Random Tropical Paradise

Oh! Ah!

Oh, f***! Oh, f***!

Come on. Come on.

Are you sure that we should

be doing this right now?

Okay? There are people

outside waiting.

They're going to wonder

where we are.

All right, we're going to have

plenty of time after the wedding.

I don't want to wait

until after the wedding.

I want you right now.

Come on.

Come on!

Oh, god.

Christine!

What the f***?

Hey, I'm so sorry, man.

I wanted to wait until

after the wedding

but she wanted

to do this right now.

- Oh...

- Holy sh*t!

- Bowie, I need you to... -It's fine, man.

I'm gonna get out... ah!

- Oh! -Oh! Damn, dude,

that's a big wiener.

- That's a big...

- Come on, man!

- I'm sorry.

- Zip it up, please.

I mean, I don't know if

it'll fit, though, right?

Not the time. Wildly

inappropriate right now.

Can't you just focus

on the guests, please?

The wedding is obviously off.

Great. I'm here for you. You're

my little king and I love you.

You...

You're garbage trash.

And I always knew that.

I can't wait to

never see you again.

Garbage trash.

And you, I don't like you

either, but I respect

what's going on down there.

Let's get out of here.

- I'm really sorry, man.

- F*** off.

- Yup.

- Yeah.

So,

you know this is

all your fault, right?

Hi.

- -Hello.

My name is

Beauregard Pemberton iv.

For those of you who don't know me

I am the best man for this wedding

betwixt my dear friend Harry

and his surprisingly

accommodating fiancee Christine.

You guys don't get that joke,

that's for sure. Uh...

First of all, I'd just like to start

by saying that I am very happy

that everyone from

Harry's bachelor party

made it out and is here

and not dead.

Wes, those eyebrows

are growing back.

Good for you, bud.

Anyway, that's not

why I'm here, guys.

I'm here to

tell you guys a story.

A story of waiting.

Waiting for that perfect moment.

That perfect day.

This story is about a young boy.

Let's just call him

me.

This story is about

that young boy's

unbridled love

for guns n' roses.

Now in the mid to late '90s

you guys have to understand

that coming off

the giant success

of both

use your illusions I and ii,

anticipation was high

because this young boy

was finally old enough

to attend his

first guns n' roses concert.

Snake dancing

in front of the mirror,

picking out that

perfect bandana.

It was red, of course.

And when that night came for

the concert he was there,

in that arena,

section 352, row Q, seat 77.

That's when that...

Son of a b*tch announcer

came over the loudspeaker.

I always have

trouble with this part.

Paradise city,

wherever it exists...

was not in

Atlanta, Georgia that day.

Guns n' roses had broken up.

So I think I explained

everything pretty good.

I'll open up the floor

to some questions.

Even though I'm not

quite sure which one of them

is the Axl in this situation.

I'm going to have to

get some more details later.

Nobody?

You don't even want to ask me what

my favorite song is? Civil war.

Guys, the wedding is not

happening is what I'm saying.

What?

Okay, calm down.

Calm down, it's fine.

I thought I really

walked you guys into that.

I feel like

you guys are overreacting.

Hey, guys, guys, guys. It's

fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Okay, the road to happiness

is not a straight path, okay?

It's bumpy.

If Harry and Christine

want to make it work

they will make it work,

okay, guys?

Look at guns n' roses.

They figured it out.

I mean sure, slash and

the band were irreplaceable.

But the buckethead years

were all right

and Chinese democracy

had like two good songs.

Plus we got velvet revolver

out of it

and those guys f***ing rule.

So it could be worse.

Guns n' roses is happy.

I'm happy.

Harry will be happy.

Christine is a b*tch.

And, hey, GNR kind of

got back together.

Anything is possible.

The kids will be all right.

That's all I'm saying.

Ooh.

Oh, f***.

F***.

F***!

F***.

F***!

Okay, that is it

for the wedding.

Thank you guys so much.

Um, I will see you

at the next one.

"To Harry and Christine,

"may you share the most romantic of

meals together over these dishes.

"Love Joey and Britney."

That's like, really nice.

Yeah.

- Pull!

Dude, in all fairness,

there are game of thrones weddings that

were less bloody than yours today.

- Not really funny. -But look

at it on the bright side.

At least you found out

before you married her.

Yeah, five minutes before.

Yeah, that's

still before though.

I mean, otherwise

you would have been having sloppy seconds

on your own wedding night, dude.

Also not funny.

Uh, excuse me?

Yeah, hey.

Uh, we're not really sure

what you want us to do here.

- Yeah, so I think we're just

going to, um, go. -Take off.

No, no, please stay.

Everything's fine.

I already paid you guys.

If he wants you to stay

then you f***ing stay.

Okay? He had a sh*t day,

he almost married a skank

and he's a prince amongst men!

It's his wedding night!

And this is

the wedding reception

but it's not a wedding reception

without a wedding band.

It's not a wedding reception

without a wedding.

Psycho.

Please don't make me write you

guys a bad review on yelp.

Oh, he yelps like a maniac!

- He's like an angry mama

on that thing!

Okay...

Play a song.

- One song!

- Thank you.

- That was a lot. -Had

to get my point across.

Sure. Anyway, dude,

this could be

a blessing in disguise.

Look at all our married friends.

What do they have in common?

That they're all married?

They're in captivity!

That's what marriage is.

They have that same glazed-over

look that lions at the zoo have.

You know why you've never

heard a lion at the zoo roar?

Because I'm a grown man

and I don't go to the zoo?

Okay, I'm a grown man and I

go to the zoo all the time.

- Is there something weird about it?

- It's kind of weird.

I got an annual pass.

What, am I not gonna use it?

That's ridiculous!

Does your lion metaphor

have a point?

You never hear lions

roar at the zoo

because you need

f***ing balls to roar, man!

- They're good.

- Yeah, like, really good.

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

How did we get here, man?

Well, my hillbilly cousin gave

me this gun as a wedding present

and now we're using it to destroy

all the other wedding presents.

- No, not here...

Man, how did we get here

in life?

How could you stay with

someone so long,

let alone almost marry them,

when the whole time

you guys were together

she treated you so...

I don't know what the word...

'Cause I don't want to offend you,

because you're

a fragile guy right now.

What is the word

I'm looking for?

- Cold?

- Cunty.

Careful.

I don't know, man.

When you're in something, you only

see what you want to see, right?

And I saw the girl that

I was supposed to marry.

On paper she was perfect.

I mean, so was Bitcoin

when you think about it.

You never suspected this?

No, actually,

I didn't see this coming.

I totally thought this would be

more of a murder-suicide situation.

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