Pushing Dead Page #4

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Uh, sh, she went to

answer the phone I think.

Dan Schauble is the name.

S-C-H-A-U-B-L-E, Schauble.

- That was easy.

Dan Schauble,

here you are right here.

- Let's just make sure we

didn't leave anything out.

- Oh, I'm sure you didn't.

- (humming)

Lucky number seven, all there.

Uh, make sure you take

this on an empty stomach.

- Uh, uh, if you have

to eat something

a piece of fruit or

uh, anything that has

Fatty foods will block it from

being absorbed into your system.

- Not gonna do it,

not gonna eat anything.

- (laughs)

- There you go.

- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- Sir!

I'm gonna have to run those

numbers through the system.

I'm going to have to

have to take your order

until we get approval.

Thank you.

[DIAL TONE]

[PHONE BEEPING]

- [Automated voice] Please hold

while we access the information.

[MUSIC]

Client ID is not valid.

[WATCH BEEPING]

- Excuse me, uh, do

you guys have a bathroom?

Okay.

It is not a good idea to

bother a dog when it's eating.

[KNOCKING]

[DOOR HANDLE JIGGLES]

Someone is in here.

A similar rule applies

when people with AIDS are

taking their pills.

[KNOCKING]

Someone is in here!

[PHONE TRILLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Medical assistance.

I was supposed to send in

my bank statement,

and I was just wondering if

I could fax that over to you?

- Uh, no sir. I'm sorry.

We must see the original.

- [Dan] Okay, thanks.

- Uh, yeah.

[MUSIC]

- Hey, you want coffee?

- No thanks.

[MUSIC]

[PENCIL TAPPING]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[KNOCKING]

- Bob.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

(sighs) I got a big

charlie horse here, man.

A lack of potassium.

You scared the living

sh*t out of me.

- [Bob] Huh?

This banana should do the trick.

- [Dan] Yeah, because that's

exactly how bananas work.

They're like heroin,

you take one bite and then

all the potassium that you

need shoots directly

into your bloodstream.

- Thanks for the info, doctor.

- Why don't you just

come and stay with us?

- (sighs)

This is better for me, honestly.

And I've been

around a long time.

I can take care of myself.

- (scoffs) Yeah, I can see that.

This is, uh,

this is self-preservation 101.

Standing offer, okay?

My door's always open.

(sighs)

- I never thought I'd end up

in my golden years like this.

- Yeah, well I never thought my

golden years would be my 40s.

- Don't be morbid.

There is a very good chance

that you will outlive me.

- I don't want to hear

about it, okay?

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- You, you, you should be sorry.

This is my time to be

miserable, not yours.

- I can be miserable

just as good as you can.

- Yeah, in your dreams.

- Do you want me to call her?

- Don't you dare.

- Okay. I won't.

- Good.

- (chuckles)

[ELEVATOR BELL

DINGING]

- (sobbing)

[PRESSING BUTTON URGENTLY]

- Okay, is it buzzing right now,

or is it making like

a whistling noise, like a

(blows air/slight whistle)

Okay. Okay, try that.

Call me back later.

Okay, bye.

Hello.

- Me?

- Yeah.

I have a, a 1:
00 appointment

with Dr. Denny.

- All right. Let me see.

You are Daniel--

Daniel? Dan? Okay.

Oh, Dan, it looks like

you've got a $47 past due.

- Can I send you a check?

[MUSIC]

- Hello, Daniel.

- Hi doc, how, how are,

how are you?

- Fine. Uh, any complaints?

- No, sir.

Not of the medical

variety, anyway.

- And, uh, what about that skin?

- Good. Normal.

It's good.

[PAPERS SHUFFLING]

You have a dog, huh?

- No, I don't.

- All right.

- Everything looks okay.

Just keep doing what

you're doing and, uh,

we'll see you in two months.

- Okay, thank you.

[OFFICE PHONE

RINGING]

[MUSIC]

Excuse me.

I saw you.

Okay.

(clears throat)

[MUSIC]

- [Man] Don't f***ing move.

- [Dan] Okay.

- [Mugger] (stuttering) I w- I

will kill you. Come on! Come on!

[METALLIC THUD]

- (grunts)

Ow, f***.

Ow!

Hey, you're supposed

to hit me first

not after I give

you all my money!

You moron!

Ugh.

(sighs)

[MUSIC]

And as I lay there bleeding,

looking at the vast

dark of the night sky,

I'm thinking,

I just don't take enough time

to appreciate nature.

Look at that thing.

It's beautiful.

- So, um...

What do you do?

- I'm a ranger.

- Really?

That's neat! What, what

what does a ranger do?

(laughs)

- Well, it's a lot

of responsibility.

[MUSIC]

But it's very fulfilling.

What I've always wanted to do.

I love nature.

- So, um...

Do y-- hm...

Ah, okay.

(laughs)

Here we go.

Spinach.

I love spinach.

- You know, so do I.

Something we have in common.

- (laughs nervously)

Very well done.

Terrific order.

Mm.

This is really good.

- And good for you.

- And good for you.

(chuckles)

Most importantly.

These, um...

These olives are unusual.

- What olives?

- What kind of sick f***

puts bacon in spinach salad?

- Okay, if we could

just move past

the bacon portion

of the evening,

how, how was the

rest of the date?

- Oh that was it.

He knew I was a strict

vegetarian, I told him,

we talked about

it for five minutes,

but the f***ing ranger

just sat there

and watched me eat

little hog bits.

I mean, aren't rangers supposed

to look out for people?

Isn't that their job?

To, to, to protect people?

I'm through, I really am,

I am so sick of it.

Ugh, I give up.

Why am I always

looking for relationships?

Relationships are crap!

I don't need a man.

I really do. I'd like that.

- Don-- hey, don't.

Leave it alone!

It's gonna get infected.

- So weird. It's like,

it's like numb.

Shouldn't it hurt?

It should sting

or something.

- It's normal.

Don't touch it.

- I feel a migraine coming on.

Do you have any coffee?

- You need to cut back.

- Oh God.

(sniffs)

You see? Caffeine.

Just immediately keeps

my headaches in check.

- It's time

for us to take control.

- Yes.

(slams fist)

- (slams fist)

- What are you talking about?

- Learn how to defend ourselves!

Take control!

- Oh, I don't know.

I, I appreciate a

good challenge.

And having little to no control

is way more challenging,

- I am not going

to be unprepared

if somebody decides to mug me.

I'm gonna learn how

to protect myself.

I'm tired of being scared.

- This is good. I

like this for you.

You should learn

how to protect yourself.

- Meanwhile, I think maybe

I'll go to the zoo.

- (muffled) All right everybody

so here's what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna grab you

and then you hit

you hit, you hit

arms and elbows and everything

that we discussed,

You're first. Don't hold back.

(growling)

- No, no!

No, no,

no, no!

[CLAPPING]

- (growls)

- No!

No, no!

No!

[CLAPPING]

[TROLLEY HORN TOOTS]

[MUSIC]

- Hi there.

[LLAMA CALL]

I give up. You win.

- We have nothing to fear

but fear itself.

- FDR.

That's, that's good.

- Don't be scared.

- I'm not scared.

[LION ROARS]

Are you scared?

- Don't be scared.

(echoing) We all die someday.

[MONKEYS SCREECH]

[MUSIC]

[WATCH BEEPING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?

- [Man] Dan Schauble please?

and I'm calling from the

benefits of life company.

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