Rachel Getting Married Page #4

to be your bridesmaid

and be a part of this moment and...

Don't look at me like that.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Relax, it's seltzer.

Hello.

I'm Shiva the destroyer and your harbinger

of doom for this evening.

I would like to thank you all

for coming and welcome you.

Even though I haven't seen most of you

since my latest stretch in the big house.

But you all look fabulous.

So during the 20 minutes or so

that I was not in the hole for

making a shiv out of my toothbrush,

I actually did participate

in the infamous 12-step program.

Twelve steps.

Step-ball-change. Step-ball-change.

Still waiting for the change part.

So... But, you know, as they say,

the relapse is an almost inevitable part

of recovery.

So I get high marks in that mode.

Anywho.

I... Well, as more of you know

than are likely to admit,

one of the steps, actual steps,

is about making amends.

So, I did a lot of apologizing to people.

Some of whom barely remembered me,

most of whom barely remembered anything.

And I apologized for,

you know, like, bouncing a check,

or passing out in their bathtub

or flooding their

house and, you know,

just basically for involving them in

sordid activities that they were

desperately trying to forget. I

had to call this one girl who was,

I think, 14,

but she couldn't come to the phone

actually because

her mom had taken out

a restraining order, but...

But anyway... So I spent a lot of time...

The point is, I spent a lot of time

apologizing to people who were

pretty much perfect strangers.

So, I would very much

like to take this opportunity

to not only congratulate

my extraordinary sister,

the future explorer in matters of the mind,

thank you very much,

and her adorable, impending husband

on the occasion

of their unprecedented nuptials,

but also, to apologize

to said extraordinary sister,

future explorer in matters of the mind, for

what? I don't know. Everything.

And I really mean that, Rach. You've...

I've been a nightmare, you've been a saint,

and I'm reallyjust so damn glad

to be here with you

and Sidney's family

and our family and just...

Everyone's together and I'm just...

It's really great. So I am hereby

raising my seltzer to my laudatory sister

and herewith making amends.

Sidney, you are robbing

our dysfunctional family

of one of its most vital ingredients,

and its only member still willing to

lend me money.

- So, boo on you.

- That's not true.

Anyway, enjoy Hawaii.

- L'chaim.

- L'chaim.

One, two, one, two.

Yo, Sidney, who I met

hanging out in Kingston, Jamaica,

while we were at House of Leo,

and Stone Love was playing that night.

Those big speakers pounding,

all that Jamaican dub was pumping,

clouds of those medicinal herbs

were floating.

Man. Was a lot of fun, my man.

It was great meeting you, hanging out

with you, becoming friends with you,

seeing all the amazing things

that you're doing musically.

All I want to say to you guys is,

may you both live to be 100.

And me, 100, but minus a day,

so I'll never know beautiful people

like you have passed away.

Do your thing, baby.

I felt that. I felt that.

You drank it and I felt it.

I know.

Sidney has always nurtured me

and supported me

no matter what he's been through.

How much do you owe him?

How much money do you owe him?

In lira, it's billions.

Everyone's saying so much love

and beautiful words

and amazing stuff, and...

- This is not an award.

- I know, I'm not even using it.

You're like accepting an award here.

That's what it's about, you know,

there's nothing more.

Everything else, just destroy it.

Just destroy it.

Because without love... You know?

Hello, Olive.

I know it. It's in my head.

Oh, God, I am exhausted.

- Is there any watermelon?

- Let me see.

- Nice apology.

- What?

Nice apology.

I was toasting you

and I was making amends.

It's one of the steps. It's important.

I know what the steps are.

I learned them in school,

and I visited you in various

facilities, Kym.

Oh, God.

Dad? What?

"Amends. Noun, usually followed by 'for,'

off-set a disability

"or frustration by development

in another direction. "

- Yes.

- But you've never said anything to me

that's remotely apologetic,

yet all of sudden at my wedding dinner

in front of everybody,

you decide to grace us all

with your development.

I just got home.

"Gee. Hey, everybody and guests,

"just in case you might be thinking

about something else for five minutes,

"like, I don't know, my sister's wedding,

they just cut me loose.

"I'm a loose cannon!

Anybody up for some rehab humor?

"Because I'm really, really fine

with acknowledging my disease.

"Hey, and now watch me be really selfless

and weave a lovely blanket apology

"to my sister for being

just a tad out of her loop. "

- You are so cynical.

- Rachel, enough.

Rachel, she is making an effort here.

An effort, is that what that was?

Because I think she presumes

that since everything has always

revolved around her disease,

that everything else is going to revolve

around her recovery. That's what I think.

- Rachel, she just got home.

- Again.

- I had no idea you were so angry, Doctor.

- I'm not.

Oh, my God.

Kymmie, your sister has got

a lot on her plate right now.

- She is uptight about...

- I'm not uptight, Dad!

She's meeting Sidney's folks

for the first time, menus,

there's all this live music, you're home.

There's...

It's just that there are

a thousand things to worry about.

Absolutely. A wedding will take everything

out of you. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, and that's why it would be so lovely

if we could all...

You know, you people really need to purge.

You really should go to a Nar-Anon

or something. It's...

Now, Kym, come on, baby. Oh, my Lord.

We've been to Nar-Anon. You know that.

Wait, wait a second. You people? You mean,

your family? The people in this room?

Yes. All of you people living in

this little world ofjudgment

and paranoia and mistrust.

I can feel it all the time. It's like...

At the slightest sign of ingratitude or

absence of atonement, it's like

the f***ing Salem witch trials around here.

- I should just use again. I should.

- Don't even start that.

- Don't even start.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Kym. Kym, look at me.

Nobody can make you feel any kind of

way unless you let them. Period. The end.

Thank you, Carol,

but you people are my family.

I mean, you make me feel like sh*t

a hundred times a day.

You know what, Rach? You try living under

Dad's constant monitoring for five minutes,

- tell me how you like it.

- What constant monitoring?

- Kym?

- Oh, my God! Are you serious?

"Carol, Carol, where is she?"

"Don't sleep here, sleep here.

Eat this. You know, I'll drive you. "

Dad, really, honestly,

you're kind of obsessed.

Oh, my God. That's hardly news.

I mean, you may not know this, Kym.

No, sure you do.

I mean, the only way to engage Dad

in any meaningful communication

is to start the conversation with your name.

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