Private School Page #2

But up till now you've done

everything. Now it's my turn, all right?

Okay.

I suppose I'd say, "I'd just

like to buy some condoms"?

Well, be a little bit

more sophisticated.

Sophisticated?

Sophisticated?

Yep, it is fabulous.

It's called Fountain of Truth,

and you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm just gonna do one half of your face

so you can see the incredible difference.

It just relaxes those

years right off your face.

Now let that dry for a few minutes

and I'll be right with you. Okay?

Hello there, young fella! Hi.

What can I do you for today?

I'd like to buy some

prophylactic devices.

Now that is what I like to hear.

You know what they say,

"An ounce of prevention..."

You know, most young people today

are too careless about their bodies.

Well, what type of prophylaxis

did you have in mind?

What... What, what type?

Well, yeah, we have the ones

with the little rubber tip

for getting in the hard-to-reach

areas, and we have the stimulators,

and we have my personal favorite

which possesses marvelous

prophylactic qualities.

All you do is insert the tip

of a toothpick into the end

and she's ready to work for you. Yep.

And, of course, we also

carry the full line of flosses

and picks and the bristle brushes

in the various degrees of stiffness.

Did your dentist recommend

anything in particular?

My dentist? Yep. Your dentist.

Did you get them?

What the hell is this stuff?

He... He misunderstood me and

it was too much trouble to...

I'll do it.

Absolutely magnificent.

And you can really feel

it working, can't you?

You know what? Let's let

this little bit in here

dry a little bit more and I'll

be with you in two seconds.

Well, hello, young lady.

What can I help you with today?

I'd like to buy some condoms.

Yeah. Well, let's see.

We have these on sale this week.

This is three dozen for

$5.99. I'll take them.

However, I don't know if I'd trust them.

They've been on the

shelf for quite some time.

Now, we have this new product here.

These are multicolored and ribbed.

Oh, that'll be just fine.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think you'd want

anything that tawdry, do you?

No, no, or do you? No.

No. No, what you want is

something really reliable, huh?

Yeah. Yep.

Well, I have sold literally miles and miles

of these and I've never had any complaints.

Now, does he like them pre-lubricated?

Your husband. These are for

your husband, aren't they?

Yes, for my husband.

They're definitely for my husband,

and we're both definitely married!

And does he like them

pre-lubricated, then?

Yeah, I'll take them.

Get this stuff off my face!

Miss Dutchbok. Good

afternoon, Miss Dutchbok.

Good afternoon, Christine.

You probably wonder what I'm

doing here... I don't really care!

...buying these very

things for my father.

Actually they're not

for my father, they're...

Fine! But don't you have homework

to do back at school, Christine?

Yes, I do. I do have lots of homework

and I'll just be paying for these vitamins

here and going on my way. Thank you.

You know, green really is your color.

Hey, did you win one yet?

So you're finally gonna get into

Chris' pants. I can't believe it.

Hey, scumbag, don't talk

about Chris like that.

Oh, our James doesn't approve of

your vocabulary, do you, James?

No, he's right, Roy. I'm sorry, Jim.

Perhaps I should've said, have

you given her a hot beef injection?

You guys are animals! Get out of here!

Hey, big boy. Think you're

man enough to score with me?

Damn right! Hey, guys!

I have to be in bed early tonight.

Don't worry, honey, you will be.

Oh, don't touch me there! It's not fair!

Hey, Jim, I'm doing better than you.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

I did it! I scored!

I got into her pants!

Yeah, that's about as close as

you're ever gonna get to nookie.

Hey, Mr. Big, I thought you

were gonna call Chrissie.

You wouldn't want her to cancel

her de-virginization, would you?

I'm sure not gonna call

her in front of you nerds.

Oh, why not?

Is Jimsie-wimsy afraid to talk his baby

talk in front of Roysy-woysy and Bubba-wubba?

I'm not afraid to do anything.

He's afraid. Mmm-hmm.

Get off it! Well, if you're

not afraid, then call.

Go ahead. Hey, here's a

dime. There's the phone. Call.

Five bucks says you're chicken.

Do you have five bucks?

Go on.

Well, go on, chicken.

You guys make one sound, I'm gonna hang

up and beat the sh*t out of both of you.

Hello?

Chris, hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Jim, what are you doing?

You know, hanging out.

Hanging out.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just sitting around.

I've been thinking about you.

I've been thinking about you, too.

You have? What have you been thinking?

This is great. I gotta take some of

this down so I can use it for myself.

I've been thinking a

lot about our weekend.

Oh, weekend.

You have? What have you

been thinking about it?

Oh, lots of stuff. You know,

like how much fun it's gonna be.

What else? How great it'll be.

Mmm-hmm. What else?

Well, lots of stuff like that.

Do you still love me? Sure.

Well, then, let me hear you say it.

No, not right now.

Why not?

Because... Oh, come on,

let me hear you say it.

No. Why not?

Because!

Because you're afraid

to let anybody hear you.

No, that's not true.

Then say it.

All right. I love you.

And I love you, too, Jimbo.

What happened? Jordan

was on the extension!

Scumbags!

I love you.

Hey, big boy, think you're

man enough to score with me?

I am if Bubba is.

Oops, sorry, tonight

I have to wash my hair.

What? Oh, Jim.

Do you think I'm doing the

right thing, with Jim, I mean?

I guess I'm kind of scared.

Bets, have you ever really

done it, all the way?

Well, yes and no.

What do you mean, "Yes

and no"? Don't you know?

Bubba says we did it once and that

it was very good for both of us.

But I was passed out. I

don't remember a thing.

Well, it's not gonna be like that

for me. What else does Bubba say?

He says that I had three orgasms.

That I begged him for mercy and that I

said I've never seen a man so well endowed.

Well, is he? Is he what?

Is he well endowed?

I don't really know.

I mean, not firsthand. Just

from what Bubba tells me.

Jordan thinks that length is

most important, what do you think?

I think width. Why width?

Because Jordan thinks length.

All right, girls, let's get a move

on. We're gonna be late for practice.

Who slammed?

Hey, Jordan, how's it going?

Who slammed? Cut it

out with the slamming!

Hut! Only a floater, Jim.

We go deep, make a play.

Okay. All right, let's see it.

All right!

First we're gonna give

them cheer number 69.

"Rickety rackety."

All right, girls? All right.

What's so funny?

Keep your eye on the coach and Rita.

Why?

Oh, I think we might be

seeing a little more of them.

Okay.

Rickety rackety shanty town

Who's gonna keep those Trojans down?

Nobody, nobody, nobody

Oh, Bet!

This is it!

This is the last straw.

I don't know which of you is

responsible for this shocking debacle!

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