Postal Page #5

What's wrong with you?

Will you just pull over

and ask for directions?

Get off my back!

You know,

I'm doing my best here, okay?

I should be driving.

What, do you think

you're gonna do everything,

be the face of the organization

and also do the driving?

What is wrong with you, man?

[ polka music playing ]

GIRL:
Mommy, Krotchy!

Aww!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Hey!

[ laughs ]

I'm here at the theme park

Little Germany

with owner and controversial

director Uwe Boll.

[ cheers and applause ]

Uwe, you made your fortune

turning video games

into hit movies,

but this theme park

has always been your passion,

and today is a big day

for Little Germany.

Absolutely.

I'm totally happy

that that freighter

went down from China

with all the Krotchy dolls,

So we, as the only people

in North America

having the Krotchy dolls

exclusively here on sale.

[ cheers and applause ]

Yay!

All right,

what is all this sh*t, man?

[ cheers and applause ]

Ooh, Harry,

it's time to go to work.

Get your hat on.

Let me see.

Yeah!

Watch this. Watch this.

Say "will work for food"

in German.

[ groans ]

You the sh*t.

All right, go on, now.

All right, no $1s.

That's my motherf***er

right there.

Watch out for the flowers,

Harry.

But I want to use the situation

here, where I'm live in TV,

and I want to explain a little

about the financing of my movies

and also from Little Germany,

where the money comes from

because, you know,

there are all the rumors out

that my movies

are financed with Nazi gold.

And what should I say?

It's true.

But somebody must do something

with the money.

MAN:
Ja!

I get a little horny here

onstage sometimes,

if I see a crowd

and all the children.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Master, allow me.

[ radio beeps ]

What about me?

Do your job.

Stupid.

Oh, what,

are you gonna fire me?

For saying "f***"?

Well, fucky-f***-f*** you, Dan.

I'm the f***ing show.

You mind if I go to work now?

Thank you.

Five, four --

I got sh*t in my teeth?

Thank you.

Hi, we're live in Little Germany

in Paradise.

It's an amazing sight.

The crowd

is trembling with excitement.

People have been lining up

for days to be the first

to get their hands

on the coveted Krotchy dolls.

[ footsteps approaching ]

Ladies...

Today we do God's work,

so get in there

and give those boys a God job.

Yes, sir.

[ indistinct talking ]

WOMAN:
Hi, boys.

Uh-oh.

Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.

Oops.

[ chuckles ]

[ giggling ]

Oh, God.

They're so creepy.

Yeah, so?

WOMAN:
Come on, boys!

Can you guys

give me a hand?

Okay.

Let's go.

WOMAN #2:
Come on, boys.

Whoo!

WOMAN #3:
Come here.

[ woman laughs ]

[ laughing ] Huh.

[ gasps ]

Ha ha!

Whoa-ho!

Oh, yes!

Oh, you sexy little

motherf***er.

Unh! Unh!

Gayle, is that Verne's limo?

Uh, I can't see, Bob.

There seems to be a pickup truck

in the way.

A pickup truck?

Well, that's classy.

MAN:
Yo, man.

[ camera shutters clicking ]

[ cheers and applause ]

I just can't possibly explain

how -- how unbelievably sorry

we are, Mr. Troyer.

I personally will take

full responsibility

for this confusion

with the pickup.

I don't want you fired.

I want

your f***ing boss fired.

So, what did you do

with the guards?

They're all worn out.

Mm.

All right.

Okay, ladies.

Get to work

on lifting the crates.

This is great.

That means that...

The whole park is busy

with the pissed-off V.I.P.

Mm-hmm.

That means

my plan is genius!

Yeah.

[ woman straining ]

Come on, cowboy up.

Cowboy up!

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ speaking

native language ]

It's locked.

There must be

another way in!

[ polka music playing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Where's my money, asswipe?

I have even better --

gold teeth.

Hello, Paradise.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ high-pitched voice ]

Help me, Krotchy.

I'm a beautiful lady.

Help me.

Well, you know

what the good and noble Krotchy

says about people in need.

KROTCHY:
Only my father and

my priest can touch me there.

[ both laugh ]

Uncle Dave, look out!

What the f***?

Get to the truck.

We'll meet you out front.

Come on!

Anne Frank, you better have

some chaos out there.

We're coming your way!

This is Anne Frank.

Abort mission!

You come down here,

you'll be arrested in a second!

You are the envy

of the entire country.

Anne Frank,

we need a distraction.

We need a distraction now!

You are the first city

to receive

the officially licensed...

Krotchy doll.

[ cheers and applause ]

Oh, powerful lord,

hear my plea.

Boll, I'm Vince Desi.

What the f*** did you do

to my game "Postal"?

I don't know

what your f***ing problem is.

The movie is great.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh!

Officers, you realize

there's a huge fight going on

onstage right now?

Yeah.

- Yeah.

[ choking ]

Unh!

POSTAL DUDE:
Anne Frank,

we're coming your way now!

[ radio beeps ]

Party's over.

Freaking Nazi

motherf***er!

Get your hands

off me!

For video games!

No!

He shot Harry!

[ all screaming ]

Son of a b*tch!

[ gunfire ]

Aah!

Be careful.

Harry! I'm gonna come

and help you, baby!

[ gunshot ]

[ gunshots ]

Aah!

Whoa!

Ooh!

I hate video games.

[ screaming ]

Aah!

Aah!

Let's get the hell

out of here!

Aah!

[ polka music plays ]

Get out of the way!

Ohh!

Oh! My sh*t!

I'm so sorry!

What are you doing with my sh*t?

- I'm a huge fan.

Let me give you a hand with that.

- Leave it alone.

I had no idea you be c--

A dildo on a stick? That's crazy!

- That's mine.

[ laughs ]

Let me see if I can help

you get everything in!

What are you doing?

Jesus!

What the f***?!

God damn!

What --

God --

I'm in my f***ing suitcase.

[ gunshots ]

Richard, what the f***?

It's a present.

Hey! A**holes!

Uh...

Coffee shop.

Lattes, no foam.

Yeah.

Uh, I got to go.

[ tires screech ]

[ screaming ]

Why did you bring him?

Mind your own business

and get us out of here!

Shut up, you big crybaby.

GREG:

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hey!

Move, move, move, move, move.

Go, go, go.

[ tires screech ]

Let's go, baby.

[ siren wailing ]

Where is...the damn key?

You don't have the keys?

I thought you had the keys.

It's like

when you were a kid.

Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.

- Oh.

Mohammed.

[ siren wailing ]

You're under arrest!

You killed Harry!

Start shooting, John.

Do something. Sh*t!

[ gunshots ]

Harry wasn't hurting nobody.

What the f*** am I gonna do

with all those damn diapers

I bought him?

[ gunshots ]

RICHARD:
Good God!

You're stepping

on my thing! Oh!

Allah be praised.

Now you will give your lives

to avenge this outrage.

Or we could just kill

the other guys.

Yeah!

[ cheering ]

[ machine-gun fire ]

[ siren wailing,

tire screeching ]

Jesus Christ,

can you control this thing?

Yes!

WOMAN:

Watch where you're going!

WOMAN #2:
Oh, god.

[ gags ]

[ siren wailing in distance ]

[ chuckles ]

It's the moo cow

from the welfare office.

"sorry, we're closed."

B*tch!

What was that?

[ sighs ]

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