Postal Page #7

death and destruction

beyond all comprehension!

Yeah!

That is

what I'm talkin' about.

[ whimpering ]

So, to make a long story short,

the Taliban wanted

to get ahold of the flu,

and ma-na na-na na-na na-na na,

and they were gonna spread it.

Whatever.

I mean, we stopped them, right?

We're good.

Exactly!

We stopped them...

so that we could do it

our own way.

What?

See, they only wanted to spread

it in the United States,

but in order to fulfill

the prophecy in Dave's bible,

We must wipe out

the entire planet.

He's f***ing nuts.

Which brings us to you,

Mr. Verne Troyer!

If he wrote anything about me

in that bible,

we're gonna have

some serious problems.

"and you shall know when the

final day of reckoning begins

"because on that day,

"a tiny entertainer

will be raped

by 1,000 monkeys!"

That's it.

I'm gonna kick your f***ing ass.

I'm sorry, little --

Ohh!

Ohh!

Enough! Enough! Enough!

Stop him!

We must do as god commands!

God damn it.

Bring on the monkeys!

Oh, not the monkeys.

[ chattering ]

Where'd you get

so many monkeys?

I don't f***ing know.

I got nothing to do

with this sh*t.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Ohh!

[ speaks indistinctly ]

Don't f*** the pants up, please.

[ fabric tears ]

All in all, this has really

not been a very pleasant day.

Yeah.

- But...

Unfortunately, the desperate

nature of our situation

suggests that we may

need another of us

to embrace martyrdom as we bring

our fight to the Infidels.

Now...

How about Abdul?

KROTCHY:
Hey, let's go do some drugs.

[ whimpering ]

Oh, that is a great idea,

a great idea -- genius!

Of course,

one must agree willingly.

Now, Abdul...

If you don't want to be blown

into a tiny million pieces,

raise your hand, hop on

one foot, and sing "Free Bird."

[ whimpers ]

Abdul it is.

Now, if we just had Osama.

Does anybody know

where the f*** he is?!

So, you can see that just

by changing the words you use,

you can motivate your employees

in all new ways.

If you master my 117 steps

to dominating your employees,

I personally guarantee

you will have a team

of little killer bees ready

to live or die at your command.

You can make them work

for 72 hours straight at a time,

especially if you put

crystal meth in the water.

Now, some of you may be asking,

"isn't crystal meth illegal?"

Technically, yes,

but the U.S. Air force uses it

to fuel their pilots

when they're on night missions

over Afghanistan.

So it can't be that illegal

if the U.S. Air force uses it.

So...what now?

So, you're

just gonna shoot us?

Yeah, you know,

I'm really sorry, man.

I mean, obviously, this is

some sort of misunderstanding,

But you can see

where I kind of have to go

with it at this point. Hmm?

I mean, you're my nephew,

but these are my people.

Got to lead them

to the Promised Land.

You're a douche.

Not.

- Yeah.

Actually, the bible

doesn't say to kill you.

What the f***, Richie?

Come on, what?

I'm -- I'm god on earth,

remember?

Read your f***ing bible.

When you read

between the lines,

it's remarkable

how the meanings change.

Now, the way I read it

was god chose you as a pawn

to get this movement going.

But now it's time for someone

else to take charge...

someone...

[ breathing heavily ]

...who truly believes.

No, Richie.

Oh!

WOMAN:
Ugh!

WOMAN #2:
Ew!

[ panting ]

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

[ laughs ]

F***!

F*** me!

I'm f***ing gay!

Who the f*** knew?

I had no clue, man,

but this explains a lot.

Oh, I can finally learn

to love myself for who I am.

I'm a f***ing chubby chaser,

too!

F*** it, man!

This is great.

Aww!

You know what?

Today is the start

of my whole new life.

[ laughs evilly ]

Right.

Aah!

[ Dave breathing heavily ]

[ groans ]

Mitzi.

Okay, so I'm bi.

Yuck!

You.

[ gun c*cks ]

You we are grateful to,

so we will let you live...

Until the bird flu gets you.

Or we can put you out of your

misery right now -- either way!

Actually...

[ clears throat ]

Actually...

Uh, no.

Um, you have

to leave me alive...

Richie...

if you want to have

your little...Apocalypse.

And why is that?

Uh, because I am the only guy

who knows where the truck

filled with bird flu is parked.

[ grunting ]

[ screaming ]

[ laughs ]

Yeah! That's clever!

That is clever!

But it's

not insurmountable.

You didn't go far.

We'll just find it ourselves,

and then we'll kill you!

Or not, remember?

The bible said that

you didn't have to kill me,

And you said

you weren't going to,

And you killed Dave.

Yeah, but as soon

as I said that, I just --

it just was a lousy idea,

so ha-ha.

We'll be right back.

Get in there!

[ electricity zapping ]

Aah. Aah.

[ grunts ]

[ exhales deeply ]

[ coughing ]

[ coughs ]

What are you still doing here?

We're supposed to wait

for Richard

to get back

with the truck.

WOMAN:
And then we eat

the poison brownies

and ascend into god's love.

Starr couldn't wait.

She was on a cleanse.

POSTAL DUDE:
Yeah, that all

sounds like a real good plan.

Me --

I'm gonna go upstairs...

kill me some terrorists...

probably die

in a hail of bullets.

If by some miracle

I make it out alive,

I'm gonna find that fat f***

of yours, Richard,

and stick this machine gun

up his self-righteous ass.

Yeah.

Decisions, decisions.

[ whimpering ]

Uh-oh.

[ screaming ]

Aah!

Mine.

Mine.

What?

- Yours.

Aww!

Oh, you are good.

Well, you are better.

- I know.

Come on.

Aah!

Let's go.

You cunning little b*tch.

You're not retarded,

are you?

You've just been faking it.

Mine.

[ gunshot ]

MAN:
Aah!

They'll meet us later.

[ engine turns over ]

All right, ladies.

This is

where we split up.

Aw.

Go home

to your families.

Think for yourselves,

And no more crazy cults

that look forward

to the end of the world.

Don't worry.

We've decided to be Christians

from now on.

Well...

[ horn honking ]

[ moaning ]

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Why?

Because you're married?

No, I just want

to give Karen a turn.

Oh!

Hey.

- Hi!

Oh, my God.

Paradise, here I come.

Speaking of wild sh*t,

have you seen

that guy's wife?

Yeah, she's hard to miss.

Yeah.

She's a good f***, though.

You f***ed her?

Several times.

She's got a clapper

in her trailer.

The lights go on and off

and on and off.

[ laughs ]

Makes you feel

like a rock star!

Let's go to the trailer.

Aw, right.

Hey,

it's the Postal Dude!

Get him!

[ gunshots ]

Go! Go! Go!

[ all shouting ]

Come on!

Go! Go!

[ breathing heavily ]

Unh!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Come on.

- Shoot him!

Eat this!

[ machine-gun fire ]

I'm sorry!

Bye, cowards!

Aah!

[ sighs ]

You are so hot.

And you turned

into a crazy psychopath.

There were

some pretty good reasons.

That's what they all say.

I have to destroy a postal truck

filled with lethal microbes

before a doomsday cult

or a terrorist group

Gets their hands on it

and destroys the entire world.

Yeah, like I believe that.

Jihad!

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