Premature Page #6

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'Cause you're not

leaving this office.

All right.

Let's take a look.

I can't figure out what would

make a boy like you snap. I mean,

up to this point, no missteps.

What would make a boy like

you do what you did?

I mean, it's a big question.

Is society at fault?

Probably.

Have you got bad wiring?

Were you not hugged

enough as a kid?

Rob, rob, Robbie.

I mean, what is it?

You take Paxil or something?

Maybe it's your home life.

I don't know.

Maybe you have horrible parents.

But here is the hard truth that

America is not

prepared to admit.

We're all just... Filthy animals.

And to expect us to play by the

prude rules...

that's ri-goddamn-diculous.

I mean, what you did to

Ms. hartnett...

We were all thinking about it.

As long as you don't sell crack

really don't care if you

play a little ass-grab, but...

I mean, hell, if I had the

budget, I would build us a

windowless room where you

perverts could just go in there

and poke and grab all day long.

And I'd make it all out of

cement, you know, so you could

hose down all the... Fluids.

Come on!

Is that semen?

It's just a little Mayo.

My daughter made me

that sandwich!

That's a special sandwich,

you little pervert!

Ohh!

[ Gasps ]

Cops are here.

Yeah, I know.

Dude, you got to get

me out of here.

Come on.

Uh, you do know that you're in

the girls' locker room, don't you?

Tell that to your Adam's apple.

Uh, sorry.

Hide here until

it's safe to leave.

What?

Don't go anywhere.

Come on!

What the f*** is wrong with you?

Are you talking to me?

No. I was yelling at my dick

because it won't get hard.

There's a guy in there.

I think he's...

Molesting himself?

It sure sounds like it.

Do you want to watch?

Hey, man. What the

f*** are you doing?

I really need to jerk off,

but it's not working, and I

think I might have broken it.

Wait. Why do you

need to jerk off?

Dude, I really don't have

time to explain right now.

Just help me or get

the f*** away.

[ Clears throat ]

[ High-pitched ] You want

to f*** mistah?

I'll f*** you first one free.

I'll give you all my holes.

Even brown one.

Stanley?

[ Normal voice ] Yeah?

What the f*** are you doing?

I'm trying to help.

I went Asian. Asian seems

right, you know?

[ High-pitched ] Put your egg

roll in my sticky bun!

Ooh, we do fucky-fucky!

Fucky now!

Let's do fucky-fucky!

Shut the hell up.

[ Normal voice ] You shut

the hell up!

Stanley, come on.

Stop, man.

I really need to focus.

[ High-pitched ] Oh, no. Do me!

Do me doggie style,

then we eat dog!

Woof!

Come on, man. Please stop.

You're ruining it.

No, you stop, Mr. America.

Choke me.

Choke me!

Choke me!

[ Deep voice ] You f*** her

from the front, "g. "

I'mma f*** her from the back.

Yeah.

What the hell is that?

[ Normal voice ] It's the only

other voice I can do.

[ Lock clicks ]

I'm gonna go find the cops. Maybe getting

raped in jail is gonna do the trick.

Oh, no.

[ Growls ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasping ]

Just... Throw the sheets in

the laundry, hon.

You got to be f***ing

kidding me!

What was that, Robert?!

You got to be f***ing

kidding me!

Look at yourself!

I'm sorry, mom.

[ Scoffs ] I can't believe

this is my f***ing life.

Aaaaaaaaaah!

You're not gonna lock

your bike up?

Hey, guys.

What time are you flying

out, Artie?

Too bad the special Olympics

doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, rob, Gabrielle told me

your Georgetown interview is...

today.

And no, I don't want to

drop your name.

I mean, I could, but, you know,

I'd rather not be

associated with you.

Rob. What's wrong?

It's not the interview.

You want to talk about it?

I'm good. [ Sighs ]

Well, it's bee day, right?

Yeah, about that.

I have to cancel.

Really? Just like that?

Yes, just like that.

Hey!

Aw!

I don't know what's going on here, but

promise me you'll turn the darkness off for

your interview.

'Cause you've worked

your ass off for it.

And I need to know you're

not gonna throw it away.

If I have to do the interview

with you, I will.

Stop f***ing around,

man. I'm not...

I'm not in a good place

right now.

I'm not f***ing around. You're my

best friend. I'd do anything for you.

Do you mean that?

Yeah. I mean that.

I mean, 'cause you've never

really told me that before.

Well, I never knew I had to.

I don't know, you're just...

you're always so vulgar,

you know?

I bury my emotions. It's a

defense mechanism.

I'm gonna hug you now.

I know.

Hey, guys.

Oh.

Hi, Angela.

Hey... Angela. How are you?

Why are you guys hugging?

It's 2013, Angela. Men

hug now, you know?

Deal with it.

So, rob. Um, I was gonna come find

you later, but since you're here, I

know our tutoring session isn't technically

supposed to be until Thursday, but...

tonight. Um... Yeah. Sure.

[ Chuckles ] Great. And could

we do it at my house?

If we have to.

Perfect. Come over

around 7:
00.

Great.

Nice hoodie.

Tracing the man's slow

fall into madness.

I'll start reading and then we'll

go around the room counterclockwise.

Okay, let's get started.

Mr. crabbe, would you mind

taking your seat so we can begin?

Oh, no, if it's okay, I'm

just... I'm gonna stand.

No, it's not okay.

[ Sighs ]

[ Knock on door ]

I need rob crabbe to

the main office.

Oh, wow. Aren't you

glad I took my seat?

As I recite the poem out loud,

listen for the repetition

of the word "nevermore. "

Gabs?

Huh.

..."while I pondered weak and

weary, over many a quaint and

curious volume of forgotten

lore"...

Mr. crabbe, good to

meet you, young man.

Not gonna lie. Today has been

a never-ending cluster f***.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

But as I've learned, in the light of some

recent difficult events, each day is a gift.

Yeah, it is a gift you

can't return.

You have a very

impressive application.

Everything on there was designed

to solicit that exact response.

I have lived to get

into this school.

You know I even have a set of perfectly scripted

responses to virtually every question that

you could ever ask?

Hell, at one point, I was so nervous

I might have even over-performed.

But not now.

Why? Why not now?

Oh, I could tell you, but

you'd never believe me.

Is it the pressure? Because I can

tell you, you're a lock for our school.

Is it a girl?

Is it a girl?

I can tell you, there's

gonna be others.

There will, and when the

right one... Presents herself...

Oh, God. I was really hoping

you wouldn't cry this time.

What?

Here's the problem. There are certain

things that I thought I wanted, like getting

in to Georgetown or f***ing

Angela yearwood, but then I

realized I don't actually

want any of those things.

Uh...

Other people just

want them for me.

Having sex is nothing you

should take lightly.

I've had, like, seven orgasms

so far today.

[ Scoffs ]

Holy sh*t.

How'd it go?

Look on the bright side.

Tonight you get to have

sex with Angela yearwood.

[ Sighing ] No.

The worst part is I don't.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey. I thought

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