Problem Child 3: Junior in Love Page #6

Once, when I sneezed,

a piece of corn came out of my nose.

- Bad choice.

- Ben.

You don't have to do this.

I want to. Don't you see?

Sarah, I know it sounds corny,

but there comes a time in every guy's life

when he's got to prove that he's a man.

By running a sack race?

On your marks, get set, go!

Jump, jump, jump.

Come on, come on, come on.

Jump, jump, jump.

- Sir, permission to speak, sir.

- Granted.

- There's something stinky in this sack.

- It's just mud.

It doesn't smell like mud. It smells like...

- Did you do something to their sack?

- No, but a cow did.

Junior...

- Bleagh!

- Oh, yuk!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Come on, Dad, let's get on them.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Shut up, you little cry-baby!

No pain, no ga... Argh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hurry, Dad, come on!

No, don't stop. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Sir, it hurts!

Come on, hurry!

Don't give up on me.

Come on, Dad.

- They're coming.

- Follow me.

Come on, hurry, Dad!

Let's go. Over it.

Come on! You can do it! Up and over!

Come on, Ben, you can do it!

Hand over hand over hand!

He's stopping. Why is he stopping?

Come on!

Loser!

- Come on, Dad, you can do it.

- I can't. I'm slipping.

Yes, you can.

You got no guts.

You got no guts.

You've got no guts.

Yes, I do.

Come on, Dad.

Almost there.

You got it!

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Come on, Dad, they're winning!

Hop in, boy.

OK, shove off, shove off!

I smell victory.

Hurry, hurry, they're winning!

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke! Stroke!

Come on, sissy boy, put some shoulder into it.

- Let's go.

- J stroke it! J stroke!

- Come on, Ben, J stroke!

- Go, Junior!

Come home, Ben, that's right.

- He's catching up.

- Let's go! Attaboy!

You're doing a great job.

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

- Faster! Faster!

- Daddy, I can't. I'm tired.

Whine, whine, whine, just like your mother.

Come on, Dad, we're gaining on 'em.

- We can do it! We can win!

- Stroke! Stroke!

- They're catching up!

- Yeah! Beat that psycho!

- Stroke! Stroke!

- I'm gonna get you.

I don't think so.

We're not moving.

Sir, there's something very wrong here.

Come on, Conchita,

stop skipping rope, will you?

Bring me some damn lunch, I'm starved.

Well, I'll try anything once.

Yeah, Junior, yeah!

- We did it!

- I knew you could, Dad.

Hey, guys.

- What's wrong?

- Get away! Somebody help me!

Say something,

and this time say something right.

- Hi, Tiffany.

- Hi.

You wouldn't dance with me, would you?

Why, Junior Healy, I thought you'd never ask.

Ever since the first day I saw you,

I've always kinda liked you.

- I think you're cute.

- Thanks.

- Do you think I'm cute?

- Of course.

- Am I the cutest girl in the room?

- You're no dog, that's for sure.

Does my hair shine

and bounce more than anyone else's?

- I don't know.

- I'm thirsty. Get me some punch.

Now!

Everybody says I've got

a peaches and cream complexion

and perfect bone structure.

Some day I'm gonna be a fashion model

or maybe I'll just be like Mother

and marry a rich old geezer.

Now, they're probably gonna crown us

King and Queen of the Costume Ball.

That's 'cause you're with me.

There's no way

they would've picked you otherwise.

Act surprised, but not too surprised.

And don't do anything stupid.

And when you wave to the crowd,

keep your hand cupped.

And only wave three times to each side.

And smile, but not too big.

Big smiles wrinkle your face.

Boys and girls.

On behalf of Lila Duvane,

who unfortunately cannot talk tonight

because she recently bit off

part of her tongue...

- Gross!

- Yeah.

I would like to announce the King

and Queen of the Costume Ball.

Tiffany and Junior!

I don't believe it!

Hey, Tiffany, you forgot your dress!

Brute!

Girlfriend! Wait, girlfriend! I'll help you...

This is not my day.

Don't worry, pal. There's other fish in the sea.

- I'm sorry it didn't work out.

- That's all right, Dad.

Look at all the neat stuff I did. I joined Scouts,

I played hockey, I was in a play

and I got to see

that rotten wench's dress rip off.

Yeah.

Anyway, you just remember,

I'm here if you need me.

- Thanks, Dad. You're the greatest.

- So are you, son.

May I have this dance?

This is not my day.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Well, there you have it.

Another happy ending.

I got a new girlfriend.

Dad got Sarah.

And Duke, Corky and Blade

learned that sometimes love hurts.

Well, I guess that wraps things up.

So until next time, this is Junior Healy saying

so long, suckers!

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