Private Parts Page #13

Pig Vomit's office.

I'm gonna knock

on his door.

All right.

Hey, Pig Vomit.

Come on, Kenny.

Why don't you open up?

I want to know why

this guy had to cut my show off.

Come on, Pig Vomit.

Mr. Stern,

he's in a meeting.

I'd like to know

what meeting

is more important

than my show.

He took the show

right off the air.

What'd you take the show

off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?

This isn't funny, Howard.

Oh, it's not funny?

What are you

talking about?

I think

it's very funny.

How would you know

what's funny, anyway?

You're not bringing

that in here, Stern.

I don't see anybody

in here in a meeting, do you?

You gotta go.

Why would I have to go?

Why don't you explain

to my audience

why you had to

shut down the show?

I don't answer

to you, Stern.

Yes, you do,

you big idiot scumbag.

I'm your boss.

I'm your boss.

Hey, what's this?

Robin, it's everybody's

salary on his desk.

God damn it,

get out of here!

He hit me, Robin.

He's hitting me.

Robin:
Hit him back.

I'm gonna

hit you back.

I hit him back.

He hit...

You're not getting

the phone from me, Kenny.

Gimme the damn phone.

No!

Oh!

Oh, my God, Robin.

Kenny just hit himself

in the face. He's bleeding.

Give that to me.

Hey, come on.

Oh!

Robin:
Oh, goodness,

what's going on?

Vince just got hit

by Kenny.

God damn it, Stern!

You look! See that?!

Blood, Stern!

- Are you OK?

- No!

Broke my nose!

It wasn't my fault.

I'll sue your ass!

Get out of here!

[Voices Overlapping]

Our first guest tonight

is the afternoon

drive-time disc jockey

at WNBC radio

here in New York City.

Ladies and gentlemen,

do me a favor.

Please welcome Howard Stern.

Howard!

[Cheers And Applause]

Walk over there

and have a seat.

Now, uh, Howard,

you know, uh...

I admire you, you know?

I love what you do.

I think

you're a pioneer.

You're on the cutting edge

of radio entertainment.

You and I both work

for NBC.

You have

the radio show,

I have the little

TV show here.

How do you get along

with the folks here?

You enjoying

the experience?

I hate it at NBC, Dave.

It's the worst. It sucks.

I gotta tell you something.

All the management at NBC...

bunch of creeps, and I'm not

afraid to say it right now,

and, you know,

it's funny,

because I know you feel

the same exact way I do about NBC

because you told me on the phone

personally last week

that you feel

the same way.

I couldn't be happier.

Everything is fine.

I don't understand

them at all.

Now, Howard, let's get

back to the issue

of them being creepy.

Now, when you say

they're creep...

He makes us sound like

a bunch of idiots on the radio.

He criticizes us

on television.

I thought you were going

to control this guy.

Oh, well,

we are, sir.

In fact, we're designing

a more restrictive program

- Shut up.

- To make sure...

How are his numbers?

The official ratings don't

come out until tomorrow,

but we've got

some projections.

Stern... has gone...

from a 2.9 to a 5.6.

[Choking]

He's number one

in the market.

He's the hottest d.j.

In New York.

[Cough]

Kind of weird,

you know?

I thought there was

a mistake or something,

but...

mm-mmm... no.

My girlfriends think i'm crazy for

letting you behave like that on the air.

What are you

talking about?

You know what it is?

It's those yentas you hang around with.

They're... they're

driving you crazy.

It's not yentas, Howard.

It's everybody.

I can't even go... I can't

even get my hair done.

I can't even walk in

and get my hair done

without people looking at me like,

"Oh, God, that poor little thing."

Then you know

what you gotta do?

You gotta go to a different

hair shop or something.

- Please!

- For God's sakes,

If the place is driving

you crazy, don't go there.

It's not that!

It's not that!

God, no wonder they think

you're sleeping around!

Look at me!

Look at me!

- I'm disgusting!

- What about you?

- You're not disgusting.

- Yes, I am! I look like a house!

- I look like an elephant!

- You don't look like a house.

- You do not. You look beautiful.

- I look like Babar!

- You don't look like an elephant.

- I do.

You don't look like Babar.

You look gorgeous.

This is the most beautiful

you ever looked.

You're carrying our baby.

Come over here. You want to

sit down on this couch?

You know what the problem is?

You're tired.

I am tired.

Here.

Look at this...

It's our baby.

It's beautiful.

You're beautiful.

Beautiful.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Who would come here?

Quiet.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

I don't want

to get that.

- [Buzz]

- Oh.

OK. I'll go

get the door.

- Don't go away.

- [Buzz]

[Buzz]

Howdy, partner.

- How you doing?

- Oh, hey, Kenny.

Can I come in

just for a second?

It's kind of

a bad time, OK?

Just real quick, OK?

Listen.

I want to tell you

something.

You've won.

When the new ratings

come out tomorrow,

you are going

to be number one.

You understand me? A point

and a half higher than lmus.

- No sh*t?

- You've killed him. You've slayed him.

You understand me?

Ha ha!

That's great news.

Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.

Howard!

Howard! Howard!

Listen, I know I've been

a real pain in the butt, OK?

But that's

all over with now.

Now, you're going to need

a friend on the inside.

I'm going to do

everything I can for you.

All right?

How's that sound, partner?

F*** you.

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

People of New York...

People of Earth...

we are gathered here today

in praise of me!

[Cheering]

Man, this is

a great day in my life.

I've been dreaming

of this day forever.

Thank you!

Thanks.

You know,

when I got to NBC,

they treated me

like I was a jerk.

They did everything to

sabotage me, but because of you...

[Cheering]

Because of you,

and only because of you,

I am now the number one

disc jockey in New York,

and I thank you.

I love you for that.

I love you!

Thank you!

This is my gift to you,

New York...

AC/DC!

[You Shook Me

All Night Long Plays]

# She was a fast machine #

# She kept

her motor clean #

# She was the best damn

woman that I've ever seen #

# She had the sexiest eyes #

# Telling me no lies #

# Knockin' me out

with those American thighs #

# We did not

want to share... #

How!

My water broke!

What?

My water broke!

# Bang, the walls

started shakin' #

# The earth was quakin' #

# My mind was achin' #

# We were makin' when you #

# Shook me all night long #

Hey! Hey!

# Yeah, you shook me

all night long... #

Keep it moving!

# One more time,

and when she got to... #

[Siren]

Hoowww!

Now, push! Push!

No, no, don't push.

Just breathe deeply.

Don't push, honey.

Ice chips.

F*** ice chips,

How!

Listen to me...

we named her Emily.

7 pounds, 8 ounces.

She was incredibly

beautiful. Really nice.

Well, you must

have felt fabulous.

Yeah, I had everything I ever

wanted in life, you know.

You know,

I have to admit

that I'm really not

a very big fan of yours,

but, in fact, l...

I know. You thought I was

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