Private Parts Page #14

a disgusting, sexist, racist pig

who had the maturity level

of a 3-year-old, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I get that

all the time.

But then you know

what happens?

What?

I grow on you

like a fungus.

I could see that.

You know, I have

to tell you...

this has been

a really great flight.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

You know, I could

get this girl.

I know I could get her.

And this is the hell

that's my life.

I mean, think about it.

What would it be like

to have sex with her?

It would be amazing.

But I'm not going

to act on it.

You know why?

Because I'd be a schmuck.

No, because

I love Alison.

She stuck with me through

the whole thing, you know?

You gotta respect that.

I think you have

to respect that.

You have to

respect that.

Hey, everybody!

- Daddy!

- Daddy!

Oh, did I miss you!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Let's go say hi to Mommy.

Come on.

- Hi.

- Wait, wait. There we go.

Did you miss me?

Mmm!

Hi, honey.

I missed you.

Oh, Gloria.

Honey, Gloria.

Gloria, honey.

Honey, Gloria.

Gloria, honey.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Maybe the two of you

would like to have

a little menage a trois

tonight?

Huh. You know what?

Maybe some other time.

Just, you know,

trying.

Yeah, I know.

OK. See you,

Gloria.

Howard:
So occasionally I make

a fool of myself in public,

and the FCC

wants me off the air,

and every fundamentalist group

in this country hates my guts,

and, yeah, most of the things

I do are misunderstood.

Hey, after all,

being misunderstood

is the fate of all

true geniuses, is it not?

But my life

isn't bad at all.

I'm still on the air,

I've got my kids,

and I've got Alison.

Alison... She's the best friend

I could ever have.

And who knows?

With a little time,

the right energy...

I think I could talk her

into some hot lesbo action.

Porno For Pyros:

# Got my hands into something #

# I could not touch... #

Stuttering John:

Wait! Wait! Is that it?

What, the movie's over?

Oh, yeah?

That's bullshit!

Hi. You know who I am?

Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.

And you know why I'm pissed?

I'll tell you why.

I've been getting up at 5:00

every morning to work for Howard.

I've been pissing off

every publicist,

burning every freakin'

bridge in the industry,

And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay

me back by putting me in his movie!

No, he doesn't!

I'm not in the movie!

I've been in here for 8 years,

cuttin' his friggin' potato!

I've been smacked around

by Morton Downey,

punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,

and what do I get?

I get f***ing nothing!

That's what I get!

I'm not even in

this f***ing movie!

He's says I'll

be in the sequel!

Yeah? What sequel?

Suppose the movie sucks?

Th-th-th-there won't

even be any sequel!

# If you lie for your breakfast,

then you won't get lunch #

# I'm a hard charger #

# I don't believe in dying #

# No such luck #

# Hard charger #

# Can't stay pretty

'cause it's just no fun #

# Hard charger... #

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Mia Farrow.

[Applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

The nominees

for best actor are...

Harrison Ford...

[Applause]

Denzel Washington...

[Applause]

Robert DeNiro...

[Applause]

Tom Hanks...

[Applause]

Howard Stern.

[Silence]

And the winner is...

Howard Stern.

[Murmuring]

[Trumpet Fanfare]

It's me!

[Snap]

[Gasping]

Howard:

# I'm a radio star #

# A hit on TV #

# My life is on film #

# Yet it sucks bein' me #

Ben:
Shut up! Sit down!

# My life's a wreck #

# I'm bored with sex #

# I've got a big nose

and a skinny neck #

# I can't sing #

# I can't dance #

# I make money talking about

the joke in my underpants #

# I'm a tortured man #

Shut up! Sit down!

# I'm a tortured man #

I told you not to be

stupid, you moron.

Howard:
I'm just

thinking for a minute.

Should I trade half my money

for 10 times as much sex?

It's an equation

from hell.

Ray:
Oh, well!

It's an equation

from hell.

Oh, well!

It's an equation

from hell.

Oh, well!

Marilyn Manson:

# Your mouth is like a suicide #

# Talkin' like

you never doubt #

# Melting me down #

# And suck, suck,

sucking my brain #

# But I can't be the one

that you need, yeah #

# And I can't be the... #

I bear no grudge

against Howard Stern.

He's been very successful,

and God bless him.

God bless him.

But I'll tell you

something,

I ain't done

too badly myself.

Uh, I manage

a shopping mall

down in

Florence, Alabama.

Yeah. It's the number one

mall in Colbert County,

and it's number 4

in the state,

So, it's not

too bad, you know?

Uh, I play golf

several times a week, you know?

Uh, but

I'll tell you,

if Howard would have

listened to me,

I'd still be

up there in radio.

Still be doing

radio, you know.

[Jackhammer]

How about that?

That goddamn motherf***er,

you know?

[Jackhammer]

I tried every f***ing thing

I could f***ing think of

to mold him into

a proper kind of d.j.,

- but that goddamn son of a b*tch...

- [Jackhammer]

I'll tell you...

Howard Stern, man.

- That motherfuckin'...

- [Siren]

- [Jackhammer]

And I'll say that

with no shame either!

- Man's a...

- [Jackhammer]

Foul-mouthed,

immature...

the man's immature,

you know?

- He's like a... child.

- [Jackhammer]

I'll tell you

this much.

There ain't no God while

Howard Stern's walking the earth,

I'll tell you that.

I gotta go.

How about that?

Howard Stern, huh?

Howard Stern can

kiss my ass in hell!

[Jackhammer]

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