Quiz Show Page #4

You're good at that.

Gee, do we get to go there ?

Yeah. Just like to know

where the challenge is.

You know ? l feel like a race horse

whose gate won't open.

You didn't want

the Wall Street job.

Yeah, l know. Well,

money isn't everything.

l'm not the one who came home

with the Chrysler catalogue.

Give me the name of the explorer

who discovered Mozambique.

- Vasco da Gama.

- Vasco da Gama.

- [ Herb ] Well--

- Maybe l should get on a quiz show.

At least l could get

in my own bedroom.

lt's just a job, Dick.

lt's not sex.

Vasco da Gama ?

- Great show, Herbie.

- Terrific show. l really think so.

- Jack, wasn't Herb terrific tonight ?

- Can't you see l'm busy, Dan ?

- Oh, Herb, l'd like you to meet

next week's challenger,

- [ Van Doren ] Okay.

- Charles Van Doren.

- Hello. l'm scared of you.

Boy, oh, boy, let me tell you.

Scared of me ?

- More wine, Herb ?

- Thank you, Dan. Why not ?

You've earned it.

How's that steak ?

Nothing like

a fine piece of meat.

You know, Herb, it's a hell of a thing.

l'm lookin' at the thing today.

- You know, the Trendex rating ?

- Yeah ?

Well, it's the damndest thing,

but you've plateaued.

Plateaued ? Wh-What

kind of word is that ?

- What, plateaued ?

- Plateaued.

Plateaued ? Uh, well,

it's like, uh, you--

-You mean people don't like me anymore ?

-No, no, no, it's not you per se.

- lt's just-- No, it's--

- Maybe l should get my teeth capped.

lt's the nature of the show.

They've already seen you win,

and they want something new.

So what are you saying ?

You think they want me to lose ?

Well, don't you think

that's natural ?

Joe Louis was the champ for 12 years.

Nobody ever wanted Joe Louis to lose.

- Think about the cause of education.

- The cause of education ?

l waited 29 years for this.

Now l'm supposed to take a dive

for the cause of education ?

l didn't say take a dive.

Now l'm askin' you for your help.

Fine. Just let me

play it honestly.

- Will you keep your voice down ?

- Give me a number. Go ahead.

Give me a number.

- Excuse me, sir. Give me

a number, a-a random number.

- l don't know. Twenty-three ?

Beethoven was 23 when he

composed his first piano sonata.

ln 1923, Jack Bentley set the record

for average by a pitcher, batting .427.

There are 23 chromosomes

in the human egg.

- Herb--

- Also, the human sperm.

Twenty-third president: Benjamin

Harrison. Asian countries along

the 23rd parallel--

Look, don't start believing

your own bullshit, all right ?

You wouldn't know

the name of Paul Revere's horse

if he took a crap on your lawn.

- She.

- What ?

- lt was a mare, remember ?

- Look, you lose when

l tell you to lose.

- But why now ?

- lt's an arrangement.

- lt's always been an arrangement.

- But if you told me to lose before,

if you told me to lose right from

the beginning, that l'd understand.

That'd be the story of my life.

But why now ? What did l do ?

Look at the big picture. lt's not like

television is gonna go away, you know.

- l mean, think about the future.

- You mean like a panel show ?

Uh, check. Look, l'm gonna do

what l can do, Herb.

But meanwhile, maybe you could use

somebody to talk to.

l'm gonna give you the name

of my analyst. Just send me the bills.

- You know, l could be terrific

on one of those panel shows.

- Here you go, sir.

Witty, off-the-cuff.

A Bill Cullen sort of thing.

Now the last category

is movies.

We're gonna ask you what won the Academy

Award for Best Picture in 1955.

You don't know it.

Your answer On The Waterfront.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Don't-- Don't do that.

Not Marty.

l saw Marty three times.

The Best Picture from two years ago

and l don't know it ?

Someone of your intellect,

and it's such a simple question.

- Don't you see the drama of that ?

- Drama ?

Herb, don't do this

to yourself.

Please, let me lose on a physics

question, not Marty, Dan.

Don't do this to me.

lt's too humiliating.

For 70 grand, Herb,

you can afford to be humiliated.

- Who was the captain of the Mayflower ?

- Christopher Jones.

- What year ?

- 1620.

Here's Mr. Moto !

[ Sports Announcer ] And we'll return

to Mr. Moto after this.

[ Announcer ] Will Herbert Stempel

become the first man...

to win over $100,000

on television ?

No, Herbert Stempel is not

going to win over $100,000.

Herbert Stempel

is going to take a dive !

Dad, the quiz is tomorrow.

lf you're gonna talk to the TV--

- All right, big shot. So who bought

Manhattan lsland from the lndians ?

- Peter Minuit.

- What year ?

- 1626.

- How much ?

- Twenty-four dollars.

[ Announcer ] ...this week

on Twenty-One.

- Now back to our program.

- This week on Twenty-One,

watch Herb Stempel be fed

to the Columbia Lions.

Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first

kosher meal on Twenty-One.

What are you doing ?

Why aren't you dressed ?

The child has to learn. The

child has to learn the depths

that humanity can sink to.

The tribes of

the lroquois League: Mohawks,

- Cayugas, Oneidas--

- Twenty-four bucks for Manhattan.

First the lndians, then us.

- What's eatin' you ?

- You know why they call them lndians ?

- Because Columbus thought

he was in lndia.

- Mohawks, Cayugas--

They're lndians because

some white guy got lost.

You're gonna give him your ulcer.

Let him grow up with his own ulcer.

- He wouldn't let me practice my drums.

- Who won Best Picture for 1955 ?

- Marty.

- Marty.

- Thank you.

- Well, what's the problem ?

- Lester, do me a favor.

Go in your bedroom, do your

homework, all right ? Hey, hey !

With your books.

Homework with your books.

[ TV Announcer Shouting Excitedly ]

- They want me to take a dive.

- What ?

They're going to ask me

what won the Best Picture for 1955,

and l have to answer

On The Waterfront.

They have to utz me

with a question any child knows.

H-How can they do that ? l thought

the questions were in a bank vault.

They just put me in an isolation

booth and pump cyanide into it.

Herbie, they

can't do that.

- How can they do that ?

- Well, obviously, Toby,

this particular question

isn't in the bank vault.

- Why ?

- How the hell do l know why ?

Well, then the hell with them.

Just answer Marty then.

- l already agreed.

- Well, screw them.

Let them ask you a question you really

don't know. Ha. Good luck.

You're Herbert Stempel. What are they

gonna do to you ? Huh ?

[ TV Announcer ] Judo chop into the

throat. Once again, it's a judo chop.

- You're right.

What could they do to me ?

- Yeah.

- Screw 'em.

- Yeah.

Remember, call him ''Jack''

as often as possible.

Jack.

Fifteen seconds.

[ Low Voice ] Good evening.

l'm Jack Barry.

[ Brightly ] Good evening.

l'm Jack Barry.

- [ Stage Manager ] Five.

- Good evening. l'm Jack... Barry.

- Watch your headroom.

- Coming to air in ten, nine,

- l'm Jack Barry.

- eight, seven,

- six, five,

- Steady, one.

- four, three--

- Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.

- Two, one.

- Fade up. Cue up.

Good evening.

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