Problem Child 2 Page #5

A father's good for some things, but you need

a mother for emotional guidance.

Values... Morality?

Perhaps I should talk to the boy?

- Well, yeah. That might be...

- Good.

Listen here, you little monster.

I am mightier than you are.

And I always get what I want, so back off.

Because whether you like it or not,

I am gonna marry your daddy.

And when I do, you'll be

on the first plane to boarding school,

in Baghdad.

Dad, you gotta believe me.

She said Baghdad.

Forget it, you have no credibility any more.

Let's see if we can get through

this evening like a normal family,

without anything bizarre happening. OK?

Come on.

Come here, look at the chart.

I got 15 gold stars this semester.

- Do you have anything nice to show me?

- Sure, just the usual stuff.

There's my desk.

Here's my science project.

I'm innocentl I'm innocentl

There's my teacher, Mr Thorn.

Mom, this is Mr Thorn.

She's doing very well. Awfully good.

Attention, parents. Please take your seats

for tonight's special programme,

Salute to Democracy.

Because you know it's, like,

democracy and we're saluting it.

- Hello, Sam.

- Hello, Baldy.

Sure is great to see

all those parents out there tonight.

- It sure is.

- It's so sweet!

You can't do that to me!

What are you...?

Sorry about the delay, folks.

We're experiencing technical difficulties.

Yeah, I had to scratch my balls.

- Hey, I didn't know eagles had balls.

- Yeah, I'm a bald eagle.

Did you know I could fart

The Star-Spangled Banne?

- Really? OK...

- Junior, no!

- Who are you?

- Who the hell are you?

Trixie!

I can't leave you alone for 10 minutes.

Why did you do this?

But, Mom...

Those kids wouldn't let me

be part of the puppet show.

That's no excuse for...

Come on, we are going right now!

Great show, huh, Dad?

I was saving you a seat.

Annie...

Annie!

Nurse!

Hang on! Wait!

Look, Annie, will you wait?!

- I understand what you're going through.

- You couldn't possibly.

- I do, believe me. We could help each other.

- Just forget it.

Trixie consumes my entire life.

I don't have room for anything else.

Boy, that girl sure showed them.

Who would have thought that sweet nurse

would have such a crazy daughter?

What a mess. I have to get Junior a mother.

Annie would be perfect, she's smart

and sweet and pretty and loving.

It would be great to have

a nurse on call 24 hours a day.

On the other hand,

LaWanda will go out with me.

Oh, God, please let him marry that rich broad.

'Cause I really need the money.

I gotta get out of this house.

My son's a loser, my dog has vanished.

And that punk Junior's the devil come to life.

Nippy! You've come back!

And I thought you abandoned me.

I should have known better.

You'll always stand by my side, won't you?

You're my one true friend.

Nippy...?

Nippy, what the hell happened to you?

I'm losing my mind.

Junior's getting worse. We can't even

figure out what he did to that dog.

Benjamin, I'm gonna be blunt.

- Your child is in a state of emergency.

- I'm doing my best.

Benjamin, it is not your fault.

You're a fine man.

But one lone individual just cannot do this job.

Your child needs two parental figures.

- LaWanda...

- Yes?

I'd like to ask you a question.

- Junior...

- Hey, Dad, what's up?

I've got some family news for you.

- Is Big Ben moving out?

- No, I'm not talking...

Listen to me, this is important. I...

I've made a decision.

I'm going to marry LaWanda.

- But, Dad, she hates me!

- She doesn't hate... That's ridiculous.

She wants what's best for you.

She wants to make us a home.

But she's gonna destroy everything.

Three men living together in a house

is a mess. It's unnatural.

Plus, I feel she's a woman

of strong moral fibre.

She'll be a good influence over us,

especially you.

You're making a big mistake.

I am a grown-up

and I will do anything I wanna do.

And on Saturday

I'm going to marry LaWanda.

Benjamin, we got a jillion things to do.

Caterers, invitations and a one o'clock

appointment for a blood test.

I'll be right there.

Tell your grandpa I'll be back

in a couple of hours and then we'll talk.

We're from the animal control unit.

There's a local rabies scare.

- We're looking for any strange animals.

- Nippy's been acting a little funny lately.

- You better let us see him.

- OK.

- Not now.

- Come on.

- Here you go.

- What the hell happened here?

It sure ain't rabies.

Nippy's lost his spunk.

Can you do anything for him?

Maybe.

- What kind of diet's he been on?

- We just feed him table scraps.

Think we've found the problem.

Why don't you come with us?

A time like this,

there's only one thing you can count on.

- Chow Down.

- Chow Down?

That's right, sonny. Chow Down.

Now in three delicious flavours.

Beef, chicken and horse.

Rich, meaty flavour,

all simmered in a delicious home-style gravy.

Mmm...

What dog could resist?

Come and get it!

Wow! Look at him chow down.

You bet, and wait till you see

how shiny his coat gets.

Glad we could be of assistance.

Come on, pal. Let's get back to work.

What's in that little black box?

You don't wanna mess with that.

That's blood tests from a rabid dog.

Blood tests, huh?

Healy, Benjamin.

Looks fine to me.

And who's next? Dumore, LaWanda.

Again.

OK...

Wow!

Operator, give me the County Health

Department. This is an emergency.

- It's darling, LaWanda!

- My goodness!

Y'all are the best friends

a girl could ever have.

LaWanda, you're always

the most beautiful bride.

Excuse me, ma'am. Is Ms Dumore here?

Oh, my Lord! Somebody hired strippers.

You want me?

- Come and get me.

- She's already foaming at the mouth.

Better move fast.

- Here we go.

- You brutes are playing rough!

- What are you doing?

- We're from the County Board of Health.

- You have rabies.

- What?!

You cannot do this to me!

I am rich. I am powerful.

I do not have rabies!

LaWanda, how are you feeling?

How am I feeling?

How am I feeling? I'm tied to a bed!

Maybe this picture will cheer you up.

Maybe this is a little too much excitement

for LaWanda. Why don't we clear the room...

OK. Bye, LaWanda. Come on, Dad. Let's go.

No, sonny. Your dad means we should go.

All of us.

Give the lovebirds a chance to be alone.

This might cheer you up.

I'll put this over here.

I talked to Father Flanagan, and he said

there's no need to rush into these things.

We can push back the ceremony.

Benjamin, I do not like being patronised.

I don't care if we have to

roll this gurney down the aisle.

Tomorrow, we are getting married.

Big Ben's Sporting Goods

is embarking on a major expansion.

We're about to come into

a huge cash infusion.

I swear, you're important to me.

I've made my decision. When I die,

I want people to remember me.

And after tonight's plastic surgery,

I'm gonna be someone,

because I'm gonna have

the biggest nose in the world.

This place is awfully loud.

You sure you wanna eat here?

Of course. Pizza's my favourite food.

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