Premature Page #3

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on her own with her... Mammogram.

Hey. I've been looking

all over for you.

Hey, how was your, uh...

Really?

Uh, yeah.

I, um...

I pulled a wonjongkam.

No. What happened.

I'd rather not relive it.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, so, listen, um...

I don't think I can

make it tonight.

I, uh, I'm just not

feeling up to it.

You sure? Might cheer you up.

Yeah, you know, another time.

Um...

It's just my future's in doubt.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's okay.

I don't know why

you feel so bad.

Because I just lied to gabs.

I feel awful.

Good. We can use that.

What?

Well, guilt is a blessing.

It'll make you last longer.

You can only go four minutes

when it's just you

and the tissues.

Yeah, and I'm feeling plenty

of guilt then, too.

Well, we'll need

something stronger.

Remember when I accidentally

exposed my baldy?

Ugh. Yeah.

It looked like my

grandpa's elbow.

Yeah, use that.

That'll ruin things

for a little while.

That's good.

You know what you should do?

Buy the magnums, too.

Then use the regular-sized

condom, but leave behind the

Magnum wrapper.

What's that gonna do?

Besides make her feel

like she has a giant vagina.

Um, I'll have the trojan ecstasy

ultra-ribbed, please.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh

whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh

whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh

I love you

you do, too

oh!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Coughs, groans ]

[ Tires squeal ]

I'm fine, you a**hole!

Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh

whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh

whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh

I love you

you do, too

you love you

p*ssy?

Excuse me?

Are you here for p*ssy?

I'm Angela's tutor.

Is she home?

I don't know.

Mind if I check?

Do as you wish.

Hey.

Hey.

Uzi, you know you

can smoke inside.

Uh, no thank you.

Uzi's from Israel. He's

staying with us for the

rest of the school year, so...

Cool.

When it's this quiet

back home...

A caf explodes.

Come on in.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Ka-boom.

Uh... So...

Quadratic equations.

Believe me, it is a lot more

exciting than it sounds.

What are you doing?

Sit on the bed.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, right.

Of course.

[ Chuckles ]

So, would you like some wine?

It's white zinfandel.

It's my mom's favorite.

It's absolutely delish.

No thanks.

Math pairs better

with a robust red.

[ Both chuckle ]

Is your mom home?

No, she works at night.

It's just me and uzi.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

Don't worry about it.

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh...

What... what exactly is your

test on tomorrow?

Can I confess something to you?

You don't have a dead wife or

anything, do you?

'Cause I can't take

that again today.

[ Chuckles ] No.

I don't really have

a test tomorrow.

You don't?

No

I just really like

studying with you.

I really like studying

with you, too.

Your grades are

really improving.

The studying sessions are,

like, the highlight of my week.

They are?

Yeah.

When I'm with you, I don't know.

You don't treat me

like everyone else.

I just feel... I don't know.

Safe.

I was captain of the safety

patrol team in 8th grade.

Wait.

Maybe we should...

oh, that... that is nice.

[ Moans ]

Just... Throw the sheets in

the laundry, hon.

What the f...

[ slurping ]

It's okay.

She's in the laundry room.

Sit down.

[ Sighs ]

We both know how important

today's interview is.

Rob?

The interview is today?

Don't "f" with me, Robert.

When you were benched in little

league and your team played with

eight players, I said nothing.

When you were bullied by

Sally levinson, I said nothing.

When you lost the class presidency

to a raccoon, huh, I said nothing.

But this interview is far too important

for me to sit idly by and say nothing.

I want you to wear this

during the interview.

This is my old headband from

when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

Today's the day you

make me proud.

[ Groans ]

It would save me time if I would

just put down newspaper on

his... Bed.

[ Car door closes ]

Rob!

Yo, rob!

Ah!

So, I'm about to blow my

load when she says, "wait. "

She then stands up,

gets dressed, and leaves.

RARBG.COM Before she goes, she turns to me

and says, "okay. Come now. "

And boom. I came.

What the f*** are you doing?

Why are you dressed

like Ellen degeneres?

[ Groans ]

No, he sent me this

f***ed-up YouTube clip.

Some mma guy got punched in the

nuts so hard he

sh*t himself and came.

Hey, you pissed at me

or something?

I'm just... Really out of it.

I don't think I slept so good.

I was having a crazy dream.

And a good morning to you both.

Hey, gabs. Arthur.

What time are you

flying out, Artie?

Too bad the special Olympics

doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, rob, Gabrielle told me your

Georgetown interview is today?

Does anyone know the

warning signs of a stroke?

Good morning.

Hi, Mr. Hughes.

Arthur, I thought you

were gonna be here early.

Excuse me for a second.

You know, I kind of

feel bad for him.

Probably because he

has one eyebrow.

And it's thicker than...

Both:
Sam elliott's mustache.

So, I was thinking every

time they ask for alternate

pronunciations, we could drink.

Rob! Yo, rob!

Hey!

Are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.

You don't get to pick on people.

Set me.

Oh!

Ooh! Damn!

[ Laughs ]

It's piss.

Okay, um...

Well, that'll dry by

the interview, right?

Yeah, but he smells

like a urinal cake.

I have my test next

period, so I got to go.

Um...

Stanley, go to

the lost and found...

no, it's fine.

I'll just wear the shorts in my

gym locker.

Really? You sure?

Stay calm.

Take a deep breath.

No, seriously. I'm good.

This was the dream.

[ School bell rings ]

You dreamed about today?

Yeah.

Lisa's telling you to come.

The piss gun.

And Angela yearwood wants to

have sex with me.

Bullshit.

Hey. I have a test next period.

Are all the people you

tutor this self-absorbed?

Hi, rob.

So, I know our tutoring session

wasn't supposed to be until

Thursday, but I was kind of,

like, hoping that we could

schedule an emergency session.

Miss marconi moved the test up.

She's getting a

mammogram tomorrow.

[ Chuckles ]

Mammogram.

[ Chuckles ]

How could you even focus

on your interview right now?

In the dream, I bombed it.

Angela will make everything

in the world right again.

[ Knock on door ]

I need rob crabbe to

the main office.

You know, I bombed

the Angela thing, too.

That's right.

What?

Nothing.

Are you ready?

Do I look ready?

The outfit weirdly

works for you.

No, it doesn't.

Nope. Not at all.

Oh, I have bad news for you.

Yeah, pongsaklek wonjongkam

misspelled "endoradiosonde. "

[ Voice breaking ] My wife was

my tutor. That's how we met.

[ Crying ] Oh, God. Jesus.

[ Sobbing ]

She's gone.

So?

Don't shut me out!

Hey, rob!

[ Chuckles ]

Are you okay?

I just thought you'd be more

excited to come over tonight.

You know, if you

have other plans.

I can tutor you tonight, so...

You're a life saver!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Ticking ]

Um... Help me? I'm sick.

What's wrong?

I have no idea.

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