Putney Swope

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet

Dr. Alvin Weasely.

Dr. Weasely is one of the most respected

motivational researchers in the country.

Harveys Beer has dropped 84%.

So Dr. Weasely will tell us how the

American public really feels about beer.

Dr. Weasely.

Beer is for men who doubt

their masculinity.

That's why it's so popular

at sporting events and poker games.

On a superficial level...

a glass of beer is a cool,

soothing beverage.

But in reality...

a glass of beer is pee-pee dickey.

- That's it.

- Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

"Pee-pee dickey?"

- We paid for that?

- $28,000, and we got off easy.

The man made some

very perceptive statements.

I got it.

"Make it big with Harveys Beer."

Big foam.

You get a big bang out of it.

Big, proud head.

It's big and it lasts long--

You know, you're about as subtle

as an elephant in heat.

That's great. We'll show an elephant

sipping Harveys Beer at the circus.

- It's obscene.

- Don't moralize, Elias.

- We're committed to Harveys Beer.

- I'm committed to myself.

Harveys Beer is

the worst beer in the market.

It's a loser. Get rid of it.

There are no losers.

Every product has potential--

It's a stiff.

No, no don't say that.

There's no such thing.

You're a stiff.

I'll not tolerate

your self-indulgence.

When your father comes in...

I'm gonna tell him

exactly what you've said.

Just because you were here

when my old man started this agency...

you know,

that doesn't alter the facts.

You've played so many sides of the fence

you don't know where the fence is anymore.

- I know my job.

- Oh, that's beautiful.

If it weren't for your father,

you'd be on welfare.

$60,000 a year,

and all you can do is wreck the joint.

He's right. He's not creative,

but he knows the rules.

And you gotta know the rules

before you can break the rules.

- Right.

- There's no respect anymore.

He's right, Nathan.

You did your tango 30 years ago.

Fascist!

Duck hunter loses his rifle...

walks seven miles to a cathouse,

knocks on the door.

The door opens, the madam says,

"Who sent you?"

He says, "In the '40s,

it was Judy Canova and Victor Mature.

"In the '50s, it was Christine Jorgensen

and James Dean.

"In the '60s,

it was Smith & Wesson."

That's it.

He was a nice guy.

Can you lend me five?

Our job is to manipulate the consumer

by arousing his desires...

and then we satisfy those desires

for a fixed price.

- Sounds familiar.

- It sounds familiar.

It's called advertising.

Yes?

Thank you.

Elias Sr.

just went through the lobby.

Well, let's go.

Let's go, Bissinger.

Our war toy account

is up 23% and a third.

Hey, Bissinger,

you better get hip to reality.

By advertising toy guns, you're

encouraging kids to enjoy violence.

You're only Music Director

around here, Swope.

What do you know about

the total spectrum?

- I know what I feel.

- What's that got to do with it?

- I think we should drop the account.

- How dare you!

Drop the account and show

the business community and the public...

that we're morally

and socially responsible.

- Groovy, let's do it.

- Thank you.

Putney...

I've been supervising the war

toy account for 1 2 years.

And let me tell you something.

Deny a young boy

the right to have a toy gun...

and you'll suppress his

destructive urges...

and he'll turn out

to be a homosexual...

- or worse:

- I'd rather have my son be a fag than a killer.

Your son is a fag!

You took him on the picnic hike,

I didn't.

Last year at Malibu,

only Jim was a fag.

Two weeks ago,

Steve and Ralph came over.

Yesterday, Randy came over.

There it is.

The fraught priest is on the road.

It's 3:
00 a.m...

he's got a flat tire and it's raining.

So he goes up to this farmhouse--

We're grossing less

than $1 million a day...

and you're talking about

flat tires and farmhouses?

Get out of my life.

Good morning, Mario.

Good afternoon, Mario.

Every consumer has a small box

in his head.

Everyone has a soapbox.

A breadbox. A cereal box.

A shampoo box.

This box is the target...

of $46 billion

a year in advertising.

Now, there's only so much room

in each box...

and if we overload these boxes

with too much information...

they won't remember anything.

But...

if we use...

creative foreplay...

before we penetrate...

we'll...

Benefit.

Bypass?

Looks like...

Sounds like...

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

We'll never know.

- I'm going to the track.

- Have a ball, baby.

What do you think

of those cuff links?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

I'm the Senior Vice President,

so I'm the new chairman of--

Bullshit.

The corporate bylaws

make it very clear...

that the only way we can determine

a new chairman is by democratic process.

Paragraph 68 specifically states...

that nobody can vote for himself.

That's what it says,

so that's where it's at.

Vote for me, and I'll get you

into the Knights of Columbus.

Vote for me,

I'll give you 10% of the business.

25%.

Vote for me...

and I'll set you up

in Puerto Rico...

for life.

I got Puerto Ricans in my building.

Enough carcass.

Let's get the votes in.

How can we talk about

who's gonna be chairman of the board...

when my father's laying

dead on the table?

Why can't I be

chairman of the board?

Because you're a nitwit.

My father started this agency.

And you're not going to finish it.

Thank you, Valerie.

One for Elias.

Swope.

One for Bissinger.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

That's it.

One vote for Elias,

one vote for Bissinger...

nine votes for Swope.

Swope, you don't have to accept.

It's a terrible job.

Don't take it, Swope.

Take it easy, Nathan.

I've seen your cardiogram.

It's a mirage.

A man's been elected

and you voted for him.

We all voted for him.

Because we thought

no one else would vote for him.

Putney Swope is the new chairman

of this board.

And I will defend

that mistake with my life.

Congratulations, Putney.

It's going to be a pleasure

working with you, Swope.

You're gonna make

a great chairman...

if you stay in line.

My father would've

wanted it this way.

He dug you very much.

Your father was a horse's ass.

Yeah. But he dug you very much.

The changes I'm going to make

will be minimal.

I'm not going to rock the boat.

Rocking the boat's a drag.

What you do is sink the boat.

And there's no sense

sinking nothing...

unless you can salvage

with productive alternatives...

and, brothers, you can't change nothing

with rhetoric and slogans...

because if a man's really got

the truth in his pocket...

he doesn't talk about it.

He hangs it out on a shingle

where people can see it.

So, from now on,

the name of this agency is...

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