Private Benjamin Page #6

Sergio Devoto's Driving Academy...

...which teaches evasive driving

to the chauffeurs...

...of such dignitaries as

General Alexander Haig...

...President Giscard d'Estaing,

Mick Jagger...

Excuse me, Private Benjamin...

...I'm afraid I missed

the security data on these drivers.

The security data was

unavailable to me, sir.

Who's here from security?

I am, sir.

That material is highly classified, sir.

I am certain this soldier

is not cleared for that level.

Then clear her, Captain.

Is there a problem?

No, sir.

Then we'll expect a revised report

by the next council session.

Gentlemen...

...chow time.

Good job.

Behave yourself, Judy Benjamin...

...or I'll drum your ass out of S.H.A.P.E.

So fast it'll make your head spin.

Sorry, Helga.

Who is your friend, Doreen?

She's no fwiend... friend.

Listen, the bags are packed.

My ex-girlfriend, Claire, painted it.

- What's it supposed to be, death?

- No, it's a self-portrait.

How long ago did you and this...

...painter break up?

- 14 weeks ago, Monday.

- You're still counting it in weeks?

How come you broke up?

Or is that too personal?

Claire is a brilliant woman.

I even joined the Communist Party

for her for a week.

Not romantic though,

much too independent.

Do you know a lot of tortured artists?

Only tortured lawyers.

Your first husband was a lawyer?

No, Rick was a tennis pro

at the El San Juan.

My therapist said that I had

a neurotic need to find a father figure.

And he had a neurotic need to find

a father-in-law who had a lot of money.

You know, I've been married to men

I haven't felt this comfortable with.

What's the story with you

and this Tremont character?

Why are you spying on me?

- Your lover-boy's a Red!

- Don't be ridiculous!

He was a Red for about five seconds.

Because of a woman he used to date.

Nobody stops being a Communist.

It's a terminal disease.

And I am not going to sit around

with my thumb up my ass...

...while you divulge

classified information...

...during the throes of passion.

Please! I can barely speak

during the throes of passion.

Believe me, Henri Tremont is

as much a Communist as me.

Or you!

If Patton were alive,

he would slap your face.

As you were.

Captain Lewis.

Private Benjamin has made herself

vulnerable to a Red, sir.

I read the report.

It's not true, sir.

We're not blind to the fact

that half of Europe is Communistic.

But here at S.H.A.P.E.

They're still the enemy.

General Foley, Henri Tremont...

...is not a Communist.

He's a gynecologist.

Captain Lewis is hung up

on a technicality.

I'm sorry, but it's against regulations

for you to associate with this man.

You're up for a promotion.

I'd hate to see this incident

jeopardize your career.

What are you trying to tell me, sir?

It's either him...

...or us.

- Can't you hear?

- Can't you move?

It's Judy.

Judy who?

Darling, how are you?

What?

She's getting married.

Monsieur Shiffman!

Thank God!

Listen, the tablecloths...

...they're terrible.

The color, la couleur, is all wrong.

The wedding is in yellow...

...and butterscotch.

And right now I'm looking at

something entre...

...canari et banane.

Gabby!

Pardon, Madame!

I get the Hoover.

Was she a good maid

before she met me?

Is it smart to fire the maid

just before the wedding?

Especially with your parents coming.

Okay, she stays until after the wedding.

You look very beautiful today.

So do you.

What did your friends say

when they called?

They're coming over on

Army Transport next week.

I can't wait to see them.

It's going to be so much fun.

And Glass is learning French!

Honey, who was that?

It was Claire.

Claire?

Get over this obsession with Claire.

You stood with your tongue hanging out.

I was surprised to see her.

Surprised?

I'd call it catatonic.

You don't see me getting hung up on your

old boyfriends and husbands.

Do you?

Listen to me.

Come here.

I love you.

We're getting married in a week.

I want to have a baby with you.

You do?

Oh, honey!

I'd love to have a baby.

I thought I was getting too old.

A baby!

- I want us to be together always.

- We will!

It's the reality of things sometimes...

...they don't always work out

exactly as they are planned, so...

What are you saying?

- I want you to sign this.

- What is it?

Contrat de mariage.

A letter of financial agreement.

God forbid something should happen

to us. It just helps us stay friends.

I want to be your wife, not your friend.

It's fair. I allocated for myself

what was mine before our marriage.

You cannot expect me to give you...

...half of a house that's been

in my family for centuries.

We don't need this kind of thing

between us. We'll make it.

I can't get married without it.

It's in French.

Please.

Private Benjamin?

Did I write that? I'm sorry.

I'll just cross it out.

Initial it.

Where shall we go tonight?

Regine's?

Took Henri's car to the shop.

Made Henri's hair appointment.

Took Max to the vet.

Picked up Henri's soccer uniform.

You've got to remember that

I used to be a very active person.

I was jumping out of airplanes...

...and at S.H.A.P.E. It was

like nonstop chaos.

You're not thinking about

opening a store?

No, you were right about that.

It would've been too much

of a hassle to do. It was a bad idea.

But there have to be other choices.

Do you know what I did today?

I rearranged my closet.

For three hours.

There's definitely something wrong

with that, isn't there?

- Am I making sense?

- No.

And that's what I love about you.

This is the color of hair

I was talking about.

I don't know. Maybe.

I love it.

Rita Hayworth, I swear to God!

- I wouldn't have recognized you.

- You look stunning!

Turn around, let me see the outfit.

Oh God, doll! Gorgeous!

It's an absolute vision.

Her hair is the worst!

To see you looking like your

old self again, you have no idea!

Who knows what we'd do

in her place.

The important thing is,

Judy's Judy again.

- Truthfully, you don't miss the Army?

- What's to miss? $400 a month?

The only good thing about it

was that what's-her-name.

Captain Lewis?

I hope her coat's good enough.

I had no idea it'd be so chilly.

- It's November here, Kissy.

- It's November everywhere, genius!

Sit!

I was talking to Max.

It's good to see you up.

Excuse me for interrupting.

Does this belong to anyone?

Because I'm positive it isn't mine.

Oui, Madame.

Where did you find it?

Where you left eet!

May I ask what you were doing

in my bed?!

I was not in your bed, madame.

I make your bed.

It must have fallen.

What are you doing?

I would like to know how

this item got into my bed.

This is too much!

Judy, give Gabrielle back the cross.

What should I think?

She's the world's worst maid!

Enough! Please!

What's gotten into you lately? It's like

I live with the kid from the Exorcist!

Two weeks ago I was like a god to you!

Now you show me no respect.

I respect you.

Accusing me of sleeping with Gabrielle!

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