if you know what I mean.

Okay.

Someone stole two boxes

of my Buckle-O-Bill belt buckles.

World renowned, uniquely crafted.

Word on the street is

you're trying to sell 'em.

You talking about this? This here?

No, no, no. I bought this

legit from Gary the Buckle Man.

I don't know Gary the Buckle Man!

I know you're trying to take

food out of my kid's mouth.

I don't even have a kid.

But if I did, you're taking his food!

- Uh-uh.

- I want my buckle!

- Hey!

- Hey! Hey!

I need at least three feet

of personal space here.

- It's my buckle!

- I'm gonna paralyze you!

Crazy, man.

It's my Delaware!

Two fingers. Two. That's all it takes.

I will call the cops, man!

#I don't know #

#Where I belong #

#And I don't know #

#Where I should go #

Wait. So, you're gonna be a P.A. now?

It's just temporary. Our

neighbor hooked it up.

Wait. Rico Suave from across the street?

That... That old dude

who wears the low-rise jeans?

What? He's 34. He's not that old.

Very specific information you have there.

Hey.

So, uh, tomorrow night?

- Yeah? - I wrote

a little "something something" for you.

- For me?

- Oh, yeah.

- Shut up!

- Yeah, you want a little sneak preview?

- Okay.

- Okay.

# Ryden is beautiful

It's true #

#'Cause she's got eyes ofblue #

# But then one day I tried to kiss you #

#And you said

Oh, n-n-no #

- You're an idiot.

- You love me.

Anyway, so here's the deal.

Tomorrow night, me, you...

that dress.

Zip me.

Uh, yeah. Um...

So, first of all, I'm just gonna rock

the socks off everyone at that show.

Second, you're gonna throw your bra onstage,

just scream like a little girl.

Um... There.

And third,

we're gonna go out to a big, fancy dinner.

- Multiple forks... everything.

- We are?

- Yeah.

- Why?

To, uh, celebrate your new quasi job thing.

- Just to celebrate?

- Yeah.

- That sounds fun.

- Uh, it sounds...

"fan-crapping-tastic,"

is what it sounds like.

Making guacamole for your family...

orjust for yourself used to be a fight.

But now, with the Guacanator...

the Guacanator 3000...

making guacamole is as

easy as uno, dos, tres!

Senor Avocado... he no stand a chance

against the grips of the Guacanator.

The only assault will be

against your taste buds!

Got it. Got it. Okay, cut!

Okay, I got it. All right.

- And we're clear. - This mustache

is crap. The hairs are going in my mouth.

- I can swear I swallowed a couple.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We'll take care of that in a sec, all right?

- Thanks.

- Okay, everyone, take five.

- Take a fiver.

- There she is.

- Hey. - How's the first day

going? As shitty as I promised?

- It's not so bad.

- Well, just wait.

Ah. Psst. Bro. Hey, bro! Yo, dude.

Can I talk to you for a second before

you shoot anything else?

Well, this should be fun.

The script is like a

road map, but the road map...

Can you talk to the catering people? The

meat on this sandwich smells like ass-crack.

- Oh, okay.

- First of all, you're really close.

So, congrats. Bones. Awesome. Sweet.

We're getting so close,

but I just wanna go from the top.

A couple things to make this double awesome.

Give me more Mexican. I gotta get

more Mexican. You know what I mean?

I gotta... Oh! I wanna be

on or across the border.

You know what I mean? "Mexi-can." Not

"Mexi-can't" or "Mexi-could." "Mexi-can."

Like any of that flavor,

literally and figuratively, into it.

- Awesome.

- All right.

Second of all, your shots are boring, bro.

Seriously. Here's an idea.

Did you ever see The Matrix?

Movie about, like, alternative reality.

Okay, that shot... Keanu's, like, up in

the air... Bam! He's in the air. Freeze.

Remember what I'm saying? Yeah, like that.

That's exciting. That's awesome.

But check this out. Instead of Keanu...

it's the Guacanator is up in the air,

and you shoot around it, like, 360, 720.

Like, change the axis.

Like, people are totally gonna blow minds.

Matrix. That's a great idea. Yeah.

- Thank you. I wasn't fishing for that.

I appreciate it. - Maybe while I'm at it...

- I could...

- Bring it. Bring it.

Maybe we could hoist it up on a cross...

and we have The Passion of the Guacamole.

Okay. I get it. Do you think that's funny?

I think you're an idiot.

And I quit.

- Told you... Hollywood.

- Can you hear me?

- Let's go.

- I think I have the wrong channel.

- What?

- Let's go.

Hey. Hey, catch.

Hey, whatever.

All right, I'm gonna shoot this.

Can you put him back in the ring?

I got an idea.

- You're fired!

- Thank you!

#She don't know who she is #

#Oh, I can take her anywhere #

For years I had to deal with

this kind of stupidity.

Come on. Can you believe it?

I mean, you can't imagine how many times

I just wanted to walk off set like that.

- My God, I just walked off set.

- Yeah.

And it looks like I just lost another job.

That feels good. That feels great!

#With you eventually #

#'Cause I am always where I need to be #

#A nd I always thought #

Come on.

- #I would end up with you eventually #

- Ol! Ol!

Can we go? You guys ready?

- Where's your guy? Who's your singer?

- Yeah, he's right behind you.

Hey, man, you're on.

You guys good?

So, my name is Adam Davies.

I hope this doesn't make

anyone too uncomfortable...

but I'm completely naked

under these clothes.

This song is for someone...

I, um, care about a lot.

Ready?

# I'm counting the streetlights #

# It's all I can do #

#While driving myself crazy #

#Trying to get to you #

# Feels wrong at the right times #

#To reveal my hand #

# I'm doing the worst I can #

#To make you understand #

#Maybe one day you will know #

# How hard it is for me to #

#Show my heart #

#With all the love #

# Running through my soul #

# Maybe one day you will know #

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