Puerto Ricans in Paris

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Honey, I'm so excited for this.

I've been waiting all day.

Thank you for

getting us here safely.

God bless.

Honey, stay close.

No more street meat. We have

dinner in two hours at Benihana.

I do not want you

spoiling your appetite.

- I want a hot dog.

- Gucci. Rolex.

Excellent. Sir, you wouldn't happen

to have any Louis Vuitton, would you?

Where are you guys from?

Waco, Texas.

I love Texas. Dallas Cowboys, right?

America's favorite team.

Yeah. The cowboys are at the

ranch looking for Louis.

All right. I'll see you

in a minute. Bye.

Right this way. Come on.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

And for you, special VIP

entrance, yeah?

Come on.

Yeah. See? Right here.

Rhonda. Ronnie.

Hello. Looking for the Louis

Vuitton handbag, right?

Like this? Go.

Yes. We would love to buy

a bunch of these

as giveaways for our

various church fund-raisers.

Okay.

How much is bunch?

Well, let's see. There's the bingo

tournament and then the bowling league.

-Talent show.

-Talent show.

-The father/daughter picnic.

-Mother/daughter brunch.

The Veteran Days committee.

-The Animal Right Group fund-raiser.

-So, anyway, 20 bags?

Twenty bags?

Very expensive.

But for you,

I'll do a good deal.

200 per bag. Done. Go.

So how late are y'all open?

My friend Marlene says you got to

look around to get the best deal.

Lady, lady, best deal.

First-class bag. Original.

But you go to church.

I... I love Jesus.

175 per bag.

Praise Lord Jesus,

it is a deal!

Sold!

-Can we see the bags?

-The bag, yeah. Go.

You see, computers, you know, they can

get hacked. Locks. They get picked.

But nothing gets past

Black Mamba.

He is a nasty b*tch.

Like Kobe Bryant.

I don't really

follow politics.

Okay.

Let's go to the warehouse.

What about rims?

You guys need rims?

Can I ask you a question? Really, I don't

mean to offend you by this, but listen to me.

-This bag, it's real, right?

-Does it look real to you?

Yeah.

Then there's your answer.

Okay, but, can-can... Excuse me?

Can you hold this a second?

See, I gotta ask you

this though.

Why is it that

the cross-stitching on here

is not consistent with

the LVMH designer code?

No, no, no. You're not trying

to sell us a fake, right?

- Because you know that's a felony, Hassan.

- Right.

And you know

what that means?

Police.

Sh*t.

Bag man is on the move.

Bag man is on the move!

All units, suspect heading north

on Crosby and he's going fast.

Annoyingly fast.

God! God!

I'm gonna sue you!

I need a lawyer!

PUERTO RICANS IN PARIS

The proceeds go to funding

illegal manufacturing of drugs,

human trafficking

and terrorism.

It's no exaggeration when I

say that our work here today

is gonna make our

country safer... tomorrow.

So you're saying

you're a hero.

You said that,

not me.

So, Detective, you've gotta

watch those tackles.

Your ass is too old

to be Superfly Snuka.

You spent less time

blabbing to the cameras,

more time on the treadmill, I

wouldn't have to tackle anyone.

Then you'd literally

be good for nothing.

- Besides, I would've caught the guy eventually.

- When, next week?

I'm the brains of the operation. I

don't run. You're the muscle, you run.

When do I get to be the brains? -I'll

text you when there's an opening.

Great work. What do you

say we go to Finnerty's?

Do a couple shots of Ciroc. Maybe I'll let

you both reggae grind me. What? What?

Yeah?

I got some plans tonight.

Okay.

I'm taking the dental hygienist

to the Bruno Mars concert. MSG.

Yeah, I got front row.

I got front row of the upper deck.

But I got good binoculars.

We ever gonna meet this one? -No!

Because then it becomes a relationship.

Here we go again.

I ain't gonna be like those people

watching X Factor in bed like you.

Instead...

I do this.

No one wants to

see that, man.

No, I did not put cheese

on the broccoli. Sorry, guys.

We shouldn't be

doing dairy anyway.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, papi.

Hi, babe.

How ya doin'?

Have you seen

my Gucci backpack?

Your shorts

are too short.

Why do you gotta make an issue of my

outfits? It makes me uncomfortable.

Your shorts

make me uncomfortable.

They're called shorts,

not longs.

Where you goin'?

Mami said if you said it was

okay I could go to Wandi's house

- to study and watch a movie... Is it okay?

- No.

Not unless

I get a kiss first.

Study.

You're the best, papi.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary,

Mami and papi!

Happy anniversary, mami...

I'm sure your father doesn't

need a reminder, Anthony.

I only mentioned it,

like, five times last week.

Of course not. Because we're going

to MSG tonight to see Bruno Mars.

What?

Surprise?

You seriously got tickets?

Front row-ish.

- My God!

- Happy?

Yes! My goodness.

I can't believe this.

See, mami? Papi isn't a lazy,

worthless piece of garbage.

Anthony, my God!

He's so silly.

You are so gonna

get it tonight.

Can't wait.

Wait, you just let Lexi go.

What about the boys?

Who's gonna watch them?

Your brother.

Perfect.

Hell no!

Come on, man!

I would if I could, but, you

know, Vanessa, she'd be crushed.

She's got a name now? It's our anniversary!

Your sister's gonna be crushed!

That's not my fault.

You gotta start treating her better.

She's gonna leave your ass.

I'll do your reports

for a week!

Listen, Vanessa, she is

obsessed with Bruno Mars.

You and Gloria

don't even know his music.

I am begging you!

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Name two Bruno Mars's songs and

you get the tickets. Go ahead.

- Don't do this to me right now.

- Okay, okay.

I'll give you a clue. Ready?

I knew it.

You forgot.

Just like my birthday. Just like last year!

And everything!

I swear to God!

I can't take this anymore!

You know what? You think

I couldn't hear you?

I hear when you piss.

I hear when you sh*t.

I can hear everything in this goddamn

house! I swear to God, Eddie!

Who was that?

My brother-in-law wanted us

to watch the kids tonight.

- Told him he's out of his mind.

- Yeah.

He wonder why I never want

to get married, you know?

What do you mean,

you never wanna get married?

Maybe never is a stretch, but anything

can happen between now and never, babe.

Knock it off, Luis.

I'm 33 1/2.

My biological clock won't

deal with your bullshit.

You said you were 29.

I lied!

So, what, I'm too old

for you now?

No, no, no.

Like my boy Bruno says,

"I like you

just the way you are."

My pretty

little sweet talker.

You really don't ever

wanna get married?

Can we talk about this

after the show?

No, we can't,

'cause I'm not going.

Come on, Vanessa, wait. What are you

talking about you're not going?

You said from the jump

this was gonna be casual.

That's was eight months ago.

Things change, Luis.

And I'm not gonna sit around here waiting for

some old-ass grandpa with commitment issues.

Wait. I don't have issues, okay?

I have an issue.

You really gotta start buttoning

your shirt all the way up.

You ain't Tom Ford.

I didn't actually

forget what day it was.

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