Premature Page #2

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grasp the fact that I'm

already working with someone?

How many people know about your

arrangement with Mr. Hughes?

And I'm presuming

there are others.

[ Speaking foreign language ]

Don't shout that witch

language at me!

I'll burn you at the stake.

Move.

Go.

I know what would help.

Okay, take a deep breath.

Okay. I am.

Good. Now go to

the bathroom, hit a

stall, and rub one out to that.

It's a scientific fact that your

blood pressure drops after you orgasm.

It's like your balls are

shooting yoga through your veins.

Oh, no. Is she coming

over here? Yep.

She is. Sh*t. Please

stop talking now.

Hi, rob.

Hey, Angela.

Um, good morning.

Excuse me, Angela. I have

to update my Wikipedia page.

Okay.

So, rob, um, I know our tutoring

session isn't supposed to be

until Thursday, but I was kind

of hoping we could schedule,

like, an emergency session.

Miss marconi moved the test up.

She's getting a mammogram

tomorrow, so...

Did you say mammogram?

Yeah, how'd you make

it sound so hot?

I was thinking that we could

study tonight at my house.

Tonight? Um, actually,

I don't think I can.

Oh, boo. Really?

No. Not really.

Well, yeah. Uh, it's just, um...

I kind of have plans

I can't change, so...

Do you?

Yes. I do,

have plans.

Maybe, uh, you can study

with Arthur instead?

[ Speaking foreign language ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, you're serious?

That's okay. I'll just...

I'll just fail it.

No, Angela, don't worry.

Rob will reassess his schedule

and get back to you a. S.A.F'ing. P.

Thanks. By the way, rob, that coat

makes you look so professorial.

[ Chuckles ]

She wants to f*** you.

Her nickname is "after

school special" for a reason.

Freshman year, she cured

Mike Dolan's stutter.

Her p*ssy inspired

"the king's speech. "

I just can't just bail

on gabs, you know?

I mean, we watch the spelling

bee every year. It's our thing.

You've been borderline stalking

Angela as long as we've been friends.

We've been friends

since we were 5.

You took time to grow on me.

I didn't consider you

a friend until 61.

Look, Angela has

sex with grown men.

She hasn't slept with a high-school

student since elementary school.

She's making an

exception for you.

This is too much pressure

for me today.

Okay, well, let me ask you this.

Has she ever invited you

over to her house before?

No, and stop, okay? Please.

Because I am panicking, and

I cannot sh*t these gym shorts.

Ew.

Did he really just say that?

The poem tells of a talking

raven's mysterious visit to a

distraught lover, tracing's he

man's slow fall into madness.

I'll start reading and then we'll

go around the room counterclockwise.

As I recite the poem, look

for the repetition of the word

"nevermore. "

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

while I pondered weak and weary,

over many a quaint and curious

volume of forgotten lore"...

You know, I looked at last

year's yearbook, and her tits

were not that big.

There has definitely been

a cosmetic enhancement.

At least two of them.

Definitely.

When I die, I want to come back

as her top button, you know?

Yeah.

Or a guy who's f***ing her.

That'd be cool.

That would be cool.

Dude, come on.

I have something to add.

[ Knock on door ]

I need rob crabbe to

the main office.

Rob.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Is that supposed to be

the Georgetown mascot?

'Cause you know it's a bulldog.

I can't draw bulldogs.

..."the silken sad uncertain

rustling of each purple curtain

filled me with fantastic terrors

never felt before. "

Didn't Stanley go to

the lost and found?

They only had Capri pants.

Mm-hmm.

Are you my escort?

At your service.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I have bad news for you.

Pongsaklek wonjongkam, who is

a boy, by the way, misspelled

"endoradiosonde" in the second

preliminary round.

Are you serious?

Sh*t. I did not see

either of those coming.

[ Sighs ]

Well...

Here we are.

You're gonna nail

it. I know it.

You think?

Yes.

I mean, who can

resist those legs?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Rob crabbe?

Jack roth, Georgetown

admissions. Good to meet you.

Please take a seat.

Uh, before we begin, allow me

to apologize for the shorts.

Some of my classmates thought

it might be amusing if uhh...

bullies.

What was their weapon of choice?

A piss-filled water gun.

Direct hit.

Say no more. I'll pretend

they're pants.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, everything I've read

about you is great, so I'm

really here just to put

a face with the name.

Are those your notes?

Give them to me.

You don't need notes.

Just be yourself.

And it's okay if you don't

know who that is yet.

That's what college is for...

to figure out who you are.

Right? Not what somebody else

wants you to be, but who you...

Really...

Are.

Just answer the

questions honestly.

You're gonna do fine, all right?

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

I see that your parents both

graduated from Georgetown.

Yeah. Both my mom and dad.

They met there, actually.

Uh, some kids grow up hearing

about oz or wonderland.

All my fairy tales took place in

the mythical land of Georgetown.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Crying ]

I'm sorry.

[ Sniffles ]

I met my wife...

At Georgetown, too.

[ Chuckles ]

But then...

[ Crying ] Lupus.

[ Sniffles ]

I'm sorry.

It feels like it happened

yesterday. It was 10 months ago.

I'm just having a moment, okay?

[ Sniffles ]

Yeah, no.

Please, take your time.

No, no, no.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Sobbing ]

You know who the biggest bully

is?

Lupus?

No!

It's life!

Life is the biggest

bully of them all.

They'll shoot you with a

piss-filled water pistol

again and again and again.

You got to just get

up, carry on.

Smell like piss.

[ Sniffles ]

Life is the biggest f***ing

bully of them all.

I am sorry.

[ Sniffles ]

Whoa!

Detour.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, lookit here.

It says that you were, uh, part

of the student-to-student

tutoring initiative.

Mr. roth?

[ Voice breaking ] My wife

was my tutor.

That is how we met.

[ Crying ] Oh, God.

That's how we met.

And now she's gone.

[ Sobbing continues ]

Um...

I have my dad's headband, so...

Thank you.

[ Sniffles ]

Oh.

[ Blowing nose ]

[ Sniffles ]

How'd it go?

He cried.

Somehow I reminded him of the

greatest loss of his life.

There goes Georgetown.

It's not the end of the world.

It's just your dad talking.

There are other schools.

Imagine for one second that

you had any goals whatsoever,

and then imagine if

they didn't happen.

This is exactly why I

don't have goals.

Look, you can still

get into Georgetown.

And if you can't, focus on one

thing you can still get into...

Angela.

You're insane.

She doesn't want to...

you could become a beautiful

non-virgin butterfly.

Let Angela's crotch

be your cocoon.

Hey. Angela.

Rob.

Nice shorts.

Uh, thanks.

Uh, long story.

But, um...

I can tutor you tonight.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, rob you're such

a life saver.

Oh, I can help you out with

your test, but miss marconi is

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