Premature Page #7

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you had to cancel.

Can I come in?

I'm not good.

And I don't even get to actually have

sex. I just orgasm prematurely and

then I wake up back in my room.

And then my mom comes in to find

me sitting on a massive wet spot.

Do you believe me?

Only the part about you waking up

in a massive wet spot every morning.

Gabs, I know that this sounds

f***ing crazy, but I'm serious.

Mmkay, what am I gonna say now?

I don't know. I...

I haven't done this part yet.

Oh, okay, so every day

is not the same.

You can do different things.

Yes, yes, but... inevitably,

I have an orgasm.

Okay. All right. That's... Great.

You got to believe me.

I don't, but, uh, I'm worried

about you now, so...

Walk me through this

never-ending day?

Okay, um...

[ Sighs ]

Well, I wake up...

Just... Throw the sheets in...

smell of a champ...

[ thud ]

Rob!

Hi, guys.

A mammogram.

Nevermore.

[ Knock on door ]

Pongsaklek wonjongkam.

[ Crying ]

No.

Can I confess something to you?

Ka-boom.

[ Gasps ]

And that's all you can think of?

Well, one time Sally levinson

kicked an orgasm out of me,

but those are the constants.

Right.

Look, it's, uh, it's getting

late and I have a test tomorrow.

Gabs, come on, okay? Please?

Please help me.

Look, if you're just gonna live this day

over again, you got to tell me earlier.

Like, third period.

And have you not

believe me again?

Okay, look. Just, if you

want me to believe you...

When you tell me your story,

just mention the Abraham Lincoln

sex fantasy and I will

believe you.

Ew. You have an Abraham

Lincoln sex fantasy?

I had a dream where he...

Emancipated my g-spot.

It was unforgettable.

Oh, my God.

Okay, do you want my

help or not?

Just forget it.

We do have one other option.

We can talk to the

smartest person I know.

You've come to me for help.

Pardon me while I

savor this moment.

Told you this was a bad idea.

Just wait.

Arthur, we really

need your help.

While I applaud your decision to discuss the

matter with me, I have little experience with

mental illness.

Also, he's a dick.

[ Speaking foreign language ]

[ Speaking foreign language ]

I'm sorry, guys, but my mom says you

have to leave before my Nana sees you.

Why? What's up with your Nana?

[ Screaming ]

Mama, no!

[ Thudding ]

Aah! Mama!

What the f***?!

Mama! Mama!

[ Speaking foreign language ]

[ Thud ]

Mama?

[ Gurgles ]

Is she dead?

Aah!

[ All screaming ]

[ Speaking foreign language ]

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Get her off of me!

Get her off of me!

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Get her off!

Get... Her... Off.

[ Moans ]

[ Moaning quietly ]

Jadoogar.

[ Slurping ]

Where are you going?

School.

Not like that.

It's okay. It get a do-over.

Hey, Arthur.

Oh, hey, rob. I got

beer for tonight.

I need to talk to you.

I'm pretty busy.

Are you okay?

No. I'm not okay.

I'm stuck in the same day, and

it's a f***ing hell that you

can't even fathom, and it

just keeps happening.

I wake up, life kicks the sh*t

out of me, and then I have an

orgasm, and then I live the same day all over

again, and I know that that sounds crazy, but it's

true, and I think that this

little f***er can explain it to me.

Wow, I've never seen a

midlife crisis before.

He's 17.

I always saw him going young.

Drugs or a plane crash.

Anyway, hope it works out, rob.

Whoa, whoa, okay.

Watch it.

These fibers are delicate.

All right, so, he's, like, 5.

Hey, no!

Get back here! Get back

here, you little sh*t!

Arthur!

Arthur!

Oh, no. Oh.

He's in there. I'll give you two

minutes, but make it rough on him.

I'm talking "slamming balls

on the toilet seat" rough.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Uh,

maintenance. Keep it moving.

But it's an emergency.

I'll f***ing kill you.

[ Gasps ]

Please stop! Someone just

pooped in here! I can smell it!

What does a "jadoogar" mean?

Wait, what?

What does "jadoogar" mean?!

"Curse"! I think

it means "curse"!

What kind of curse?!

Like a jinx!

How do I get rid of one?!

How should I know?!

Because your grandma

put it on me!

That's crazy! My Nana

doesn't even know who you are!

Your Nana put a f***ing

jadoogar on me!

Please don't dunk me again. I can feel

sores opening up on my lips and in my mouth.

[ Crying ]

Here.

[ Sniffles ]

If I had a knife, I'd stab you

in the f***ing throat.

Have you checked your voicemail?

- Are you okay?

You're acting kind of weird.

- The most amazing thing...

I'm cursed.

That first-generation a**hole just told me that

I'm cursed and that this f***ing sh*t-storm of

a day is just going to

keep repeating.

You know what's ridiculous? Is

wanting to have sexual intercourse with

Abraham Lincoln.

Because I've been through every

nook and cranny today has to offer.

You told me to say it, at

9:
00 tonight yesterday.

And then I blew a load on

Arthur's mom's ample chest, and

then I woke up back

where I started.

Whatever, dude. Listen,

this morning...

Lisa's a jizz jedi. Nobody

cares right now.

Not like a curse is

such a big deal.

Well, if it's not, then

solve it for me.

Okay, it's pretty simple.

A curse is the universe trying

to make you right a cosmic wrong.

You have to figure out what

made the curse start and fix it.

And how do you know that?

Duh... the curse of the bambino.

By some sort of divine

intervention, the Boston Red Sox

got babe Ruth, and they traded

him to the Yankees.

To break the curse, they had

to beat the yanks.

It took them over 80 f***ing

years, but they fixed it.

The universe is a cruel b*tch.

You know, Stanley, you can

always say, "I don't know"

every once in awhile.

You don't always have to bullshit every

time there's a pause in the conversation.

Oh, well, if you have a better idea, why

are you still stuck in the same f***ing day?

Curses are bullshit. Now

say sorry and go conquer

that which has been

unconquerable.

Angela.

[ School bell rings ]

I got to go.

Hey!

Dude, I'm still waiting

for the apology.

Kids, tomorrow I'm going to

be out with a substitute and

the next day I'm gonna have a big story

to tell you all about my mammogram.

Uh, miss marconi.

Angela's wanted down

at the main office.

Do you have a pass?

No.

Then she can't go with you.

Uh, fine.

Angela, tonight. I am coming

over and not for tutoring.

Rob.

What?

Spelling bee.

Seriously? Spelling bee?

You okay with that?

Sure.

You may continue your class now.

Okay, I need you to tell me everything

you know about pleasing a woman.

Jesus.

He's like the bill belichick

of lady parts.

Promise me you won't watch.

I can make no such promises.

Aw, motherf***er!

What made you do this?

You know, I wanted to for,

like, the longest time, and it

felt like you were finally

starting to notice me, you know?

Like, maybe the universe

wanted this to happen.

[ Laughs ]

This is really nice. Usually

I'm with older guys, so...

Yeah, well, I am more

romance, less body hair, so...

[ Both laugh ]

You know what could

be really fun?

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