Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #5

It comes from poor self-esteem.

In kindergarten, another child

had a deluxe box of crayons,

while he only had burnt umber.

He's been obsessing about it ever since.

I think it's time he got over it.

It's been a few years.

I know.

We tried and tried

until, finally, his insurance ran out.

I just don't see the two of you together.

We had a stormy relationship.

I broke it off. And ever since then,

he's sort of been stalking me.

But this time he has gone too far. I'm gonna

call him up and give him a piece of my...

Forget it. I'm fine. I mean, I can handle it.

- You're a very brave man.

- Well, not really.

But I am carrying pepper spray.

Oh, Ben, I've been thinking,

if you still want to get together sometime,

we could have coffee.

I'd love to hear how Junior's doing

and, well, it would be fun being with you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Great. Well, Junior's in a school play

a week from Friday.

- Would you like to go with me to that?

- Sure.

Great!

Oh, gosh, I'm late for an appointment.

Whoops.

I better get going.

Do you want me to get you

those deodorant balls?

Oh, no, actually, I just came by to see you.

Goodbye.

Yes.

Ben Healy, you got the stuff.

Why, Ben, what a surprise.

- I'm warning you.

- No...

...I'm warning you. Leave her alone!

Nice move, spaz.

Yeah!

Hey, Blade, we're playing Healy's team today.

Awesome. Where is the little doofus?

All right, face off.

Hi, guys. I'm back.

Yeah. Come on, man. You get him, come on.

- Good luck, Junior.

- Go, red, go!

- Dad, Junior's on the blue team.

- I know.

Kill 'em, red, kill 'em.

Hope your dad has a good health plan.

Hope your dad knows a good bone specialist.

- I can't look.

- You sissy.

I'm gonna crush you, you little sucker.

Not so fast.

Hey, hold it!

Junior!

This is a better game than I thought.

Help! Help!

Junior, don't test me.

- You're out of here, son.

- Who died and made you king?

Blade.

Time out. Time out.

My mask is stuck.

It won't come off.

Mommy!

Yeah!

You're next, showboy.

- We're not gonna start this again, are we?

- How do you expect me to react?

Am I supposed to be proud?

Two minutes into your first roller hockey game

and you've been banned for life.

You always tell me to give it my all.

I'm starting to see a pattern emerging

and I'm not happy about it.

Hey, Dad, hockey's a dangerous sport.

I'm not talking about hockey.

I'm talking about the way you treat people.

I didn't do nothing to Blade and those guys

that they wouldn't have done to me.

Except they wouldn't have done it

with as much style.

Junior, we are a society of rules, OK?

What if everyone went around

doing whatever they wanted,

without any concern

for what their actions would result in?

Yeah, Dad, I know.

The judge gave me that whole speech

when he issued that restraining order.

How do you think I feel when people see us

and they cross to the other side of the street?

- Powerful?

- No. Humiliated.

From now on, things are gonna be different.

We're gonna have a code of conduct,

and this time you're gonna abide by it.

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting out.

- You can't just leap out of a moving car.

- It's better than listening to this lecture.

I wish that my dad was as hard on me

as I am on you.

At least it would've shown me

that he cared about me.

Junior, your grandpa and I don't have

the greatest relationship in the world.

Duh!

When I was growing up, anything seemed

like it was more important to him than me.

And I vowed when I had a son of my own

I was gonna be the best father that I could be.

I don't always hit my mark, but I sure try

because I want you to be a better man.

Well, do you have to try so hard

on the yelling part?

I'm sorry, but when I see you

moving in the wrong direction,

I'm gonna do whatever it takes

to get you back on track.

You're right, Dad.

- Let's go get something to eat at Pizzariffic.

- All right!

Ben, is that seat taken?

Oh, no, it's yours.

I mean, I saved it for you.

I hope you don't mind meeting me here.

I thought it would be safer.

- It's OK.

- Scoutmaster Flimm didn't follow you, did he?

Oh, Ben, don't be ridiculous.

I switched cars.

- Well, I don't need these, then, do I?

- No.

That's better. Oh, thank you.

Do you think they'd mind if I took a snapshot?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mortville Elementary School,

in conjunction with the Duvane Dance

Academy and Krazy Krunch Cereal,

proudly present Peter Panl

Good day, forest creatures,

what news do you bring?

There's a new boy in town, and he likes to fly.

Soon he'll come down...

from the clouds up high.

But who is this magical boy?

He's a conceited little dweeb

whose parents are robbing him blind.

Shut up!

- Continue.

- Look, here he comes now.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, Wendy, it's good to meet you

Oh, babe, 'cause I'm your biggest fan

And now it's time to greet you

My first name's Peter

His first name's Peter

The last name's Pan

Peter Pan

Peter Pan, Peter Pan...

Pan...

- I wonder where Junior's going.

- Maybe he has a costume change.

Hurry, someone barfed in the girls' bathroom.

Barfed? Hold this, I'm on the way.

Peter Pan, Peter Pan

Break a leg, Corky.

Help! Help!

Junior Healy.

Corky! Corky!

What the hell do you think you're doing,

you little weed? Let go of that now.

- I said now.

- OK, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Now, that's entertainment!

Are you sure you had

nothing to do with all that?

Who? Me?

Well, I thought you did a terrific job.

You were the best weed I ever saw.

- Thanks, lady.

- Junior, you don't have to call her lady.

- Her name is Sarah.

- And your name is mud.

- Eugene...!

- I told you to leave her alone.

Sarah belongs to me.

Yeah, and you stay away from Tiffany.

She's my girl.

Eugene, you keep forgetting. We broke up.

You'll take me back.

You need me. You love me.

I told you not...

Now, let's settle this once and for all.

Duke and I are challenging you

and Junior to a test of manhood.

A relay race at tomorrow's

Prairie Dog Scoutarama.

- The winners get the women.

- Now, see here.

- I am not some prize to be won.

- Are you two man enough?

I need time to train for something like that.

I knew it.

- You got no guts.

- He does too.

He's not afraid of anything.

He's the greatest dad in the world.

Thanks, Junior.

And you're the greatest son in the world.

We'll take on you and your lousy race

and we'll beat your butts.

- You're on.

- You're on.

Can you blow that a little louder?

I still can hear out of this ear.

Quiet!

Well, I hope you're ready

to look fear dead in the face

and find out what kind of man you really are.

First, there's the gunny sack race.

Then the Prairie Dog obstacle course.

And finally, if you make it that far,

the canoe race.

May the better man win.

You dated this guy?

- Good luck, Duke.

- This'll be a cinch.

- Good luck, Junior.

- She talked to me. She knows my name.

Quick, think of some snappy repartee.

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