Premature Page #4

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I'm having dj vu or, like, a

psychotic episode, and I really

need your help because

I'm falling apart.

Okay.

Put this under your tongue.

[ Timer dings ]

That's your timer, Neal.

No fever, Neal.

You're not sick, honey.

You can go back to class.

[ Vomiting ]

Yeah, you know what?

I'll just figure it out.

Feel better, Neal.

There's never a bad time to

get an std from Angela yearwood.

Even if she gave you a fatal one,

your doctor would still high-five you.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Sh*t. I never canceled

with gabs.

Who cares?

Angela's about to deflower you.

Please smile.

Could I have the trojan

ecstasy ultra-ribbed, please?

Whoo, whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh

I love you

you do, too

oh, sh*t. This is where... aah!

[ Groans, coughs ]

Are you here for p*ssy?

Hey.

[ Door closes ]

Can I confess something to you?

I don't really have

a test tomorrow.

I know.

Oh, no.

[ Moaning ]

Just... Throw the sheets in

the LA...

today's the day you

make me proud.

Rob! Ah!

She's getting a

mammogram tomorrow.

[ School bell rings ]

I have some more bad

news for you.

[ Crying ]

Not this time.

[ Groans ]

P*ssy?

Can I confess something to you?

[ Moaning ]

Just... Throw the sheets

in the laundry, hon.

What the f*** is happening?!

Is everything okay?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah! Yeah.

I'll just... I'll throw

the sheets in the laundry.

[ Chuckles ]

Do you want this to end?

'Cause [Chuckles] I think you're

getting a pretty good deal here.

We're having sex. The least you

can do is hold my hand in school.

Look, the whole reason that

this works is because I get to

practice for when I meet

the right guy in college, okay?

'Cause as far as anyone

who really matters is concerned,

you don't exist.

[ Thud ]

[ Groans ]

The hell are you doing here?

I have something I

need to tell you.

There is only

one explanation.

Your virginity is

driving you insane.

It's like one of those videos we saw

in Ms. depanorizzi's health class.

You know, how little Timmy went

berserk because he masturbated

too much.

No, I know. It's just... I

swear this all feels too real.

Way too real.

Sounds like a

delusional disorder.

Unlike hallucinations, your

actual belief in these events is

clearly pathological.

An antipsychotic will help

reduce your dopamine levels.

You'll be fine.

My dad's a psychiatrist.

I know what will help.

What?

A threesome.

With me?

Yeah. With you.

It's a win-win-win.

Look, you get some pre-college practice, rob

has sex and is no longer driven mad by his

virginal status, and I bust a

nut before 8:
00 in the morning.

What do you say?

Yeah, but what actually

happens in a threesome?

Does that mean that you and I...

mnh-mnh, rob, you and

I will not be having sex.

We'd be boning Lisa.

At the same time?

It all depends.

There are different methods.

You know, we could take turns...

okay.

Do you really think that I would

have a threesome with

the two of you?

Maybe.

Okay, look.

Threesomes are... Special.

They're specifically reserved

for when I find the man

that I'm going to marry.

And then a friend of

his choice, of course.

You know, that's how

you make marriages work.

Oh, and, Stanley, you

can come now.

[ Gasps ]

You too, rob.

[ Both gasping ]

Just... Throw the sheets in

the laundry, hon.

He's a young man!

Are you kidding me with this?!

It's like he's regressing

right before our eyes!

He has a big day, probably

just needed to relieve

some tension.

That was a lot of tension!

Our son is turning

into this pervert!

When I was that age,

I could fill a bucket.

Yeah? Well, sweetie,

you can still fill a bucket.

It's just a little squirt.

A little squirt?!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So, I went to Angela's house

one, two, three times, and then

I went and saw Stanley and Lisa.

And then we almost

had a threesome.

And then...

Is that a 48-inch...

sure is.

I'm gonna do my own

laundry from now on.

Hey!

Hey!

Gabs!

Gabrielle, stop!

Gabrielle!

Rob? Are you okay?

You look insane.

Did you see Gabrielle?

Yeah. She went inside.

Dude, I called your phone

like a thousand times.

The most amazing thing

happened to me this morning.

I know. Lisa's totally become

a master at jizzekinesis!

Jizzekinesis!

Gabs!

Gabs! Hey!

Gabs!

That's what you're

wearing to your interview?

Huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hey, um, I need to talk to you.

It's really important.

Sure. Are you okay?

Not really.

Let's go somewhere maybe and...

[ laughter ]

Oh, yeah!

You think that's funny?!

You think that's funny?!

Whoa!

Chill out!

That wasn't yours to touch.

Rob, I think we should go now.

Yeah, you should really

listen to your girlfriend.

You guys are taller and

you're better looking, but

that's not enough, is it?

I mean, why do you pick

on guys like me?

You know what I think?

I think you're gay and you don't

know how to handle it, so

you pick on me because, inside,

society picks on you.

That's not cool.

Tommy's gay.

Yeah, it's not that

big of a deal.

The guys are super supportive.

Oh, that's so nice.

Yeah, I guess it would have been worse

if you guys played a real sport, right?

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

That came out wrong.

Gabs, I got to go.

Probably for the best.

Get him!

Aaaaaah!

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

Oh, rob! Can you...

no!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Where is he?

Try that one.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on!

Get it open!

It's stuck! It's stuck!

One, two, three!

Would you guys just stop

banging for like two seconds?

Ugh! He's whacking!

[ Gasping ]

[ Boys groan ]

Just... Throw the sheets

in the laundry, hon.

[ Door closes ]

Nothing happened.

[ Slurping ]

Mm.

Good morning.

Sit down. I want to talk to you.

Dad...

Why is it so important to

you that I go to Georgetown?

Well, I guess because that's

where I met your mother

and my life really began.

And you want that for me?

Yes, of course.

Well, what if I don't need

Georgetown to get that?

You don't want to

go to Georgetown?

[ Chuckles ]

No, I'm... I'm just kidding.

No, I just... I don't need

a pep talk, that's all.

I got this.

You know, why don't you just focus on

planning your trip to parents' weekend.

Okay.

All right.

Have a good day.

I proved the existence of a sex jedi

and you're just speechless and smiling.

Do you think about

anything besides sex?

Yeah. I think about

a lot of stuff.

Like why we're still

reliant on foreign oil.

What I'd look like

with a ponytail.

You know?

Why the sudden up tick

in peanut allergies?

You know, there are other

things in this

world besides sex.

Other things to see

or do in this world.

In this school, even.

What the hell are you

talking about?

I'm talking about living a

life without repercussions.

Hi, guys.

Hey, didn't your cousin

get admitted to South oaks?

Yeah. He had a psychotic break and

burned down his neighbor's shed.

Thank you for bringing that up.

Uh-huh. We need to get rob

admitted there stat.

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