Putney Swope Page #2

Truth and Soul.

- T.S., baby.

- That's right.

No smoking.

Nathan, you're a good businessman

and you're not a cop-out...

so I'm going to let you stay.

I want a contract that guarantees me

an expense account...

stock options, 22 weeks vacation...

a company car,

a box at Jay Stadium...

a percentage of the gross,

total creative freedom...

transplant insurance

and a no-cut clause.

- Nathan, you're corrupt.

- Thank you.

I've come all the way from Miles City

to ask you to be my woman.

It must be my new depilatory,

Superlip.

Superlip eliminates peach fuzz

and feminine whiskers.

Superlip digs deep down

into the hair follicle...

instead of just lopping

it off at the surface.

Cut! Cut!

I don't believe it. Again.

There's a bunch of lilies

shooting a commercial in our studio.

They must not know

about the recent transition.

Well, let's go take

care of business.

This chick's from nowhere.

So it's up to you.

lmprovise. Do something.

I've seen you work at Jones Beach

with Guy Lombardo.

I know you can pull it off.

Superlip. Shot 1.

Take 107.

- Action.

- Action!

Lady Beaver...

I've come all the way from Biloxi

to ask you to be my woman.

Wayne.

You do go on.

I have a malignancy

in my prostrate

But when you're in my arms,

it's benign

I don't feel it.

- What did you say?

- I am not going to say it.

- It is stupid.

- Cut.

Listen, sweetie,

I could be home writing my novel.

You could be playing Lady Macbeth

in some basement.

We're both here, aren't we?

That's okay.

Let's do it.

- Let's do it!

- Let's do it.

I have a malignancy

in my prostrate

But when you're in my arms,

it's...

Quitting time!

Get on out!

Yeah, no more taking pictures

of no jive cans and jive bottles...

and skinny-legged broads

with stockings on them.

Get on out of here!

We're gonna have some greasy fingers

and some chicken...

and all the beautiful things

that people have...

who have it. And you ain't got it.

So get on out. You understand?

We're not gonna take

any more of your jives.

'Cause we're Truth and Soul,

you understand?

Truth and Soul, 'cause we got it...

and we got a brother

that's gonna make it right.

We got brother Putney.

Okay.

Every single account pulled out.

I wish I had pulled out.

Too many dependents, baby.

It looks bad.

Swope, I think we're

still in the ball game.

Wing Soney just got off the elevator

and he's dying to meet you.

- Wing Soney?

- Wing Soney.

Wowee.

Hey, man, what's this thing?

Do-it-yourself Pearl Harbor?

He's Chinese, Swope.

I don't care what he is.

We're gonna get that account.

Let's go.

Wing Soney,

say hello to Putney Swope.

Mr. Swope, I'm not a happy chappy.

The agency that's currently

handling my merchandise...

is the biggest nosebleed in town.

Now, I have a new item...

and I dig to launch

it with a new outfit.

So let me tell you about

the Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap.

The Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap

is a unique breakthrough...

because after it traps a rodent...

it chemically cremates.

No flame, no noise, no mouse.

I invented it myself.

- Mr. Soney, you're not gonna believe this...

- Then don't tell me.

...but for the past six minutes...

I've been working on

a whole new approach to mousetraps.

Lay it on them, Nathan.

Columbus is on the Santa Maria.

The crew's Italian.

Columbus walks down

the gangplank...

and waiting at the bottom

is a middle-aged Indian.

Columbus knocks

the Indian on his ass...

and sticks the Spanish

flag in the ground.

And out of the bushes

comes a 75-year-old squaw...

with a cleft head,

and an ax in her back.

But the Indian starts to cry...

because he knows

he's going to be exploited.

Columbus puts his arm around the Indian,

points to the crew, and says...

"In exchange for your land,

I'll give you 50 guineas."

Cut to a shot

of a Get- Out- Of- Here Mousetrap...

tell him how much it costs,

where you buy it, and that's it.

It's the most fantastic

thing I ever heard.

Who's your shrink?

I dig it.

- I dig it.

- I dig it.

My mousetrap is yours.

You've revitalized me, Swope.

This way.

I'm a happy chink.

We did it, Swope. We did it.

- You're fired.

- Why?

That Columbus thing

is the worst thing I ever heard.

I thought it was brilliant.

That's why you're taking

the next elevator.

- Hey, you a messenger for T.S.?

- Yes, sir.

- From now on, use the freight elevator.

- Yes, sir.

I just heard about

the Get- Out- Of- Here campaign.

It's a trailblazer, Swope.

Your master conception

is a masterpiece.

Why, it's already a classic.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're my man.

I would like to discuss the possibility

of you handling my account. Would you?

I'm with the Audie

Murphy Toy Company.

We just came out with

a junior miss flamethrower...

that runs on ordinary

lighter fluid...

and next week, we're coming

out with a heavy-duty model...

for the back-to-college group. It features

an after-burner and five-second reloading...

with disposable propane cassettes.

I want to have nothing to do

with war toys or cigarettes...

and do something about your breath.

Tell me what you like.

I'll go out and make it.

I'll produce it, you push it.

You and me, Swope.

If you stiffs want T.S.

to do your advertising...

it's gonna cost you

a million bucks up front. Cash.

That's hallway robbery, Swope.

- That's an outrage.

- The price is right.

But I can't come up with

a million bucks in cash.

Me, neither.

Forget it, baby.

If your sales don't increase by 50%,

you'll get a complete refund.

- I'm in, Swope.

- Me, too.

- You and me, Swope.

- Don't forget me.

- Pit Stop deodorant.

- Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Jim Keranga

of Watts, California...

is eating a bowl of

Ethereal Cereal...

the heavenly breakfast food.

Jim, did you know that Ethereal Cereal

has twice as much vitamin B...

as any other leading cereal?

Ethereal also has

the added punch...

of.002 ESP units of pectin.

No sh*t!

Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Ground rules:

give us the name of your product,

what it's supposed to do...

then take a walk.

We don't need your ideas.

We don't need your advice.

And we don't need

lames in the hallway.

Lucky Airlines.

Introducing

Miss Redneck, New Jersey...

Eugenie Ferliger.

Eugenie is 23.

She's 5'4'',

and weighs 117 pounds.

She has blue eyes and blonde hair

with matching cuffs and collar.

Eugenie is a graduate of

the Sawbone/T-bone Diner in Redneck...

where she majored in philosophy.

She's a social worker

and her favorite hobby is emasculation.

Eugenie, in 25 words or less...

would you tell us what

your philosophy is?

Well...

I believe that everyone...

no matter their race,

creed or color...

should get a piece of the action.

A piece of the what, Eugenie?

- A piece of the pie.

- Right.

Confidentially, folks,

I never thought she'd get that line.

Oh, f*** off, Bert!

Everybody wants

a Dinkleberry Frozen Chicken Pot Pie...

and they'll do anything to get it.

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