Premature

---

[ Film projector clicking ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Moaning ]

RARBG.COM All right, so here's how

you can tell, in order of weirdness,

that this is a dream.

First off, I'm having sex.

Second, I'm on a heart-shaped

bed with red rubber sheets.

Nice.

Are those beakers?

Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.

That's third.

And this woman is just perfect.

I mean, look at her.

Those eyes... Those lips...

Those three tits.

I would tell you the fifth,

but this is about the time

where I...

I'm bit part player in the

story of my life

and I can't wake up, but I

just won't sleep at night

but maybe I'm alive and maybe

I'm dead

the things you say went around

my head

empty words that sound like

sh*t to me

turn around, round, round,

round, round, round

turn it around

turn around, round, round,

round, round, round

just... Throw the sheets

in the laundry, hon.

[ Slurping ]

It's okay.

She's in the laundry room.

Sit down.

I should probably be

going to school, so...

We both know how important

today's interview is.

Dad, I really don't need

another pep talk.

little league and your team

played with eight players,

I said nothing.

When you were bullied

by Sally levinson...

I said nothing.

When you lost the class

presidency to a raccoon...

He was the school mascot.

...I said nothing.

But this is too important to me

to just sit idly by

and say nothing.

[ Taps chair ]

So, come on. Please.

Okay. Fine.

I want you to wear

this during the interview.

This is my old headband from

when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

But... I don't row crew.

Oh, God. This smells

like crotch.

That's the smell of a champion.

Today you have a

huge opportunity.

Today you'll make me proud.

[ Groans ]

It would save me time if I would

just put down newspaper on

his... Bed.

[ Cold war kids'

"miracle mile" plays ]

I was supposed to

do great things

I know the road was long

but I wasn't raised to

shoot for fame

I had the safety on

ooh, ooh, ooh

[ horn honks ]

I cut my ties,

I sold my rings

I wanted none of this

if you start from scratch,

you have to sing

just for the fun of it

cute dress!

Hello, Lisa.

Why is he near us?

Have a good day at school.

Rob!

Yo, rob!

Ah!

Oh.

Hey, are you okay?

Shh.

So, I'm about to blow my load

when Lisa says, "wait. "

She then stands up,

gets dressed,

turns to me and says,

"okay.

Come now. "

And boom.

I came.

How does a high school chick

learn mind control like that?

Maybe some sort of magnet

school for the sexually advanced?

You're gonna love sex.

It's like jerking off with the

best sock on the planet.

Wait.

Why are you dressed

like Ellen degeneres?

I have my interview today.

I'm not dressed like Ellen.

So, what are you gonna

do if you don't get in?

Hey. No. Shut up, okay?

I have to get in.

Don't jinx me.

So I'll kill a chicken.

Relax.

Hey, man. You want to

come over tonight?

I'm playing "grand theft auto"

online with that kid from the Balkans.

You know, he sent me

this f***ed-up YouTube clip.

Some mma guy got punched in the

nuts so hard he sh*t

himself and came.

Wow, uh, as much as I'd love

to see that, Gabrielle and I are

watching the spelling

bee tonight.

Hi, guys.

The dork super bowl?

trembling kids, terrified of

disappointing their watching parents.

I mean, it's like watching

televised child abuse.

It's f***ing awesome.

They don't get punched,

but they do sh*t themselves.

Huh.

And a good morning to you both.

Hey, gabs.

Thanks.

Arthur.

What time you flying out, Artie?

Too bad the special Olympics

doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, rob, Gabrielle told me your

Georgetown interview is today.

Uh, yeah.

I'm a little nervous.

Want me to put in a good word?

They've been on my jock about going there

full ride since I was in middle school.

Really? Since middle school?

It's a lot of pressure

for a 7-year-old.

Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Hughes.

Arthur, I thought you were

going to be here early.

Excuse me for a second.

Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.

I have your lesson plan, but

what I don't have is my money.

It's in my classroom.

Then let's go.

I'm sorry, guys. I have

to handle this.

And, rob, feel free to drop

my name in the interview.

I can't believe your pre-pub

neighbor sells homework to teachers.

Yeah, and how is

he so confident?

He has one eyebrow and it's

thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.

Aw, he can't help the

eyebrow. He's Armenian.

Poor kid? No, you should mow

that thing. It's embarrassing.

Says the guy who has been

not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

It's an athletic supporter.

In his defense, Gabrielle, a

little discomfort is far better

than getting kicked in he

balls every day for a semester.

That happened in the 9th

grade. It hasn't happened since.

It's not something one

just forgets, Gabrielle.

The 9th grade was my ballocaust.

Never again.

I got beer for tonight.

You excited?

Oh, sweet. How?

Just threw it in the

cart at the shop 'n save.

and my dad thought he put it

in, so it worked out perfectly.

Hey, so, it is your last chance

to change your bet,

unless you really think that

Mona panchal will take it all.

Um, some stats...

all right.

She is a 13-year-old

up-and-comer from Kansas via

Mumbai with a nervous twitch.

She placed 12th two years ago,

5th last year. This is her year.

Also, it is too late to change your

bets because the first round has started.

I'm just really excited for

pongsaklek wonjongkam

to eat Mona for I-u-n-c-h.

Right. Is pongsaklek

a boy or a girl?

Yeah, I have no idea.

But if it can spell its own

name, it can spell anything.

So, I was thinking we could

drink every time somebody asks

for alternate pronunciations.

Or... or every time someone asks for alternate

pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.

Yeah, sure.

Yo, rob! Y...

hey! Are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.

You don't get to pick on people.

Set me.

No!

Ooh! Damn.

[ Laughs ]

[ Sniffs ]

It's piss.

Those a**holes pissed on me.

Well, that'll dry

by the interview.

Yeah, but he smells like

a urinal cake.

I do. I do smell like

a urinal cake.

Okay, guys, I have my test

next period. I got to go. Um...

Stanley, go to the lost and

found, get rob a new pair of pants.

I won't let you down, buddy.

Watch out! Pants emergency!

Stay calm.

All right? Take a deep breath.

Keep the recruiter's face

away from your junk.

[ Laughs ]

And it's gonna be great.

Okay?

Thanks, gabs.

Just text me with bee

updates, okay?

I will.

[ Chuckles ]

[ School bell rings ]

Okay, these aren't ideal,

but they didn't have a

lot to choose from.

Are these even men's pants?

Try 'em on. Maybe you'll

look fabulous.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, you know I have a

test next period, right?

Shh.

Are all the people you

tutor this self-absorbed?

Hey, Artie. Can you

help this student, please?

Rob's falling apart.

I know you have a learning

disability, Stanley, but can you

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes