Problem Child 3: Junior in Love

Hi. This is me. Junior Healy.

This is me and my dad, Ben Healy.

He's the best. I love him and he loves me.

This is my grandpa, Big Ben Healy.

He's old, wrinkly and mean.

Believe it or not,

some people think I'm a little devil.

But I'm not. I'm an angel.

An avenging angel.

In general, I like people.

I just got no patience for losers,

whiners, criers and biters.

This is Mortville Elementary School

where I'm currently serving

a five-year sentence.

And this fine specimen

is my teacher, Miss Hicks.

I hate Miss Hicks, and for some reason

she's not too fond of me either.

But don't worry,

she's about to take an early retirement.

Michelle. " Geo-Thermal

Energy Is My Friend". A-plus.

Steve, " Frog to Fish

Liver Transplant". A-plus-plus.

Murph.

Potato art? Well, at least this year you tried.

D... plus.

- Oh, yeah!

- Calm down, Murph.

And finally,

last and certainly least, Junior Healy.

Yes, Miss Hicks.

Don't "Yes, Miss Hicks" me,

you vile little hellion.

In all my 43 years of teaching,

I've never encountered a more sinister

presence in the classroom than you.

Well, it ain't been no picnic for me either.

Well, it seems that once again

you haven't completed your assignment.

Big surprise. Class...

...take a good long look at this lazy slacker

who's about to get an F.

Oh...!

- Busted.

- Do you know what "F" stands for?

It stands for "flunk", it stands for "failure".

- It also stands for "fat farm".

- What are you saying?

I'm saying join the circus,

you'd make a fortune.

And besides, lady, I did do a science project.

- It's all about sound waves.

- Oh, right.

- And when do I get it?

- Oh, it's coming. Any second now.

Whey...!

Whoa!

Junior, I can't get this off!

I can't see! Junior...!

Going down?

Naturally, that overgrown rat Murph squealed

on me and the Principal called my dad.

But as the poet said,

if you're gonna do the crime,

you're gonna do the time.

What's the big deal? I never touched her.

- Accidents happen.

- Well, there's been a lot of accidents lately.

It's that time of year.

- You're mad at me, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.

So you don't like me anymore?

Junior, you know that no matter

what you do, I love you very much.

And I would do anything in the world for you.

But I just can't handle everything.

So I've decided that we need

someone special to talk to.

A shrink?! Turn it around, pal!

- And what does this remind you of, Junior?

- An ink blot.

Well... And this?

Another ink blot.

OK. And this?

A basket of warm, fuzzy, new-born kittens.

- Really?

- Really?

No, it's just another crummy ink blot!

How many times do I have to tell you, lady?

Thank you, Junior. Would you mind

stepping outside for a moment?

I need to speak to your father.

It's all right, Junior. It won't be long.

And, Junior, don't get into trouble.

- Dad!

- OK.

So what do you think?

Is there anything wrong with Junior?

- Absolutely nothing.

- Nothing?

He is perfectly normal.

And just as sweet as a cinnamon bun.

That's right.

And you are doing a wonderful job, Mr Healy.

I just think that Junior's biggest obstacle

is that he feels like an outsider.

He needs to feel like an insider.

Get him involved in some activities

with his peers.

Peers? What are peers?

I don't know if that would be such a great idea.

You see, Junior's a little bit... high-spirited.

Exactly. And that's why

we need to channel

that energy into positive activities.

- Sports.

- Sports?

- Scouting.

- Scouting?

- Or cotillion?

- Cotillion!

- As in dancing with girls cotillion?

- Exactly.

Why don't you just kill me?

I ain't going. No way!

Let me go!

Believe me, Junior. One of these days,

you're gonna thank me for this.

Nice, huh?

Junior!

Stop! I'm not gonna go!

Don't!

Hold it!

I've told you once, I'll tell you a million times.

I ain't dancing with no skirts.

And that's final.

Fine. Fine. You win.

Even though you need to be with other kids

and feel more comfortable with yourself,

I can't force you, Junior.

I mean, you're getting older now.

It's time you started

to make your own decisions.

After all, what I think is right

might not necessarily be right for you.

Son, you're free to do what you want.

- Really?

- No!

Put this on. You're going dancing.

No! Child abuse!

Stop! No, help, child abuse!

Somebody do something!

That's better.

Wow, look at this place.

This is great.

This is hell.

Hello.

Junior.

- I couldn't help it.

- Junior, this is Lila Duvane.

This is your teacher.

She's a world-famous foxtrotter.

Since when? The Civil War?

Welcome to

the Lila Duvane Academy of Dance.

What a darling little boy.

You can drag me in here

but you cannot make me dance.

No way, no how, no...

Wow.

What a dame.

She's the most beautiful girl in the world.

And I don't even want to torment her.

Junior.

Junior, are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, great, Dad.

Now, can you cheese off?

You're cramping my style.

I take a few adult pupils

for private lessons.

Want some punch?

Absolutely not.

- Murph, who's that girl?

- Tiffany.

She just moved here. Why?

- Do you like her?

- Me and a broad?

Get serious. She just seems,

I don't know, lonely.

Yeah, right. Stand in line.

See? That's that scout guy, Duke. He's got

so many badges I can't even count 'em.

And there's the captain

of the hockey team, Blade.

And there's that actor guy, Corky McCullum.

He's so famous he's got his own cereal box.

Big deal. What have they got that I ain't got?

A prayer. Look, you're out of your league.

Why don't you talk to my sister Bertha?

She thinks you're hot.

Who let her out of Jurassic Park?

- Did you just insult my sister?

- No. I insulted T-Rex.

- Where are you going?

- To meet Tiffany.

You? You don't stand a snowball's chance

in a microwave.

Sure I do. All I got to do is talk to her.

What's going on? My heart's pounding.

My palms are sweating. And I'm thinking

thoughts I never thought before.

Junior and Tiffany. Tiffany and Junior.

Sure, it sounds crazy,

but somehow it all makes sense.

Here goes nothing.

Stand back, boys,

and watch a master at work.

- Hi.

- Say hello.

- I'm Tiffany.

- Tell her your name.

Talk to her. Say anything.

I saw a dead cat yesterday.

- Get lost, Healy.

- Yeah, beat it, troll.

Nice tie.

Children. Children.

Listen up, children.

Now, everyone choose a partner.

And choose wisely.

Because just around the corner

is our annual costume ball.

Where two lucky children will be chosen

King and Queen!

- Tiffany, may I have this dance?

- My pleasure.

- Hello.

- Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Hey, what's the big idea?

Put me down right now.

Tiffany!

Duke. He thinks he's so cool.

I know just how to heat him up.

And Blade, he's flying a little too high.

Somebody's gonna have to shoot him down.

Ready, aim, firel

And Corky McCullum,

he's got a pretty big head.

Maybe I should take a little off the top.

They will pay. Oh, yes, they will pay.

I am Mr Burtis,

and unlike some of the teachers you've had...

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