R.I.P.D. Page #2

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No! Get your

hands off me!

I said,

getyourhands

off

me!

Come on, Roy.

Oh, you come on.

Just because I'm the only

one willing to lethal-up.

Oh, Jesus.

No, you Jesus!

Roy!

What?

He was going for the door.

I'll plant a gun on him if it

makes you feel any better.

Would you like to take this

up with Eternal Affairs?

We both know what this is

about, don't we, honey pot?

Not the time, Roy.

Why not have it out now?

I'm comfortable.

Roy, meet your new partner,

Nick Walker.

We've been over this before.

I'm a one-man operation.

Not a choice, Roy.

No. You gotta earn that.

Come on, rookie.

Grab your huevos.

Please follow

all posted regulations.

Department hygiene regulations

are for your benefit.

Tuck on in.

Don't be shy.

Goin' for a ride.

You ever think about hiding

this place a little better?

When was the last time

you got a VCR repaired?

Point taken.

That's right,

you're back.

Don't wet your pants

over it. Come on.

Don't wanna be late.

Proctor likes to

start you off

with some closure.

Get in!

Disappointing

turnout, huh?

Expected more.

We got a lot to talk about,

but for now,

I'm just gonna step back,

let you soak it in

for a minute.

This moment is

not about me.

This is about you

letting go.

Thank you for

letting me soak it in.

I'll wait for you.

All right.

Do you know

what my funeral was?

Watching a bunch of coyotes

pick my carcass clean

and drag my bones

off into a cave.

A freaking cave, hoss.

Here it comes.

Be careful, now!

Julia? Julia!

I'm here. I don't

know how, but I'm here.

I'm sorry, I don't know you.

Can we just talk?

Can we just...

Please don't touch me.

... go somewhere?

Julia? Hey, Julia!

What's your problem, huh?

You piece of sh*t.

Get out of here.

Just relax.

Get back on the meds, buddy.

Get him out of here!

Get him out of here!

Let me go!

That went well.

I tried to do

something nice for you.

What just happened?

How could

she not know it was me?

To them, you don't look like

you, you don't sound like you.

If you try to tell 'em who you

are, it comes out all garbled up.

The universe,

in its ultimate wisdom,

will not let you

reveal yourself.

It's smarter than us.

That's sick.

Consider it the universe's

witness protection program.

So, what do I look like?

Here.

These are

your IDs.

Some federal. A lot of utilities.

Whatever gets us access.

Really?

An old Chinese guy?

What about you?

Well, I guess you win, Roy.

Let me bring you up to

speed with what's on my plate.

When you ride with me,

you ride with the best.

The pace is lightning,

expectations high.

Things are gonna come at you

fast, they're gonna come hot,

and they're gonna come wet.

Wet?

Learn to drive, bimbo!

You've done this before?

Driving?

You're gonna get your feet

wet with a standard pickup.

Find the suspect

and then test him.

See if he's a Deado.

And then...

Look at the ankles

on that girl.

That's what you're into, ankles?

That's what does it for you?

In my day, women, they

dressed very conservatively.

Mmm. That makes you

way less creepy.

When exactly was your day?

1800s, buddy.

I'm what we used

to call a "lawman. "

Marshal Roicephus Pulsipher.

"Roicephus"?

t was considered a very

sexy name at the time.

It sounds like an STD.

Would you care to drive?

I didn't get a peek

at your wife's ankles.

Not one more word

about her.

Listen, rook.

You better work on getting a little

distance, because you two are over.

You just worry

about yourself, partner.

Whoa.

You ain't my partner, rook.

You're just the ass in the other

seat until I say contrary.

I had a partner.

Greatest man I ever knew.

Right up until

he shot me in the back.

That's what

"partner" will get you.

Tell me about it.

How do you think I got here?

You got shot with

a modern bullet.

I would've loved a modern bullet.

Sanitary, at least.

That's exactly how it felt as

it passed through my face.

Sanitary.

The term "partner"

died when I did.

You got it, Roicephus.

"Roicephus. "

Roicephus.

Just call me "Roy. "

I was gonna do that.

Or "Cephus. "

Now, listen up.

This is tactical, rook.

Tactical?

A bag of Indian food?

Yeah. I got a tip on a possible

Deado in this building.

Now, listen and learn.

Deados put off

a bad dead mojo.

Infect everything

with their soul stank.

Infect everything

for the worse.

People and things.

There you go. Broken

sh*t is a dead giveaway.

Ah.

Soul killers.

Hit a Deado in the head with one of

these, and it's got to be the head...

Personally, I find

the face most gratifying.

...he's erased

from the cosmos.

Won't hurt live ones,

will hurt us.

So, you be extra careful

where you point that thing.

I'm pretty solid

on gun safety.

I saw that ankle piece

you're strapping.

Live-world gun don't

do diddly-squat here.

You can keep your eyes off

my ankles, thank you.

Watch me sniff this out.

Even more promising.

It's always the quiet one.

You ready? You pumped?

I need you all here. Get

your snowman on, get frosty.

Alert, icy-hot.

Is this you trying

to sound like a cop?

Because it throws up

a lot of red flags for me.

You gotta learn the lingo,

hombrito.

I'm frosty.

Don't worry about it.

Senior officer

gets to knock, rook.

I've got 15 years

on the force.

Knock off

the "rookie" bullshit.

Oh, you've done this before?

You know what's waiting

for you behind the door?

You can take your 15 years, you

can flush it down the toilet,

because this ain't that.

I knock, you do the cards.

Stanley Nawicki.

We're with

the Department of Health.

Is there a problem?

Well, Mr. Nawicki,

we suspect that

you might be dead.

Is this really

necessary?

No offense, but you

sound kind of crazy.

None taken.

Just a routine test and

we'll be out of your hair.

I am not dead.

I mean, that's...

Check my pulse, go ahead!

Rook, first question.

"t's late

on Ash Wednesday.

"An Asian teenager

in a slammed-outAcura

"offers you a plate

of chicken vindaloo.

"Do you accept?"

How am I supposed

to answer that?

You tell me.

Okay, the answer is no.

What's the problem?

Is it the teenager?

The ash?

Is it the Japanese

performance sedan?

Maybe it's the Indian food.

What?

Maybe you hate Injuns.

No. That's...

Card.

"The teenager is Armenian.

The day is Rosh Hashanah.

"The dish is saag paneer. "

Uhm

I don't want it.

Why not?

Too spicy? Too mushy?

You...

You can't eat during an interview.

I don't want...

You don't what?

Card!

"The car is a lime-green Scion.

The season is the solstice.

"The dish is

chicken tikka masala. "

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes, it is!

The dish is chicken tikka!

The dish is chicken tikka!

Oh, yeah,

that's a Deado.

Big old mouth coming in.

Feller was

a snitch in life.

See, Nick?

Like that. Metaphorical.

For some reason, Indian

food seems to do the trick.

Maybe it's the cumin.

You can bag this one.

My treat.

No. I'm not

going near that.

Where's that

15 years now, frosty?

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