Premature
- R
- Year:
- 2014
- 93 min
- 717 Views
[ Moaning ]
RARBG.COM All right, so here's how
you can tell, in order of weirdness,
that this is a dream.
First off, I'm having sex.
Second, I'm on a heart-shaped
bed with red rubber sheets.
Nice.
Are those beakers?
Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.
That's third.
And this woman is just perfect.
I mean, look at her.
Those eyes... Those lips...
Those three tits.
I would tell you the fifth,
but this is about the time
where I...
I'm bit part player in the
story of my life
and I can't wake up, but I
just won't sleep at night
I'm dead
the things you say went around
my head
sh*t to me
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
turn it around
turn around, round, round,
round, round, round
just... Throw the sheets
in the laundry, hon.
[ Slurping ]
It's okay.
She's in the laundry room.
Sit down.
going to school, so...
We both know how important
today's interview is.
Dad, I really don't need
another pep talk.
little league and your team
played with eight players,
I said nothing.
When you were bullied
by Sally levinson...
I said nothing.
When you lost the class
presidency to a raccoon...
He was the school mascot.
...I said nothing.
But this is too important to me
to just sit idly by
and say nothing.
[ Taps chair ]
So, come on. Please.
Okay. Fine.
I want you to wear
this during the interview.
This is my old headband from
when I rowed crew at Georgetown.
But... I don't row crew.
Oh, God. This smells
like crotch.
That's the smell of a champion.
Today you have a
huge opportunity.
Today you'll make me proud.
[ Groans ]
It would save me time if I would
just put down newspaper on
his... Bed.
[ Cold war kids'
"miracle mile" plays ]
I was supposed to
do great things
I know the road was long
but I wasn't raised to
shoot for fame
I had the safety on
ooh, ooh, ooh
[ horn honks ]
I cut my ties,
I sold my rings
I wanted none of this
if you start from scratch,
you have to sing
just for the fun of it
cute dress!
Hello, Lisa.
Why is he near us?
Have a good day at school.
Rob!
Yo, rob!
Ah!
Oh.
Hey, are you okay?
Shh.
So, I'm about to blow my load
when Lisa says, "wait. "
She then stands up,
gets dressed,
turns to me and says,
"okay.
Come now. "
And boom.
I came.
How does a high school chick
learn mind control like that?
Maybe some sort of magnet
school for the sexually advanced?
You're gonna love sex.
It's like jerking off with the
best sock on the planet.
Wait.
Why are you dressed
like Ellen degeneres?
I have my interview today.
I'm not dressed like Ellen.
So, what are you gonna
do if you don't get in?
Hey. No. Shut up, okay?
I have to get in.
Don't jinx me.
So I'll kill a chicken.
Relax.
Hey, man. You want to
come over tonight?
I'm playing "grand theft auto"
online with that kid from the Balkans.
You know, he sent me
this f***ed-up YouTube clip.
Some mma guy got punched in the
nuts so hard he sh*t
himself and came.
Wow, uh, as much as I'd love
to see that, Gabrielle and I are
watching the spelling
bee tonight.
Hi, guys.
The dork super bowl?
trembling kids, terrified of
disappointing their watching parents.
I mean, it's like watching
televised child abuse.
It's f***ing awesome.
They don't get punched,
but they do sh*t themselves.
Huh.
And a good morning to you both.
Hey, gabs.
Thanks.
Arthur.
What time you flying out, Artie?
Too bad the special Olympics
doesn't have a comedy competition.
So, rob, Gabrielle told me your
Georgetown interview is today.
Uh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous.
Want me to put in a good word?
They've been on my jock about going there
full ride since I was in middle school.
It's a lot of pressure
for a 7-year-old.
Good morning.
Morning, Mr. Hughes.
Arthur, I thought you were
going to be here early.
Excuse me for a second.
Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes.
I have your lesson plan, but
what I don't have is my money.
It's in my classroom.
Then let's go.
I'm sorry, guys. I have
to handle this.
And, rob, feel free to drop
my name in the interview.
I can't believe your pre-pub
neighbor sells homework to teachers.
Yeah, and how is
he so confident?
He has one eyebrow and it's
thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.
Aw, he can't help the
eyebrow. He's Armenian.
Poor kid? No, you should mow
that thing. It's embarrassing.
Says the guy who has been
not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.
It's an athletic supporter.
In his defense, Gabrielle, a
little discomfort is far better
balls every day for a semester.
That happened in the 9th
grade. It hasn't happened since.
It's not something one
just forgets, Gabrielle.
The 9th grade was my ballocaust.
Never again.
I got beer for tonight.
You excited?
Oh, sweet. How?
Just threw it in the
cart at the shop 'n save.
and my dad thought he put it
in, so it worked out perfectly.
Hey, so, it is your last chance
to change your bet,
Mona panchal will take it all.
Um, some stats...
all right.
She is a 13-year-old
up-and-comer from Kansas via
Mumbai with a nervous twitch.
She placed 12th two years ago,
5th last year. This is her year.
Also, it is too late to change your
bets because the first round has started.
pongsaklek wonjongkam
to eat Mona for I-u-n-c-h.
Right. Is pongsaklek
a boy or a girl?
Yeah, I have no idea.
But if it can spell its own
name, it can spell anything.
So, I was thinking we could
drink every time somebody asks
for alternate pronunciations.
Or... or every time someone asks for alternate
pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.
Yeah, sure.
Yo, rob! Y...
hey! Are you kidding me?
You're volleyball players.
You don't get to pick on people.
Set me.
No!
Ooh! Damn.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sniffs ]
It's piss.
Those a**holes pissed on me.
Well, that'll dry
by the interview.
Yeah, but he smells like
a urinal cake.
I do. I do smell like
a urinal cake.
Okay, guys, I have my test
next period. I got to go. Um...
Stanley, go to the lost and
found, get rob a new pair of pants.
I won't let you down, buddy.
Watch out! Pants emergency!
Stay calm.
All right? Take a deep breath.
Keep the recruiter's face
away from your junk.
[ Laughs ]
And it's gonna be great.
Okay?
Thanks, gabs.
Just text me with bee
updates, okay?
I will.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, these aren't ideal,
but they didn't have a
lot to choose from.
Are these even men's pants?
Try 'em on. Maybe you'll
look fabulous.
I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, you know I have a
test next period, right?
Shh.
Are all the people you
tutor this self-absorbed?
Hey, Artie. Can you
help this student, please?
Rob's falling apart.
I know you have a learning
disability, Stanley, but can you
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"Premature" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/premature_16174>.
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