Random Tropical Paradise Page #2

Yeah. Wait, what?

Oh, she was going to kill you,

dude. That's for sure.

But then I like to think

in my fantasy world,

she would at least

have the courage

to turn the gun

on herself afterwards.

Is this the sh*t

you actually think about?

I know, right? It's weird.

Okay, do you guys know real songs

at all or do you just eavesdrop?

She checked all the boxes.

- Oh this one, okay. Let's hear 'em.

Okay.

Number one, she had a good job.

You paid for everything!

- She's pretty... -She never

f***ed you, so who cares?

She comes from

a really good family.

Dude, her dad

called me the n-word.

We had a plan.

Harry, I know you have plans.

You f***ing love plans.

But you need to realize

that plan sucked.

If you felt this way, why is this the

first time I'm hearing about it?

Hey, what do you think

about Christine?

She's cool, right?

No, dude. She f***ing sucks.

Anyway, do not

propose to Christine, man.

She f***ing sucks.

What?

Your fiancee f***ing sucks, man.

I don't know, man,

I guess there was

just never a good time

to bring it up.

That's probably the flight Christine and I

were supposed to go on for our honeymoon.

What island were you guys

going to? I forgot.

Rancho para.

Supposed to be amazing.

Dude, let's go!

Just missed the flight.

Yeah, but you

canceled the hotel?

No, I couldn't.

It was too close to check-in.

- I'm just going to have to eat it.

- No, you don't.

Not if you and me go!

- What, you and me?

- Yeah!

How would we even get there?

Dude, I got a guy.

- You got a guy?

- I got a guy.

What does that even mean?

You're always so vague.

It means I know a guy.

He runs shuttles back and forth

to the islands for my company.

I'll hop on as a "business

trip" and you ride for free.

You're my best friend, I have no

idea what you do for a living.

Doesn't matter! You've got

your bags packed, right?

- Yeah. -So let's go, man, this

is gonna be f***ing awesome!

Dude, f*** your honeymoon.

That was going to suck.

This is you and me going out.

It's not a honeymoon.

This is like, uh...

Dude, this is a f***ing bromoon.

I think "homiemoon" is funnier.

Yeah, see, look, it is funnier.

That's how excited you are,

you're making puns!

I'm going to use homiemoon,

that's f***ing hilarious!

- It's not that exciting. -You're

so excited for this homiemoon.

Dude, we've got to

get out of here.

Look at how f***ing

depressing this place is.

It's like the

limp bizkit reunion tour.

Hey, man, we had

fun at that show.

We had a great time but the crowd wasn't

into it and it took me out, personally.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just

go in to work tomorrow.

F*** you, man. I'm going

to f***ing kill you.

Are you kidding?

You're going to do what you think

you're supposed to do, again.

Look at what doing what you're

supposed to do did to you today.

You almost married a whore!

Hey, come on, man,

it still hurts.

I know, I'm sorry.

I get excited.

I forget that you're fragile.

I love you.

Come here, my baby boy.

I'm sorry I hurt

your feelings just then.

But don't worry, this is going

to be a fun-ass homiemoon.

Okay, don't overuse it.

Thanks, dude.

You guys are wonderful, actually,

I was wrong about you.

Where are we going?

I told you, dude, gate z-98.

Z? I see a and b.

Ah, perfect timing. Give me that.

Give me that.

You got it from the closet

we don't talk about, right?

Cool, this is going into my file.

Get out of here.

- What was that? -It was one of my interns.

I had him get my go bag.

- How many interns do you have?

- Seven.

Can you and I

talk about this closet?

So is this it?

Well, all the signs say gate z.

- Who's this guy?

- Oh, that's Mike.

Mike?

Yeah, well his friends

call him corn

on account of he tells

really lame jokes

but he's a hell

of a poker player

and really good at disc golf,

despite the fact that he lost

half of his index finger

in a thrashing machine

accident when he was nine.

It's a real bummer but

he's found a way to adapt.

How do you know all this?

I don't know all that, Harry!

You're asking a ton

of questions, okay?

I don't know everything

about everybody.

That's clearly just a homeless guy.

Where'd he go?

Who... who are you?

Who sent you?

How long was I there?

Did Miguel send you?

I don't know a Miguel.

Shh! That's exactly what

Miguel would want you to say.

We're just trying to get

to Rancho para.

I'm looking for

a guy named Randy.

Bowie?

- Randy? Hey!

- Hey!

All right.

Randy!

- Hey!

- Hey!

And you must be Harry.

- Yeah. -Ah, the guy who almost

married the town jizz mop.

Don't blame me,

you know I like to gossip.

Hey, don't sweat it.

At least you two

found each other.

And it wouldn't have happened

without her.

That's the most important thing.

- Wait, what do you think that this is?

- Yeah?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Just two best friends

going on a trip for two together

to a tropical paradise

- with matching tuxes.

- Oh, sh*t.

I actually think we look badass.

We look like Sommeliers.

Follow me, guys. Come on.

Why are you talking about

west African pirates?

We look like butlers.

Yeah, Geoffrey from the fresh

prince f***ing rules, it's fine.

Sun-kissed airlines

would like to

make the announcement

that flight one to Rancho para

is now ready to board.

Now, we'd like to

start off the boarding process

with all of our

first class passengers,

frequent flyer medallion members

and anyone traveling with a

wheelchair or small children.

-You're welcome to board.

Also, we'd like to announce

that this flight is overbooked.

Anyone who's willing to

give up their ticket

will receive a voucher

- of $400...

- Ooh.

- for your next flight.

Okay, what's up?

Can I help y'all?

- We're the only two people here.

- Yeah.

Come on, man,

I'm just messing with y'all.

- Come on, you guys.

- Oh, that was...

- You guys...

You were joking.

- Because I thought...

- Ah!

It's funny looking back,

but at the time

- I did not...

- It was pretty brutal.

- Yeah. -Anyways, the

more important thing is

let's get you two

love birds in the air.

Right this way, gentlemen.

- Are you sure you want to do this?

- Do what?

I wouldn't trust this guy

with my dry cleaning.

We're going to let him

fly a plane that we're in?

Harry, f***ing relax, okay?

Literally no one has ever

died in a plane crash.

What are you talking about?

JFK Jr.

- John Denver. Aaliyah.

- Okay, three.

Three people in the history of

aviation, that's pretty good, Harry.

I think you should

fact-check that.

Hey, Randy,

you ever crash this thing?

Yeah.

And look at him,

he's doing great.

Hey, guys, guys.

I've got two parachutes and a

flotation device. We're good.

See? We're good!

I like you, Randy.

I like you a bunch.

I got dibs on the parachute.

All right, the meal on today's

flight is shut the hell up

and the in-flight movie is strap

on and hold on to your d*cks.

Or each other's.

Whatever you're into.

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