Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

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Tis a truth universally acknowledged.

That a zombie in possession of

brains must be in want of more brains.

Never was this truth more plain

than in the recent attacks at Netherfield Park.

In which an entire household was slaughtered

by a horde of the living dead during a whist party.

Who goes there?

Who goes there?

Darcy. Colonel Darcy.

No zombie bite marks on this pristine young body.

Father.

How are you able to discern that the

wound from my rib was from fencing?

Been a bit a long time my son.

I have no wound.

More sherry for Mr. Kingston please.

Darcy?

Carry on, we've absolutely nothing to hide.

Please, everyone enjoy.

Mr. Darcy.

Colonel Darcy, Mrs. Featherstone

I'm here on official business.

There's been a report that

somebody here has been bitten.

Surely not.

There hasn't been a zombie

incident in over two years.

I assure you we've taken every precaution.

A newly infected zombie is

almost impossible to detect.

Until they've ingested their

first human brains, at which point

the transformation accelerates

with every subsequent kill.

Yes, we are all well aware

of how it works Col. Darcy.

Well? Are you quite satisfied?

Quite.

- Might I play a hand?

- Of course.

Good evening.

So shall we?

- A potion?

- Flies, madam.

I beg your pardon?

Carrion flies.

They're in possession of

but one truly, enviable talent.

The ability to detect dead flesh.

I've won the trick!

A very crafty play Mr. Kingston.

I dare say, but the

buzzing is frightfully loud

It's not the buzzing that

should concern you madam.

But rather when the buzzing stops.

Oh dear.

Is there anyone else present?

Whom he would've had the

opportunity to infect?

A family member perhaps.

Good evening.

Mr. Kingston's niece is here!

There is no need to put that

girl through Mr. Darcy's interrogation.

Cassandra come back!

Annabelle.

Where are you?

Annabelle?

It wasn't always like this my dear daughters.

As the century began

Britannia was rich with the

fruits of world wide trade.

From the colonies there came

not just silks and spices

but a virulent and abominable plague.

Naturally many suspected the French were to blame.

Are you surprised?

Once bitten, the newly infected were filled

with an insatiable hunger

for the brains of the living.

Millions perished, only to rise again.

As legions of undead.

So certain it would seem

the end of days had come.

But even the four horsemen of the apocalypse

are said to have ascended from hell.

To protect the living, the Grand Barrier was built.

A one hundred foot wall,

encircling London.

Then excavation began on the royal canal.

A vast mote thirty fathoms deep

surrounding both the city and its walls.

The land twixt the two fortifications

became known as The Inbetween.

At this time it became fashionable

to study the deadly arts of the orient.

Japan for the wealthy.

China for the wise.

In the second battle of Kent. One of the bridges

that cross the royal canal was breached.

Ravenous zombie hordes massacred

every villager of The Inbetween.

It was said the sight of this slaughter

drove young King George mad.

When the battle was finally won, he ordered

the destruction of all the bridges, save one.

Hingham Bridge.

Which to this day remains the only means

by which to cross the royal canal.

Many believed the enemy was finally vanquished.

The gentry began to leave the safe confines

of London's defenses.

For their newly fortified country estates.

But vigilance is still every essence.

Remember this.

Keep your swords as sharp as your wit.

For the ultimate battle between the living

and the undead has yet to be staged.

Mr. Bennet!

Mr. Bennet?

Mr. Bennet, have you heard that Netherfield Park is occupied again?

By a Mr. Bingley

A young single man of large fortune

Mrs. Long says his income has grown to 5,000 a year!

He is attending the village dance tonight.

How does this concern our warrior daughters?

How can you be so tiresome?

You know I mean for him

to marry one of them.

Daughters do not dance well

with masticated brains, Mrs. Bennet.

You sir have already put them

at a decided social disadvantage

by insisting they do their combat

training in China as opposed to Japan.

The Chinese deadly arts have no equal!

I for one would trade nothing

for my Shaolin training.

You mustn't speak like that Lizzy.

I should like to go to the dance.

Do you think Mr. Bingley's handsome?

With his income Lydia, you'd think him

handsome if he had half a zombie face.

You'll make me very very happy.

Well I suppose if we all go.

No!

I don't care to be paraded like

a herd of heffers at a farm auction.

That's because you're the cow whose least

proficient in the art of tempting the other sex.

Moo.

Do not mistake my indulgence

for relaxation in discipline.

They must find husbands Mr. Bennet.

For as you know too well, they

shall inherit nothing when you pass.

Their immediate survival is my present concern.

Be patient.

Can I say you're easily five times as

beautiful as any other woman in this room.

- Stop it Liz.

- It's true.

These girls don't stand a chance.

They say Mr. Bingley brought a

train of London dandies with him.

Smile Liz.

I will later.

There's the handsome new master of Netherfield.

It was my understanding that

Captain Bingley was in want of a wife.

Oh he is!

Those are his sisters: Caroline Bingley and Louisa Hurst.

They say he inherited nearly a hundred thousand pounds.

What a magnificent husband he'd make.

Charlotte Lucas do you think of nothing else?

Zombies or no zombies all woman must think of marriage, Lizzy.

I shall never relinquish my sword for a ring.

For the right man you would.

The right man wouldn't ask me to.

Mr. Darcy!

Rather an imposing presence.

Owns half of Derbyshire!

Ten thousand pounds a year at least.

Welcome dear friend!

How are you?

How do you do?

I'm very well, how's this gentry rubbish?

Fine.

So this is merry?

She's the most beautiful creature I ever beheld.

She smiles too much.

She shows her age.

Charles Bingley, pleased to make your acquaintance.

Mrs. Bennet.

We've heard so much about you Mr. Bingley.

My daughters.

All of impeccable character.

May I introduce my friend, Mr. Darcy of Derbyshire.

Are you enjoying hutch Mr. Bingley?

Very much.

I've heard the library at Netherfield is one of the finest.

Library? Is it?

Ms. Bennet may I be so bold as

to request the next two dances.

If you're not otherwise engaged.

I'm not engaged.

Good for you Mr. Bingley, you chose

the loveliest of my daughters.

Mother!

What?

I consider dancing to be the first refinement of

polished society, don't you agree Mr. Darcy?

Now every savage can dance.

Why I imagine even the zombies could do it with some degree of success.

Thank you.

Please don't forget our next dance Ms. Bennet.

Darcy...

I hate to see you just standing there you must dance.

Oh you know I detest it when I'm not acquainted with my partner.

- Oh, well.

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