Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #2

...I've got rules, lots and lots of rules.

Rules that will be followed at all times.

Rules that cannot and will not be broken.

You.

Little boy, what are you gawking at?

The bell.

Why?

You'll see.

Uh-oh.

Thanks, I learned a lot!

Bye-bye, Billy. And, remember,

brush three times a day

or this deadly fungus will grow in your mouth,

cover up your entire head

and make your skull cave in.

Next up, Junior Healy.

Oh, no, you don't!

- No, no, let me out!

- Gotcha!

That's got to hurt.

- Is it a cavity?

- Is it a cavity?

Is it a cavity? Mister,

your son's mouth is a disaster area.

What have you been eating,

kid, hand grenades?

Speak up, cotton-mouth, I can't hear you.

A little dentist humour.

Nurse Kiki, the X-ray.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Ben... Can I call you Ben?

Well, I just did so I guess it's a little late.

Ben, did anyone ever tell you

you have excellent teeth?

How would you like some free dental floss?

Here, keep that for yourself.

Isn't it heinous?

Your child has a rare condition

known as Appaloosa gingivitis nervosa.

Now, what this means

in simple layman's terms

is that his incisors are in

a life-and-death struggle with his bicuspids.

And his canines are horrified,

paralysed with fear,

staring incredulously at his molars.

- I don't even want to talk about his molars.

- That's a horse's mouth, you quack!

Nurse Kiki, more cotton!

- Bad boy!

- He's obviously delirious from the pain.

You poor boy.

What you must be going through.

The guilt. The shame.

Luckily, there's a cure.

A nose job?

Oh, I'm sorry. I moonlight a little on the side.

Your kid needs braces.

- Braces? Oh, no, you don't!

- Cotton!

Look, kid, braces aren't so bad.

All you need them for is a year, two years.

All right, ten, twenty years, the most.

Everybody's had 'em. I mean, look.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger,

the entire cast of Melrose Place.

Heather Locklear,

she used to have teeth out to here.

She was a walking can opener.

She could eat apples through a picket fence.

Now look at her.

She's got a smile almost as sexy as mine.

How soon does he need 'em?

How soon can you pay?

I don't know.

I don't mean to sound cheap,

but how much are they?

Braces, a one-way ticket to Geekville.

But as bad as it looked for me, my dad

had to do something even more humiliating.

Ask his old man for a loan.

It's open.

- What are you doing here?

- I just came by to say hi.

- Hi.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- Boxing's a great way to stay in shape.

- Yeah, but with Conchita?

Your best fighters are Latinos.

You got Chavez, Duran...

- Come on, you flabby old goat, give it to me.

- That's the way I like 'em. Feisty.

- Where's the little demon?

- He's at school.

And, Dad, he's not a demon. Junior loves you.

Yeah. He'd love to see me pushing up daisies.

Be a man. Be a man.

Speaking of Junior,

we had a little bit of a crisis today.

What happened?

Somebody finally drain the lake?

We went to the dentist

and found out he needs braces.

No, no. That's a complete waste of dough.

Have 'em yank all his teeth out.

Braces are expensive, and I was wondering

if maybe I could borrow some money.

- How much?

- $5,000.

Sure. No problem.

- Come on.

- Really?

Yeah. All you got to do is knock me out.

- What?

- You heard me. Give him the gloves.

Dad, I don't want to fight you.

- What's the matter? Afraid you'll lose?

- No.

Take a sock at me. You know you want to.

- No, I don't.

- Sure you do.

- Do it.

- But you won't. I'll tell you why.

Because you're a failure, you got no guts.

That's why your wife dumped you.

That's why you can't get a girlfriend.

That's why other people push you around.

That's why you got that rotten kid.

A rotten kid with rotten teeth.

- He is not rotten. You take that back.

- Make me.

Remember, right, block, jab. Right, block, jab.

He has no left. Go for the gut.

All right. 5,000 smackers, right here.

- Will you take back all you said about Junior?

- No way, loser.

And that's all you are.

A tiny little cry-baby loser.

You hit your own father, huh?

Dad, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what got into me.

- That's all right, Little Ben.

- No hard feelings?

No, none whatsoever.

Ay, carambal

There she is. And she's alone.

Ah, Tiffany, little do you know

the happiness that awaits you.

Do you, Junior, being of sound mind

and incredible intelligence, grace and charm,

take Tiffany to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold, and make every day

as wonderful as the last day of school?

And how!

And do you, Tiffany,

promise to devote your entire life to Junior?

Will you agree

to a reasonable pre-nuptial agreement,

to never gain too much weight,

bug him about staying up late to watch T,

brushing his teeth,

or changing his underwear

for the rest of your natural days?

Anything.

Ever since the first day I laid eyes on you,

I knew I had to be yours and yours alone.

And so it shall be, mi amor.

Then, by the power vested in me

by the Dream Sequence Board of Review,

I pronounce this striking young couple

man and wife.

- You may kiss the bride.

- At last!

This time, don't be nervous.

Grab the bull by the horns.

Profess your undying love to her.

- Hi.

- Spit it out, you dope.

Last summer, my big toenail

turned black and fell off.

- Hey, Healy.

- Hey, Dork.

It's Duke, not Dork. Duke!

Duke.

Come on, pal. I'd thrash you right now,

but Tiffany's here.

Prairie Dog Scouts don't fight in front of ladies.

You wouldn't know that

because you're not a Scout.

A geek like you wouldn't last a second.

Come on, Tiff.

See that badge. It's for canoe racing.

- Me and my dad just set the new record.

- Really? Wow!

This guy Duke is a tough nut,

but I know just how to crack it.

Come on, Dad, only one more mile.

Floor it.

Boy, I haven't seen you so excited

about anything that wasn't flammable.

Are you kidding, Dad?

Prairie Dogs are the best.

Did you know that 31% of all good deeds

are performed by Prairie Dog Scouts?

Is that so?

And look here. Famous Prairie Dog Scouts

have included President Herbert Hoover,

General George Patton

and rock musician Frank Zappa.

Wow. You're really gung-ho

about this Prairie Dog stuff.

Who wouldn't be? Where else could you learn

how to feed, clothe and house a family of four

using only an eight-foot birch tree?

I'm thrilled to see

you're so excited about something.

You wouldn't have any particular reason

for joining Scouts, would you?

- What do you mean?

- Reasons, like...

Well, remember when you joined

that archery class?

Dad, all I'm doing is going out in the woods

and playing with other kids

under adult supervision.

- Would you rather I joined a gang?

- No, scouting is just fine.

- Hey, Dad, they got archery here too.

- Oh, boy.

Left, right, left! Left! Left!

And halt!

Prairie Dogs, line up.

- On the double.

- Scoutmaster Flimm.

Hi. We spoke on the phone.

I'm Ben Healy. This is my son Junior.

Welcome aboard, grunt.

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