Premature Page #5

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You know, I just woke up this

morning, and long story short, I

feel like I can do anything.

Okay. Can we talk about

that on the way to class?

Yeah, let's go. I need

to make a poo.

Yeah, you guys go.

I don't really feel

like walking.

Yeah, you're right.

He's acting weird.

Yeah. He's like the

douchey lama.

[ Sitar music plays ]

[ School bell rings ]

Stop that golf cart!

[ Tires screech ]

Show me your hall pass.

Is there a hall pass

for golf carts?

I'm gonna have to write you up.

You poor soul.

You don't know the power

that you possess.

I mean, you get beaten up

every day, and for what?

A line on a college rsum?

I mean, what if instead of

writing people up, you used your

position to your advantage,

got something out of it.

Like, tell me that you won't write

me up if I give you the golf cart.

You would do that?

Maybe.

Or... Excuse me, miss?

Do you have a hall pass?

Sh*t.

No.

Ah, I'm not sure what we can do.

You see, my friend here is a

hall monitor, and it is his job

to write up students who roam the

halls without the necessary paperwork.

Please don't write me up.

I'll get suspended if I get

written up again.

Will you French kiss him?

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

But he can't tell anyone.

Deal.

[ Door opens ]

But give him something

to remember.

[ Sighs ].

[ Slam ]

This is what you're

doing with your day?

Yeah, totally.

Check this out.

Where'd you get that?

You know that creepy janitor?

It turns out he's

not a pedophile.

He's just a drug dealer.

Huh.

Hop in.

Should we be out here?

[ Grunts ]

Nope.

But that's what makes it fun?

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

And if we get caught?

[ Laughs ]

Don't worry about it.

Just trust me.

It's like that time that you

told me to tell my gym teacher I

couldn't run the mile because

of my menstrual cramps.

Did I do it?

Mr. zizek still

calls you "tampon. "

[ Chuckles ]

I didn't say I'm not

smoking with you.

Come on.

Light that thing up.

Let us see if it is

really a gateway drug.

Oh. It is.

A gateway to awesome.

[ Coughs ]

[ Spits ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, you, um, would you like to

hear something that I've

never told anyone ever?

Yes.

Freshman year, I thought that

parent/teacher night meant t

hat Mrs. wiley was going to be

staying at my house for a night

while my parents went away.

[ Laughs ]

You would have to bomb your

house to get rid of the

stench of her perfume.

Oh, God.

[ Laughs ]

How did we become friends?

You don't remember?

No, it's not that I don't

remember, it's just...

It feels like you've

always been here.

Sorry.

Weed must make me

uncomfortably deep.

Uh-huh.

Um... I was in the third grade

and I was the new girl, the

giant, 5'3" new girl.

And you were the only one who

didn't laugh at me.

I was too scared to laugh.

You were enormous.

[ Laughs ]

Oh.

Hey.

No matter where we end up next

year, we have to watch

the spelling bee together.

Of course we will.

I'm really sorry that

I blew you off this time.

I'll never do it again.

When did you blow me off?

I meant... I meant to say I

would never blow you off.

[ Chuckles ]

Sorry.

This stuff must really

be killing brain cells.

[ Chuckles ]

It's nice to get out like

this once in awhile.

You know?

Get out of class, live a little.

Yeah.

We should have done something

like this sooner.

I always wanted to.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

Come on.

Where are we going?

There's something else I've

always wanted to do.

[ Snoring ]

Here.

It's pretty good, but kind of

illegal.

[ Snoring continues ]

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, God.

[ Grunting ]

Hold on!

Oh, hi, Mr. Hughes.

Rob, this is the

teachers' lounge.

Um, hey, you wouldn't happen to

have a match or anything, would you?

No? All right. Cool.

Well, um, I should

probably get going.

But you should probably flush

again, just in case.

What was it like in there?

It was very comfortable.

There was a great selection

of reading material.

Hm.

I f***ing love doughnuts.

You know, all I'm saying is

that you have an inner strength

that one day I hope to have.

Thank you.

Shh. Hey. Don't thank me.

Okay? Because I am not

important right now.

My interview? That

is not important.

I'm never gonna forget you.

I know.

[ Laughs ]

Whoa!

Hey!

Whoo!

What the f*** was that?

Two men. Connecting.

Okay, cut the sh*t.

What is up with you today?

Gabs and I are worried.

I'm not worried.

Dude, I've told you.

You don't get it.

When did you tell me?

Three this mornings ago.

It's okay, okay?

Because I didn't really get it,

either, but I do now.

Today is a gift.

Come on.

I just got an idea.

Okay, so, as I told you guys

yesterday, tomorrow's quiz will

be on chapters 5 through 7, and

what you want to look...

Mr. crabbe, your class

was two periods ago.

You missed it.

I know. I was taking a sh*t.

Excuse me?

Oh, my God.

What's he doing?

They're very firm, Stanley.

Like, spongy.

Does that mean they're fake?

Oh, my God!

Thank you.

Sweet.

I think I smoked too much weed.

Did he just feel up

Ms. hartnett?

Mm-hmm. I think she

called the cops.

It was worth it.

Are these seats taken, Sally?

It has been a long time.

Whoa!

That was for the 4th grade!

[ Laughs ] Right?

[ Intense music plays ]

Oh, sh*t.

[ Shrieks ]

Aaaah!

[ Thud ]

[ Growling ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Groans ]

Save yourself, rob!

Grab her tit!

I'm grabbing her tit!

Aah!

I'm grabbing your tit!

Squeeze it till milk comes out!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, Sally.

I'm a big fan.

Aah!

[ Groans ]

Aaah!

[ Groans ]

That's got to hurt.

Aah!

Sally!

Aaah!

[ Knock on door ]

Have a seat, rob.

I don't know what to say.

You're one of my

favorite students.

Really?

We've barely met.

Yeah, exactly.

I love the students I

don't have to meet.

Meeting you guys is the

worst part of my job.

Do you mind if I eat?

It's gonna be awhile before the

cops get here.

The cops?

Yes. The cops.

Geez.

You grabbed Ms.

hartnett's breasts.

That's sexual assault.

I mean, don't flatter yourself.

They're also coming for some

moron bus driver who was toking

it up in one of the parked

vehicles, but you're the main focus.

So...

I don't mean to be flippant

about your situation, but in an

overcrowded public school like

this, if one of you students

the crapper and I get to expel you,

I am not losing my appetite over that.

Sh*t.

F***.

[ Sighs ]

All right, let's run

down the hit list.

You molested a teacher.

You sexually harassed a female freshman

student and a male hall monitor.

And then... [ Chuckles ]

This is funny.

You got in a fight with

a girl and you lost.

She curb-stomped my

genitals. With her shoes.

Mm-hmm.

Your mom and dad are

on their way, by the way.

And she said that she caught

you masturbating this morning.

It was a wet dream.

I wasn't masturbating.

Seems like to me you're going for

a varsity letter in sexual deviancy.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Yeah, in your pants.

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