Postal Page #8

[ shouts indistinctly ]

Huh?

- Jihad!

Okay.

Uh, where's that truck?

[ laughs sarcastically ]

Great.

Okay.

[ machine beeps ]

Oh.

I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.

It looks like your credit

card's been declined.

What?

It looks like every

free government on the planet

has frozen your assets.

Would you take a check?

[ clears throat ]

Cash, American.

I'm a little short.

Sammy, we need you

right away.

Do you have any cash?

No.

[ chuckles ]

Run!

Freakin' Arabs.

Go back to Mecca and run around

your big black box!

[ Rossini's "Largo Al Factotum"

plays ]

Oh, god.

- You okay?

Yeah, you ever get

like a hangnail?

Yeah, it's brutal.

- Aah!

[ gasps ]

What the hell was that?

F*** her, Greg.

Yeah, come on.

F*** her, Greg.

[ grunting ]

How's that, huh?

A little to the left,

motherf***er.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh! Okay!

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Yes!

[ metal creaking ]

oh!

Yes!

Give it to me.

Whoo-hoo!

Who is that?

Ugh.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife.

Oh.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

You like that?

- Yes!

Great job!

A little faster.

That ought to do it.

[ beeping ]

All right.

Here, champ!

Come on, buddy.

Champ?

[ whistles ]

Come on!

Ah, poop.

Let's get out of here.

All right.

[ moaning ]

Too late.

Whoo-hoo!

[ gunshots ]

What the f*** was that?

WOMAN:
F***ing guy!

We're gonna f***ing mess you up!

Back! Back!

F***ing die!

MAN:

Shoot that motherf***er down!

I love you, Greggie.

I love you, too.

[ grunts ]

Go back!

Go back!

Let's do it!

All right!

Hey!

God damn it!

Get the hell off my property!

Motherfucking piece of sh*t!

Hand over the Avian Flu,

Infidel!

Hello?

That's their truck, right?

[ laughs evilly ]

Oh, there he is...

the guy

who killed Uncle Dave.

We must

rebalance our energies

by cutting out his spleen!

Okay.

F*** this.

Uh-huh.

Bomb!

Bomb!

Bomb!

B-b-b-b-bomb!

Bomb!

MAN:
Hold up!

F***!

"big bomb that could take out

a whole city block" bomb.

Do I have your attention?

[ exhales deeply ]

Get down here!

What is wrong with you people?

You're so busy trying to blow up

the world in the name of God.

News flash, fucktards --

God doesn't need your help.

He's God!

And he, she, it --

they gave you life.

And you're wasting it.

Look around you.

Look.

Look, God damn it!

See?

We're not that different

'cause we all come

from the same family...

known as humanity.

Now, what do families do?

Do they fight?

Yeah, sure.

But they work it out

'cause they love each other,

and they know that

they're stuck with each other,

just like all of us are,

here on the crazy big mud ball

called Earth.

[ nose blowing ]

So, come on, people.

Let's try and find

some common ground, huh?

Uh, well,

we all hate Jews!

[ indistinct talking ]

MAN:
Yeah.

Yeah, well,

everybody knows that, yeah.

No, no, no, no,

not a hate thing.

Ah, sh--

[ sighs ]

A happy thing.

MAN:
I don't get it.

I think it's time

to empty our hands of guns

so we can fill our hands

with hugs.

[ crying ]

[ grunting ]

If you want to waste this

precious gift we call life,

I can't stop you.

So, go ahead.

Shoot.

Or...

...hug.

[ sighs ]

Shoot him.

[ rapid gunfire ]

Oh, you motherfuckers!

God damn!

[ gunshot ]

Aah!

[ gunfire continues ]

I'm starting to get pissed.

Greggie, I'm still wet,

though!

Just plug that little thing in.

I'll be there in one second.

Ugh!

[ crying ]

You've got

to be f***ing kidding me.

Aah!

Aah!

You like that?

Aah!

Hey, Mo,

save some virgins for me.

Aah!

WOMAN:
Please insert

an additional 25 cents

to complete

your long-distance call.

[ cellphone plays "Twinkle,

Twinkle, Little Star" ]

Hello,

this is George W. Bush.

It's Osama.

I need some help, man!

Hi, there, Osama.

How are you?

You got to speak up,

George.

I can't hear you over the gunfire.

- Hmm?

Gunfire. I'm trapped in

a trailer park in Paradise city.

I'm here for you, buddy.

We got you on satellite.

Should I send a couple

cruise missiles down there?

Uh-oh.

[ gunshot ]

No, I --

Please insert

an additional 25 cents

to continue

your long-distance call.

I was thinking maybe

a helicopter to come pick me up.

Hey, that -- that could work.

Uh, there's a field

just south of you.

I'll pick you up there.

Aw, thanks, Georgie.

I, um...

Yes?

I just wish

I knew how to quit you.

Sh*t.

[ snap ]

Oh!

No hand-to-hand combat,

no hand-to-hand combat.

No, no, no, no.

FRANK:
Hello.

Internal Revenue Service,

Frank Dumont.

We're here to conduct an audit

on a Mr. David Clark.

You are

American government?

Yes, sir.

Is Mr. Clark at home?

Hold on one moment,

government man.

I have someone

to speak to you.

[ groaning ]

Unauthorized fruit sales.

I should have brought that dip.

[ whimpering ]

Jihad!

Jihad!

Ji-- oh, yeah.

Jihad, yeah.

Abdul!

Abdul, where is your belt?

You're not wearing

your explosive belt.

[ whimpering ]

[ mumbling ]

We're taking

the cop car.

[ beeping ]

Abdul.

Lorraine, Lorraine...

Stop licking

your own a**hole, okay?

You're my publisher.

You tell them

that this is a prime example

of why everybody

should buy my book,

"how to fire an employee

without making him go postal" --

Because I'm a --

Aah!

[ blowing ]

Aah!

[ laughs evilly ]

You ruined everything!

[ gasps ]

Oh.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Don't be a dick...

No!

...dick.

[ birds chirping ]

MAN:
At an Alabama high school today...

[ sniffs ]

Did you -- champ!

Hey, buddy.

Hey! Hey!

I thought

I smelled poo-poo breath.

...garbage duty

for a week as punishment.

Nice to see you, pal.

We're interrupting

our regular broadcast

to take you live

for this emergency announcement

from the President.

PRESIDENT BUSH:

This is the President

of the United States of America.

[ the "Star-Spangled Banner"

plays ]

C.I.A. Intelligence

has confirmed

that the governments

of China and India

were directly responsible

for the terrorist cell

recently uncovered in Paradise.

Worse still, they continue to

make T-shirts for well under $1.

In response, we've been forced

to destroy both countries

with "nucular" force.

China, despite

all our freedom-loving efforts,

was able to send

They should hit

in a little under two minutes.

I wish you all the best of luck

with your future endeavors,

and God Bless America.

[ sighs ]

[ music stops ]

Well?

I regret nothing.

You know what?

Forget the stuff.

Oh!

- What are you doing?

Don't you want me

to get out of here? Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Go out!

[ beeping ]

[ transmitter beeps ]

[ car alarms blaring ]

Ugh.

They got a hu--

[ gasps ]

Oh, god!

[ Mark Polak's "The Magic Sound"

plays ]

[ engine turns over ]

# oo-oo-oo-ooh #

# oo-oo-oo-ooh #

# hand in hand, we'll stroll the

land in the peace and harmony #

# we'll be friends

till the end #

# buddies, you and me #

Georgie, I think

this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship

# flowers all around #

# from the birth

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