Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #4

She needs me and me only.

We're in love, I tell you, love.

Keep your mitts off.

Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Hey, Dad, how was work?

A little rough.

- Where's Big Ben?

- I think he went home.

Come on, Junior, I'll tuck you into bed.

Let me out.

Let me out!

Oh, my God.

Oh, that little devil.

How the hell do I get out of here?

No!

- Comfy?

- Junior, are you?

Mr Healy, this is the best decision

you've ever made.

A clean mouth is a happy mouth,

and no one likes rotten teeth.

Unless, of course, the British.

I hate the British.

They have teeth like wolverines.

They're heinous.

Finally. Let's get started.

Nurse Kiki, the gas.

Where the hell is that...

No, I don't...

Look at the funny Mr Clowny.

Clowns! I hate clowns!

And I'm sure they hate you, too, kid.

Nuke him.

Listen up, children.

I have a very special announcement.

I've just been asked to direct

the Mortville Elementary School play.

We will be doing

an original version of Peter Pan.

Starring our very own Corky McCullum.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Try-outs on Monday at 3 p. m.

And remember, there are no small parts.

Just...

We will return after these messages.

- Corky, great job todayl

- Thanks.

Hi, I'm Corky McCullum.

Actor, dancer, and the highest-paid child star

in history. But I'm still a normal kid.

And that's why I start out every day with a big

hearty bowl of delicious Krazy Krunch cereal.

And why is it so delicious?

'Cause it has twice the sugar

of the other leading brands combined.

So, get the treat that's sweet to eat.

Krazy Krunch. Mm, eat some today.

Eat my shorts.

Time's up. You ready for bed?

- Yeah.

- OK.

- Where's your headgear?

- Gee, I don't know.

- It's around here somewhere.

- Well, let's find it.

- Dad, Dad, can I ask you something?

- Sure.

Well, lately I've kind of

been thinking about girls.

- Really?

- And something sort of confuses me.

Say no more.

I knew this day would come

and I'm ready for it.

Mother Nature. Well, she's quite a lady.

She makes acorns grow into giant oaks.

She makes the seasons change.

And she turns tadpoles into frogs.

And she does other things too.

Now, it's nothing to be nervous

or embarrassed about.

You see, it's all very natural.

It's a beautiful thing.

What's beautiful?

Junior, do you remember

when we were at the zoo

and I told you that

the giraffes were playing piggyback?

Dad, I've been through Grandpa's

bottom drawer. I know all about that stuff.

You do?

- Well, what do you want to know?

- Why are all dames nuts?

Why are all dames nuts?

That's a good question, Junior.

That's a very good question.

Why are all dames nuts?

Well...

I... have no idea. But they always seem

to gravitate to the wrong guy.

Don't I know it.

But, hey, if you ever have

a problem with a girl,

or you just want someone to talk to,

you come and see me, OK?

And I'll try my very best

not to become a blathering idiot.

- I love you, son.

- I love you, too, Dad. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Free! Oh, thank God, I'm free.

Thank you, Natasia, trs bien.

OK, I guess that about wraps it up.

Hey, wait, I haven't gone yet.

You want to audition?

Yeah. I've prepared a poem.

How sad.

OK. Let's hear it.

- There once was a lady from France...

- Stop!

...who did an unusual dance.

- She'd roll on the grass and tickle her...

- That's enough. Get off my stage.

Auditions are over.

The role of Peter Pan, of course,

will be going to Corky.

And Wendy will be played by Tiffany.

I don't believe it.

The rest of you will play

Peter and Wendy's friends.

Except for Junior Healy, who will play a weed.

That's if the glare from his tinsel teeth

doesn't distract the audience.

Sure, laugh now, Corky,

'cause I'm about to bring down

the curtain on your love life.

Tiffany, darling, so glad you could make it.

Wow, do you really live here?

Well, on the weekends.

Rupert, don't just stand there

like the English fop that you are,

get the lady some lemonade.

As you wish, sir.

Good help is so hard to find.

- Come, let me show you the grounds.

- OK.

I thought since we'd be working together

we should take the time to rehearse,

really get under the skin of Peter and Wendy

and, in the process,

learn more about each other.

Oh.

I want to play the pain in Peter.

True, he's a boy, but he's a lost boy.

And aren't we all?

At the same time, you can't overlook Hook,

the omniscient patriarchal symbol.

- You mean the guy with one arm?

- Yes, dear.

I want to bring the same truth to this role

that I brought to Guppy the newsboy

in Hey, Hey, It's Guppyl

- I loved that show.

- Who didn't?

I thought that's when my life really began.

- Until I met you.

- You're so sweet.

That's why audiences love me.

And you will too.

Your steed, Master Corky.

Ah.

Watch me

while I make this beast earn his keep.

- Then we'll have brunch by my private lake.

- That sounds swell, Corky.

Ahem.

My most abject apology.

Tally-ho!

Tally-ho, sir. Ery good.

Excellent, sir.

Excellent.

Stimulating.

Oh, Olympic quality, sir.

Wow, Corky, I never knew

you were such a good horseback rider.

My love affair with the equine began

with the extensive training I underwent

for the critically acclaimed Guppy Goes West.

It's an expensive habit, but then again

most of the things really worth doing are.

Rupert, raise the fences.

Your slightest whim is my command, sir.

Watch and marvel.

Hi-ho, Silver!

Bull's -eye.

Rupert, I'm wet.

Well, well, well, welcome.

And what are we doing today?

Let's see. Uh-oh, spleen removal.

That's Mrs Galecki,

that's my two o'clock appointment.

Oh, sorry. Junior Healy.

You're here to have your braces tightened.

Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit.

Unless, of course, the gas wears off.

In that case, it's a doozy.

I've seen big burly Marines

break down and cry like little babies.

Some of them even fainted.

Look, how many times

do I have to tell you? Enunciate.

Doc, your bookie's on the phone.

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Don't go anywhere.

Like you could.

Oh, boy, my ship has come in.

Okey-doke, let's get back to work.

You and I are gonna be good friends.

I'm gonna be dancing at your wedding.

And you'll still be wearing braces.

I... I feel...

I feel light-headed.

Oh, oh, look!

The gas.

Nurse Kiki, remove my trousers.

- Done so soon?

- Yeah. Couldn't have gone better.

OK.

Damn you, Junior Healy!

Look at me, Ben Healy,

I've been doing this for 70 years.

That's it, girls, get those legs up and down.

Shake those tushies all around.

Come on, girls.

- Hey.

- Sarah.

Hi, Ben.

Am I glad to see you.

I wanted to get some more of those

deodorant balls. They're great.

Sure. No problem.

Is something wrong?

No, well, it's just that

last time you were here,

I had a bit of a run-in with your old boyfriend,

Scoutmaster Flimm.

Eugene? Oh, did he hit you?

No, he just picked me up and shook me.

Oh, Ben, I am so sorry.

Eugene has a problem with jealousy.

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes