Quiz Show Page #3

- Who's that guy in the corner ?

- Constantinople ?

- Constantine the First.

Charles Van Doren.

Charles Van Doren ?

Like Van Doren Van Doren ?

- He wants to be on Tic-Tac-Dough ?

- l guess so.

- Meriwether Lewis.

- That's it.

Who was the editor

of the socialist paper--

Oh, this is the guy.

This is the guy

l got the guy

l got the guy

l got the guy !

- [ Door Opening ]

- l got the guy.

So l turned to astrophysics,

but, of course, as you know,

all the great physicists were

great before the age of 25.

[ Chuckling ]

lt just wasn't in the cards.

- So l went to Paris and wrote

my novel about a patricide.

- What ?

A boy who kills his father.

M-My dad liked it

quite a lot, actually,

although you could fill Yankee Stadium

with the world's mediocre novelists.

And your father

is Carl Van Doren.

My uncle. My father

is Mark Van Doren, the poet.

He also teaches-- l-l mean,

l also teach at Columbia. Literature.

- Same as, uh, same as Dad.

- Oh, same as Dad, huh ? That's nice.

Could l ask you

a personal question, Professor ?

Actually, l'm not a professor

yet. l'm just an instructor.

How much do they pay instructors

up at Columbia ?

- Eighty-six dollars a week.

- You have any idea how much

Bozo the Clown makes ?

Well, we-- we can't all

be Bozo the Clown.

No, no, not to question your

choice of profession. Not at all.

l'm questioning the values of a society

that pays somebody like you--

- What was it ?

- Eighty-six dollars a week.

Eighty-six dollars a week. You plan on

raising a family, right, Professor ?

- Yes, l hope to, very much.

- Can you imagine raising a family

on 86 dollars a week ?

Eighty-six dollars a week. And

meanwhile, look at the crisis

of education in this country.

W-Well, yes, l-l agree.

lt's a national problem.

So l understand you came down

to try out for Tic-Tac-Dough.

Well, my friends tell me

l have a good mind for this

sort of thing. They coaxed me--

How'd you like

to be on Twenty-One ?

- Twenty-One ?

- Dan produces both shows.

You're young; you're clean-cut;

you're from a prominent family.

Kids would run to do their homework

to be like Charles Van Doren.

- What about, uh, Herbert Stempel ?

- What about him ?

- Herb ? Oh, l love him.

People don't like him.

- Well, we love Herb.

- Kids don't look up to him.

- lf you were a kid,

would you want to be...

an annoying Jewish guy

with a sidewall haircut ?

- Well, l wanted to be Joe DiMaggio.

- Oh, yeah ? Me too.

- Especially after

he signed for the hundred grand.

- Yeah, Al--

But you see, that's what this country

needs, is an intellectual Joe DiMaggio,

with the women and the money

and all of it, but from his

brain instead of a bat and ball.

- Dan.

- l know. You're probably right.

Yeah, boy.

What are we gonna do here ?

Well, l could take

a whack at it.

Yeah, see, the problem, Professor, is

the old college try ain't gonna do it.

And you've seen Stempel.

[ Chuckling ] The guy's unbeatable.

l have to admit Tic-Tac-Dough

seemed more feasible.

What if we were to put you

on the show--

Put you on Twenty-One

and ask you questions that you know.

Say, the questions that he answered

correctly on the test this morning.

- l-l don't follow you.

- Just thinkin' out loud.

l thought the questions

were in a bank vault.

- ln a way, they are.

- You wanna win, don't you ?

- Well, l think l'd really rather

try to beat him honestly.

- What's dishonest ?

When Gregory Peck parachutes

behind enemy lines, do you think

that's really Gregory Peck ?

That book that Eisenhower wrote ?

A ghostwriter wrote it. Nobody cares.

lt's not like we'd be giving you

the answers. Just 'cause we

know you know, you still know.

Right. lt's not like you're

putting me on the show, or Al,

and pretending to be

some sort of intellectual.

You have put in

years of study and erudition.

l mean, l-- l'm just trying

to imagine what Kant would make of this.

l don't think

he'd have a problem with it.

Think about what this could mean for

the cause of education.

Forty million people

will watch you on Twenty-One.

lt's not like anybody

has to know. Just us three.

lt just doesn't seem right.

l-l'd have to say no.

Just an idea.

Was that part of the test ?

- So we're okay.

- You're gonna give it a try.

Well, uh, l just want to make sure

it'll be, you know, not...

the way we

discussed it before ?

- No. So pure, it floats.

- Not at all.

Okay ? So we'll see you

Monday night then.

- You'll come by

and see how the show works.

- Great.

- All right. And we'll

look forward to that.

- Monday night.

- Nice meeting you.

- Okay. Good-bye.

- Take care.

- Bye-bye.

- Reservations are at 9:00.

- Thanks. All right.

- Boys.

- Hi, Jack.

- Hi, Jack.

- Who's that ?

- That's Charles Van Doren.

- As in Van Doren Van Doren ?

- Van Doren. Yes.

- Oh.

- He wants to be on Tic-Tac-Dough.

Now, why would a guy like that

want to be on a quiz show ?

Richard Goodwin.

l'm an investigator.

An investigator. Richard

Goodwin with the Subcommittee

on Legislative Oversight.

l'm calling because the rate schedules

for the Baltimore and Ohio...

for the first four months

of 1954 seem to be missing from

the documents you just sent me.

Oh, go get 'em, Dickie.

They're sweatin' now.

Do they know you were first

in your class at Harvard Law School ?

Don't talk to me like

l'm an idiot. l was first in

my class at Harvard Law School.

- There we go.

What have you got ?

- Forty-three seconds.

- Not bad.

- Railroad regulation.

- Now that's political

dynamite he's playing with.

- Oh, just an oversight.

-[ Both ] We're an oversight committee.

-Right.

The end of next week.

That'll be just fine.

And l'll send you a little

helpful reminder, okay ?

- You'll notice it 'cause it'll

look very much like a subpoena.

- [ Men ] Ohhh.

- Thank you.

- You know, Dick, you stick

with this-- l don't know.

Ten, fifteen years, you could

bring the lnterstate Commerce

Commission to its knees.

Of course, by then,

there may not be railroads.

- [ Laughing ]

- You'll still be sittin'

right there, too, Alex.

- He's so sensitive.

- Truce.

Herb, you got ten points.

The category is ''Explorers.''

How many you want to try for ?

- [ Herb ] l'll try

for 11 points, Mr. Barry.

- Hello !

[ Barry ] Gonna go all the way, huh ?

All right.

l'm gonna name four spots

on the globe. You name the

explorer who discovered them.

- First:
Newfoundland.

- John Cabot.

Hi. l see you're really churning out

the chapters today.

Go away.

No cigar in the bedroom.

- That's correct. The Cape of Good Hope.

- Out.

No cigar in the bedroom.

We allow a television in the bedroom,

but no cigar in the bedroom.

- This--

- [ Herb ] Bartolomeu Dias.

- He originally called it--

- You're right, Herb.

So today, chairman

calls me aside.

My big break, right ?

He asks me to write him a speech

to deliver to the Kiwanis Club

of Arkadelphia, Arkansas.

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