Quiz Show Page #9

and swallowing goldfish.

Last week alone,

l had 11 proposals of marriage.

Perhaps you should

accept one of them.

To think they unleash you

on those impressionable young minds.

Why not ? He's 33 years old. Jesus

Christ had a girlfriend at 33 years old.

- Look how that turned out.

- And he shared an office

with his father.

l'm sure they're

all very nice girls.

ln that case, perhaps l should

appear on a quiz show.

The money, meanwhile,

no one knows what to do with it.

Though every stockbroker

in New York seems eager to try.

Why don't you just put it in

the bank ? That's what l've

always done with my prize money.

No, it's just-- You don't

understand, Dad. There are

all sorts of tax implications.

l think l can understand

the concept of taxes.

- At this level,

it's a bit more complicated.

- And at my level ?

l never thought of myself

having a level, Charlie.

What level might that be ?

l mean, it's not as if the money fell

into my lap. l worked for it.

- Work ? Oh-ho-ho-ho.

- Millions of people watch

the game shows, Dad.

Then l suppose we've become

a nation of proctors.

- [ Dorothy ] Mark.

- Help me out here, Harvard.

Uh... claim victory

and depart the field.

- We don't have a television.

- [ Mark ] Why on earth

would we need a television ?

[ Rita ] How much money is it again ?

- What ?

- They don't have a television.

- You haven't seen the show ?

- We were supposed to watch it

the other night at Thurber's--

- Even Thurber has a television,

and he's blind.

- How much is it now, Charlie ?

- $122,000.

- What ?

- [ People Gasping ]

- She heard that all right.

Well.

''Some rise by sin

and some by virtue fall.''

Measure For Measure.

''To do a great right...

do a little wrong.''

- Merchant Of Venice.

- lt's this game our family plays.

''O what men dare do !

What men may do !

What men daily do,

not knowing what they do.''

Much Ado About Nothing. ''Things without

remedy should be without regard;

what's done is done.''

''Things without all remedy.''

Macbeth.

[ Dorothy ] ''How the ill white hairs

become a fool and jester.''

- Now, Professor, open your presents.

- [ People Laughing ]

- Well, what have we here ?

- [ John ] After-shave.

- [ People Laugh ]

Uh-huh.

- [ People Clapping ]

- Oh, now !

- Oh, my God ! How swell !

- [ Chuckles ]

l guess l'm surrounded.

Thank you, Charlie.

l-l thought

you might like it, Dad.

So do you remember

Herbert Stempel ?

Remember him ?

l still can't believe l beat him.

Stempel tells me that Dan Enright

made him take a dive from the show.

What ?

He tells me that Dan Enright

made him take a dive.

- [ Chuckles ] That's ridiculous.

- Yeah ?

A little odd, though, don't

ya think ? l mean, losing

on such an easy question ?

You know, frankly, Dick,

if Stempel can just run around...

and smear a man like Dan Enright

to the United States Congress--

No, nobody's smearing anybody. l'm just

trying to figure out the truth here.

Could you just untie

the bowline there and shove us off ?

All right.

Dick, could you raise

the jib for us, please ?

The jib.

Just, uh-- Yeah.

Do you remember what it was like for

guys like us when we were in school ?

Being smart was like

being cross-eyed.

But you should see

the letters l get.

Kids are excited about--

about books...

and learning

and general knowledge.

Dan Enright had a lot

to do with that.

Yeah, but don't you think

he wanted you to win ?

l mean, if you look at the ratings,

they're staggering.

[ Chuckles ] Well, what did he say,

they ''made'' him take a dive ?

- Well.

- Well, how did they ''make'' him

take a dive anyway ?

He didn't want to jeopardize any

future he might have in television.

- [ Chuckles ]

- Yeah, well-- [ Chuckles ]

Anyway, how many people did you say

testified in front of the grand jury ?

Why ?

What's your point ?

Well, if what you're saying

is true, then everybody lied.

- [ Freedman ] Hi. Al Freedman.

- Hi. l'm Danny.

Good to see you. l'm sorry for

the delay. Come on in. Have a seat.

- Would you like a cup of coffee

or a soft drink ?

- Anything ?

- l'm fine. Thanks.

- You sure ?

- We're very well stocked up here.

- Nothing ?

- l'm fine.

- No trouble.

- l understand you've spoken

to Charles Van Doren.

- And Herbert Stempel.

- Oh, l was afraid of that.

He says and l quote,

that he was made to ''take a dive.''

Believe me, l'm quite familiar

with Herb's allegations.

l could recite them by rote.

Forty-six witnesses swore up and down

Herbie's a lying tub of sh*t.

- Al.

- Sorry.

- Why the big secret ?

- Well, to protect people's reputations.

l mean, frankly, you never know what

the public is gonna believe, you see ?

There's that and, um--

And what ?

- Look, Dick, l wa--

Can l call you Dick ?

- Sure, Dan.

After the loss, Herb came to

visit me in an agitated--

- Well, l suppose the clinical

term would be, uh... what ?

- The guy's nuts.

- Manic. He was in

a manic frame of mind.

- Manic.

And l took the precaution

of tape recording that meeting.

Al, would you...

play the tape ?

Listen to this.

[ Stempel ] You get me

that panel show...

or l'm gonna bring you down,

you lousy lyin' prick !

You and Charles

Van f***in' Doren !

[ Enright On Tape ] What is this,

Herb ? Are you blackmailin' me ?

l need that money, Dan. l need

to get back on television.

You get me that panel show...

- or l'll tell everyone it's a fraud.

- You know that's not true.

Who cares if it's true ? ''The fix is in

this week on Twenty-One.''

Okay.

So he needed more money

after all that money he won.

Gambling.

And that's the least of it.

l mean, if the judge was protecting

anyone, he was protecting Herb.

Given--

Well--

- His medical condition.

- [ Scoffs ] His medical condition ?

- Oh, yeah.

- Al, get the bills.

l mean, put yourself

in his shoes.

He's no longer

in the public eye.

He's remembered, if he's

remembered at all, as ''the guy

that lost to Van Doren.''

Television is like

a monkey on his back,

and we're not talking about someone who

is necessarily stable to begin with.

- No.

- So you paid for his psychoanalysis ?

- l felt responsible.

- You're too nice.

- No, l'm not.

- lf it were up to me, l would've sent

him to the skating rink the fast way.

- Five sessions a week ?

- Five, and not a dent.

Herb is so angry with himself

for losing, and it was on

such a simple question too.

- Marty.

- Marty. His ego couldn't handle it.

He blames Charles Van Doren

for his downfall.

And of course, the real downfall

of Herbert Stempel has always

been Herbert Stempel.

Herbert Stempel. Absolutely. You met

him. Does he seem stable to you ?

Well, l definitely have an inkling

of what you're talking about.

He told me this whole story about

how when a Jew is on the show,

he always loses to a Gentile, and then

the Gentile wins more money.

Right ? [ Chuckles ] Who could

dream up a scheme like that ?

A symptom of his

Van Doren fixation.

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