Prevenge Page #4

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everything and he said he was ready

and then about a third of the way into

the pregnancy he changed his mind.

And he ran off with

a 23 year-old...

- Sh*t.

- TV researcher with tattoos

and you know it was his flat so I had

- I got chucked out basically.

Yeah.

That's horrendous.

No I mean, don't worry, don't

worry about it obviously,

- 'cause people have been really kind so...

- Have they?

It doesn't sound very kind.

I'm sorry but people can be just

so f***ing selfish.

Yeah, they can.

Sorry, makes me feel sick.

Well I, I like kids. So, you

know.

Yeah I've got a little niece

actually.

That's her - I look after her

all the time. And that little...

- Oh that so sweet.

- I'm mad uncle Josh,

and yeah I love it.

I love it yeah.

I mean it's a bit different

living with one though, isn't it.

I mean they just take over your

life, really.

Then you have to kind of

hand yourself over

like some kind of a human

sacrifice to their will.

Look I think Zac'll be back

soon.

Do you wanna, I mean,

well if I could just carry on cooking,

you could have some, you could stay,

- I wouldn't wanna...

- Yeah, I'm bloody starving.

Eat you out of house and home...

No, well, I mean you could eat

- Zac's portion as far as I'm concerned. Right? That's fine.

- Yeah.

I don't know about you but

I just think if you put an egg in

something, it immediately tastes nicer.

- I wouldn't know 'cause I don't really cook, so...

- Or anchovy,

An anchovy... Just thinking does

Claire like anchovies?

Right.

You're speaking to yourself in the third

person, is that what we would expect

from a prospective flatmate?

- No, no, no, I

ok, I've just never had an anchovy, so,

- Are you being serious?

Yeah! No, I've never had one.

Right ok, we need

to change this.

I don't like the look of them.

Oh God. Don't get them out.

Cause I think they're horrible.

Yeah, these are amazing.

It looks like the eyelids of old men that

that have died. That's what I always think.

Tasty though.

Here you go... here's a tiny

smudge.

No, no, no, you're not

going to make me...

- Try it. Try a smidge...

- Why is it hairy?

It's just - These are... these are

luxury hairs, there are hairs of luxury,

this is good living, right here.

- Oh my god...

- Tastes amazing,

It's acquired tastes. We will

sophisticate you if you live here.

- Ugh.

- No?

- You've poisoned me.

- No..

- You've poisoned my unborn child.

- No, no. These contain

omega 3, I think you'll find, iron,

calcium, probably, vitamin D.

Are you a doctor?

I am doctor anchovy, and this

is the only thing I prescribe...

Next week I'll get you...

- Are you alright? You ok?

- I don't feel very well.

- Oh Christ, I'm sorry, Is it the anchovy..?

- Is it alright if I sit down?

- Please yeah lie down, just

put your feet up.

I don't know what's wrong with

me, I just...

Can I get you a glass of water

or,

I'm just really, I'm just really

tired.

Of course you are.

You've been through shitloads.

On your own, I mean anyone would

be tired.

You're really kind, aren't you?

Do you want a,

a cushion or anything?

Oh my God...

- Did you see that?

- Yeah I saw the baby moving.

Aw that's nuts...

Give me your hand.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Did you feel that?

- Yeah that's amazing.

No one else has felt her, so..

Seriously?

Well I'm very privileged,

thank you very much.

She's saying,

"hey mum, I learnt how to do the

boogaloo,

self-taught."

No I'm not, I'm saying f*** off.

Can't you see he's just pretending?

I think she's actually telling

me to get on with it.

Stay there, stay there, don't do a thing,

I'm gonna go get you some food, alright?

You just don't move a muscle.

It'll be the best thing you've

ever had, excluding anchovies...

He's coming...

Do it. DO IT NOW!

It wasn't me. It wasn't me!

F***.

That's it.

Yes.

It was completely unnecessary to

kill that man, he was really nice.

He was a sop. A hipster sop.

Shh. The sacrifices I've had to

make.

- What sacrifices?

- Children these days are really spoiled.

Like, mummy I want a playstation,

mummy I want you to kill that man.

- I don't want a new...

- I know you don't want a new daddy

but there was no possibility of

that so stop going on about it.

- He saw everything.

- I know he's a witness but

there's a chance he might not have

told anyone. - His name was Josh.

No you're right.

No one called Josh is not gonna

tell the authorities.

He would have been like all the

rest.

- Inherently evil.

- Look stop going on about it, I'm serious.

I'm the mother, I am in control.

You regret it.

You regret killing them.

I'm doing this because you're

making me.

Oh no.

No, please no.

"Now, I want you to let a feeling

wellbeing wash over you.

A feeling of love for your

fellow man.

I want you to say to yourself,

'I am Love.

Everyone is kindness.

Everyone loves me.

Everyone loves my baby.'

And I want you to imagine

everyone you have ever met

standing around you in a circle

and placing their hands on your

bump.

Placing their Love upon your

baby.

This is The World.

And they are saying,

'we are here to protect you..."

Listen to the sound of my voice.

You feel better now.

I feel a lot better now.

Hey...

Excuse me, excuse me?

Hello?

Excuse me?

Oh f***.

He knows.

He's onto us.

Can't believe it, he's f***ing

onto us.

He hath slipped from the net

whom we chased.

He hath 'scaped us

who should be our prey.

O'ermastered by slumber we sank,

And our quarry hath stolen

away...

Zabek...

He was creepy.

Creepy little man.

Slimy. Dumb. Like a lizard.

Dan...

what a d*ckhead.

He was a pig.

A total pig.

He just didn't have the balls.

Ella

Poor leadership skills!

- Cold-hearted b*tch...

- I agree.

Done her.

Very efficient with that one.

Zac...

didn't speak to him much but I

could tell he was a gobshite.

Total little twat. But it was

a shame about Josh.

Len...

Len...

Len...

Hi...

Hey...

I was wondering if I could

talk to you about Child Charity,

it's a local organization that is

working for children living in poverty.

I already give to charity...

Do you? Which charities do you

give to?

I do sponsored runs.

- Oh wow, you must be really fit.

- Yeah.

Oh I'm terrible,

I'm just like...

- yeah so do you have five minutes?

- Not really.

Can I come in?

- No.

- Do you have a toilet?

You know I have a toilet.

Can I use it?

It's upstairs.

Thanks.

Looks like I'm gonna fall over.

Oh this is nice. Sports

equipment everywhere!

Sorry about that, I got a

bladder the size of a pea.

I need to piss every 11 houses

or something like that.

- What are you doing?

- I thought we could discuss your donations.

I told you I already give to

charity.

Not to Child Charity though.

I couldn't give a f*** about child

charity, I just want you out of my house.

Ok,

if you don't care about

children.

For what it's worth, you're missing

out on a really worthwhile cause.

Yeah I'll try and live with

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