Quick Change Page #4

I suppose you don't believe that either,

Edison! That people would go and do that!

For your information, I was at Woodstock.

I don't judge you, Hal.

Really, I don't.

But from Woodstock

to Charles Bronson in 2o years?

Good one.

Look.

Grab it.

Oh, damn it.

You can shoot us now.

I've put the gun down.

No hard feelings?

These are the names and numbers

and preliminary statements of the hostages.

"Clown seemed harmless until

he harassed blond hostage."

Yes, sir. Apparently, he made

some sexual overtures, things like that.

I don't see her.

- Don't see who?

- The blond. Where is she?

I was talking to her myself

when she came out.

- All the hostages are here.

- They're all here.

No. Where's the whiny guy?

"He's an animal."

The one that came out with her.

They were the second and third ones out.

Oh, Jesus.

The lumberjack guy...

He was the first one out.

- In all that chaos, a few wandered away...

- It was utter chaos.

- But we got everybody's name and number.

- We got all that stuff.

Yeah, get me the news footage on those

three hostages who were released. Right.

I said, "It's all over, Chuckles."

And wrestled him. But he got a gal

in his sights, and I had to let up.

That's when he coldcocked me.

Son of a b*tch.

Look at this video so we can

put out an APB on these robbers.

- Robbers, plural?

- They all coldcocked me.

Three of them there, shouting with glee.

- Taxi!

- Taxi!

- Please!

- $ 1 o, ooo for a taxi!

And a blowj*b!

- Can we just calm down.

- We'll never make the flight.

We'll have to sail a raft to Fiji

like Thor Heyerdahl.

I have made another reservation

on the 11:
oo to Martinique.

- You never mentioned an 11:oo flight.

- I never thought we'd need it.

But I don't know anything

about Martinique.

What did you know about Fiji?

Nothing, really.

Okay.

Did you book another flight after that?

Let's just try to make the 11:oo, okay?

Why, do they know about us yet?

Well, by now, Rotzinger has probably

figured out it was the first three hostages.

Oh, Grimm.

Grimm, I cannot go to prison.

Don't worry about it. We were disguised.

- Taxi!

- You never mentioned Rotzinger.

You never mentioned Martinique.

What else haven't you mentioned?

- Everything you told me is a lie, isn't it?

- Are you all right?

Am l...? You think this is fun,

a night on the town.

No, I think it's a lot more exciting

than that.

You used to think so too.

We couldn't discuss this plan...

...unless there was a bedroom close by.

- Before I realized what you are.

What am I?

You're a world-class bank robber,

drunk on your own power and expertise.

- And Loomis thinks so too.

- Taxi.

Taxi.

Look, I don't know where this

"world-class bank robber" thing came from.

Okay, I did rob a bank, but so did you.

Isn't that what we planned for six months

in your bedroom?

And now if... When we get a cab...

...we can complete the plan and live out

our lives with a modicum of dignity.

Please, God! We need a cab!

One lousy, f***ing cab!

Yes!

To the airport, please.

All right, let's take another call.

Line seven. Steve, from Staten Island.

- What's on your mind tonight?

- I wanted to talk about that bank robbery.

- What about it?

- Was this clown such a bad guy?

I mean, he had a great sense of humor.

He wasn't another junkie

with a homemade 9 mm.

- He was okay.

- Steve, you must be a scumbag like him.

I say, hang the clown, then pull his pants

down to set an example. You're out of here.

How could he say a thing like that?

- He's asking, "Where to?"

- Oh, God.

He just means which airport, that's all.

Kennedy. JFK.

- I'm sorry I got so crazy.

- What did Loomis say to get you so upset?

Oh, nothing. No, he's completely loyal

to you. And you are to him.

Kind of like father and son, huh?

You didn't mention Rotzinger or Martinique

because the plan was perfect...

...and you didn't wanna worry me

with unlikely contingencies, right?

I know I've been especially moody.

Not so as you'd notice.

And I know it's not exactly

reasonable to expect...

...a lot of attention

under the circumstances.

But you see...

Jesus. The goddamn airport!

What, do you got sh*t in your ears?

Come on.

All right, easy.

He may be a guest in our country.

Friend...

Kennedy. Here, look.

Kennedy Airport. Look.

Yeah, he's got it.

Oh, great. Why don't you take us

straight to Sing Sing.

- Please don't say that. You'll upset Loomis.

- Oh, God forbid.

It's red. Stop!

Stop!

You don't even understand colors,

do you?

You don't know red from hell!

There's a real cab up there. Stop!

- Taxi!

- Loomis!

- That guy must have wanted a paper bad.

- That's a bad place to be.

Loomis. Loomis.

Hey, Linda, hurry up,

I think this guy's dead.

You hear me? It's a dead man.

Thirty-eight eighty-two.

Send a squad car now!

Looks like he's bleeding.

Loomis.

Loomis.

I really liked him. I did.

So I says to him, "Are you gonna behave?"

And from out of nowhere comes this knife.

I think it was a bowie knife,

and I hate knives.

Dennis, the news footage

didn't help me very much.

I wanted it an hour ago.

Where'd you get this, a matchbook?

It's perfect, if you wanna pick up

Paul Bunyan.

It's based, in part,

on our own descriptions.

That clown was no clown.

Knew we'd be too obsessed...

...by the perpetrator inside the bank...

...to see much more than a beard or a blond

or a whiny jerk. What do you got?

Involving two men and a woman,

here's what's up:

and a woman crashed into the Pierce Hotel.

- The passengers fled before we got there.

- Dispatch a car. What else?

That's it involving two men

and a woman.

Two more liquor stores and a Laundromat

were hit by copycat clowns.

You realize they're probably

somewhere in the Third World by now.

Yes, sir. Someplace nice.

All we've got going for us is the city.

Our only hope is that they're mired down in

the same sh*t you and I wade in every day.

Why do I still want this f***ing job?

Can't I imagine a more inspired destiny

for myself?

Sir, don't talk like that.

Here's another one. A man jumped from

a moving cab into a newspaper stand.

There were two other passengers in the car,

a man and a woman.

He jumped from a moving cab.

That's panic.

That's somebody on the lam.

Goddamn, if that doesn't sound like

the guy who hit that car horn.

- When was that?

- 2o35.

- We're not even on the scene yet, sir.

- It's them.

It's them.

Send all nearby units to the scene.

Loomis.

Loomis.

Did we get the cab?

Are you gonna hit me now?

No, but if your leg is broken,

we'll have to destroy you.

Can you get up now, pal?

Too bad. It looked fierce.

Count from 1 o backwards.

Ten.

That's great. Forget it, that's enough.

Nine, eight...

...seven...

- Come on, relax.

- The gun, the gun!

- Gun, the gun.

- Hey.

Oh, nice. Professor Henry Higgins

is gonna spot us.

We're gonna go in here.

This ain't my dick in your back.

That's a relief.

We came...

...about the money.

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