Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #3

Mister, today you're dropping off a boy.

But believe me,

you're gonna be picking up a man.

Well, that's great.

Scoutmaster Flimm,

I have a little suggestion for you.

Junior doesn't always respond well to authority

so you might want

to take it easy on him for a while.

- Is that so?

- You have no idea.

Well, gosh, Ben, thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

Nice meeting you.

Bye, Dad.

Have a nice day.

Get in line, Healy, now!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Cut it out!

- Watch it!

Attention!

Prairie Dog Healy, I said attention.

That means snap to, on the double!

Understand?

Yeah.

No, no, you don't say yeah.

You say, "Yes, sir, Scoutmaster Flimm!"

Let's hear it.

Yes, sir, Scoutmaster Phlegm!

It's Flimm, not Phlegm.

Flimm!

Sorry.

Prairie Dog Duke,

give me the Prairie Dog motto.

Yes, sir, Scoutmaster Dad. " Prairie Dogs

never cry. Prairie Dogs never say die. "

"Prairie Dogs do not rest.

Prairie Dogs are the best. "

What is this? A kennel?

Kennel?

OK, it's time for today's lesson. Fire-starting.

Healy, you get the firewood. Get going.

Duke, go with him. Make sure he does it right.

Move it, scrub.

- So, Dork...

- It's Duke. The name's Duke.

Whatever. Anyway, do you like Tiffany?

- What do you care, twerp?

- Just asking.

She's all right.

Does she like you?

Of course, why wouldn't she?

'Cause you're an idiotic,

zit-licking, moronic boob.

- What?

- I said there's a stick by your boot.

- You don't like Tiffany, do you?

- Me? A dame? Get real.

Good. 'Cause she'd never go out

with a twerp like you in a million years.

You and Tiffany!

Ow!

- Where are you going?

- Nature's calling. Be right back.

Perfect.

Be prepared.

Hey, where's Healy?

- He's taking a leak.

- What a wimp.

Real men hold it in.

What's that sound?

Sounds like a chainsaw.

- Back to camp, soldier.

- Sir, yes, sir.

I'll supervise young Master Healy personally.

Healy!

Healy!

Where'd that little pipsqueak? Ooh!

An arrowhead.

- Today's my lucky day.

- Timber!

Oh, Mama!

Prairie Dogs never say die!

OK, so far I was having

a little trouble meeting Tiffany.

But there's nothing that turns

a woman's heart to butter like a good deed.

Here's your notebook, Tiffany.

You must've dropped it.

No need to thank me,

I'm a Prairie Dog Scout, it's my duty!

Loser.

- Blade, hi.

- What's up, Tiff?

- Your hair looks nice today.

- So does yours.

I know.

Of course, you realise, Blade,

that you have just entered your own Vietnam.

A war you cannot win.

Hey, Dad!

I think I've finally found a sport I like.

Are you sure you want to do this?

These guys look pretty advanced.

Especially that one right there.

Blade? He stinks.

I don't know.

Don't worry, Dad.

I can skate rings around these guys.

Hey, fellas, mind if I join you?

- Get out of here.

- No way, loser.

Wait a second, guys.

Sure, Healy, you can play.

Come on, guys, we'll have some fun.

Oh, OK.

- Gee, thanks.

- I like the top.

- Junior, be careful.

- I will.

Don't worry, sir. We'll take good care of him.

- Goodnight, Healy.

- Junior, look out!

Junior, wake up.

- How many fingers do you see?

- Just one, Mr Lincoln.

- Mr Lincoln?

- Yeah. Aren't you Abraham Lincoln?

The man who freed the slaves?

No, Junior, I'm Ben Healy. I'm your father.

Jeez, Dad, get a clue. I was only kidding.

You had me worried. You took quite a hit.

There's a lesson to be learned here.

There once was a man

by the name of Knute Rockne

who started coaching football

at a little school called Notre Dame.

Now, everyone thought his good-for-nothing

team would never amount to anything.

But who had the last laugh?

Knute Rockne, that's who.

See, old Knute, he had something

that no one counted on.

And that was stamina, enthusiasm, drive.

He even put all his players

in silk jerseys, so that...

Cut to the chase, Dad. What's the point?

The point is, Junior, you can't quit.

Quit? Who said anything about quitting?

I ain't no quitter. And that goes for hockey and

Scouts and even that stupid dancing stuff.

I'll be there till no one else is left standing.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Puke! What is this, a Greek freighter?

What's he doing here?

Dad gave me the nightshift to help pay

for your braces. He's gonna be babysitting.

- Why? What's in it for him?

- Oh, nothing.

Do I have to have a reason to spend a little

quality time with my only grandson, huh?

He's a rascal, isn't he, eh?

Overseas operator?

I want to make a person-to-person call

to the Philippines.

- Manila.

- Quality time, my butt!

Ah, now, shut up up there.

Leilani? Hello.

Yeah, I saw your picture.

Boy, you sure are a good-looker.

Ben!

- Sarah! Hi.

- Hi.

- I didn't know you worked here.

- Work here? I own the place.

Well, actually, my father does.

So, can I help you?

Actually, yes.

- I'm thinking of buying an exercise machine.

- Good for you.

It's good to be healthy. Not that you're not.

I mean, you're very firm and supple.

Healthy. Firm and healthy.

Anyway... do you know what you're looking for?

Well, I'm having a little trouble deciding.

But I think a treadmill.

Good choice. Ery aerobic.

- Try one out.

- Oh, can I?

Absolutely. Let's just turn it on.

- OK.

- And...

So how's Junior?

Well, actually, great.

I've been meaning to thank you.

Ever since we came and saw you,

his whole attitude has changed.

We're doing the activities that you suggested,

and he loves them.

He can't wait to go back to cotillion.

And he jumped at the chance to join Scouts.

And he's even playing... roller hockey.

- That's great.

- So... have you decided?

Gee...

...I think I'll wait.

Do you have any of those

little deodorant balls for shoes?

OK, Helga. Now, you be sure and say hello

to everybody in Dsseldorf for me.

Yeah. Yeah, auf Wiedersehen

to you too, baby.

Oh, boy.

- Where's the good hooch?

- I don't know.

Yes, you do. Now, don't you lie to me, boy,

or I'll tell your daddy

what happened to old lady Figler.

I'm telling you, I don't know.

- The closet, eh?

- No.

Out of the way, punk.

Nectar of the gods!

Hey, hey! Come on, let me out!

Let me out! Let me out!

So long, chump.

What are you doing out there, you little devil?

Let me out of here.

- I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

- Not at all.

I don't work on commission, anyway.

Well, here you are.

Your shoes are gonna smell great.

Not that they don't already.

- I'm sure they smell fine.

- Thanks. And thanks again for all your help.

Sarah.

I wonder, if it's not a breach

in professional ethics,

do you think sometime

you might want to go out to dinner?

Gee, Ben, that's really sweet of you to ask,

but I just broke up with this guy

and it's a little soon for me to be dating again,

you know?

- Unfortunately, I do.

- Thanks for asking.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Phlegm.

- Flimm.

- That's my woman.

- Sarah? But...

You leave her alone, you hear me?

Now, hold on.

If you'd like to discuss this like an adult...

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