Reach Me Page #2

- Nobody loves a favor more than me.

- It'll be yours exclusively.

But it better have veracity,

truthfulness, and authenticity.

If you can bring that, you call

me back. If you can't, forget it.

- All right.

- All right, bye.

These guys get elected.

This is obviously a pseudonym.

- Yeah, I'd say so.

- So why's he anonymous?

I don't trust anonymous people.

Something stinks here.

Gerald, look. There's wars

breaking out all over the world.

There's massive unemployment,

global warming.

I need to write about something

with some sort of substance.

- Please, my brain is atrophying.

- Yeah, we don't want that.

Could we chat out on the patio?

When are you gonna stop being

a slave to your addiction?

Really, it's a disgusting

and repulsive habit,

and that's why you don't have a girlfriend.

What woman wants to kiss an ash tray?

Now, look around, women are

fine-tuned instruments. Like a lute.

Man, you, me, we're like

blunt instruments,

and we get where we want by smashing

through things with sheer will.

Women? They use sheer skill. That's why

we're never gonna meet in the middle.

That's why you're never gonna out-debate a

woman, because logically, she will bury you.

That's why you say, "you're right,

you're right, you're right".

And you'll do anything for her.

You'll keep your breath fresh for her

so you're appealing,

so you can be kissed,

'cause empires are built on a kiss.

You're not following this, are you?

- Let's go.

- I've tried everything. All right?

Gum, pills, the patch,

hypnosis, acupuncture.

Christ, I even tried chime therapy.

Nothing works for me.

Will you please give

Leland the story?

I don't want Leland.

I want my favorite weasel, you.

- Gerald...

- Gerald what?

You don't want to do this anymore?

He went to Yale to be a serious writer,

but what he is, is a serious

Internet journal hack.

He wants to be a great novelist,

but what he's great at is gossip

and doesn't know his limitations.

You know, I think it's more important to

know what you're not than what you are.

Oh, by the way, no one's writing

great novels. They're writing sexy books.

People are more interested in what's

going on in each other's underpants

- than in their soul. Thanks.

- Take it easy.

Tell you what, Roger, shave your beard,

cut your hair, put on a sport coat,

make yourself presentable, and then

you find this Teddy Raymond.

If he turns out to

be the elephant man,

I'll put you in the hard news right

at the top of the home page.

Do not fail me.

Shut the door.

Ciao.

If I catch you with a cigarette or a

pack of matches or anywhere near fire,

that will put you in

violation of your parole.

I wanna hear from you the minute you're

settled in. Has anything I said been unclear?

- No, it's very clear.

- All right, now, who's picking you up?

I'm taking the overnight bus to

Redondo Beach. My niece is picking me up.

- She's from London.

- Have you any idea what you want to do?

- I'm wearing it.

- What?

I made this dress in vocational.

Here's a book of my designs.

Have you ever heard of Teddy Raymond?

You know, you're a very

lucky lady, Colette,

because I know it was you who cracked

that chair over Gloria's back.

You better be a good

little girl outside,

or you're gonna be right back here

serving out your time and more.

I'm ready to go.

Can I help you?

Hey, Dom, you ever sat down

and outlined your goals?

- Goals?

- Yeah, you know, what you want to do.

- Like what?

- I don't know.

Look, you got this book in a

McDonald's bathroom. Forget about it!

It tells you how to realize your

full potential. What's potential?

It means doing what you're

supposed to do. Okay?

I can't kill Tommy's dog.

If Frank's paying us for that,

that's what you do.

I can't. You know I can't. You do it.

There's no way I'm getting

near that Nazi dog.

When I was in second grade, best friend,

before I met you, he lived next door to me.

His name was Jimmy, and Jimmy had one.

He got in an argument with this Indian kid.

Like, he's from India with

the red dot and the turban.

Anyway, the Indian

kid goes to hit Jimmy,

and Jimmy's dachshund

jumps up, and he...

he bites the Indian kid on

the lip, and he don't let go.

I'll never forget it to this day.

I'm seven years old,

and the poor turban, it's ruined for life

all because of this Nazi weiner dog.

No way I'm getting near it. No way.

Gracias.

Besides, he told you to shoot it.

He looked at you when he said it.

Hi.

- You want to go first?

- That's not funny.

- All right, I was just kidding.

- Why are you here?

- You sound stressed. Are you stressed?

- No, I'm not stressed. I'm fine, yes.

- Okay, okay. All right.

- How about you?

Well...

Father, I did it again.

Bank robber this time.

- Bank robbers.

- Bank robbers.

How many men have you killed, Wolfie?

- 431/2.

- A half?

- Yeah.

- A half?

Well, two of us did

this one guy, you know,

but that was at the same time,

so we both got credit.

44 men.

They're all bad guys, father.

These are bad guys, you know?

They're all killers. I mean, the world's

a better place without these men.

Yeah, well maybe, maybe,

but you're not a good guy, Wolfie.

You're using the law as a shield.

That's why you come here to absolve

your sins, because you feel guilty.

You've appointed yourself an

agent of divine retribution,

but that's God's role, not yours.

Thou shall not kill!

- I can't help it.

- Yes, yes.

- You can help it.

- How?

- Quit the L.A.P.D.

- I don't know how to do anything else.

Five hail Marys, three our fathers.

- You know what to do next.

- Yeah... wait, father. Wait. Hey.

Let's lock it up. Nice and quiet,

please. Picture's up.

Is this your first time

doing a love scene?

- Yeah.

- Well, don't worry. I've done 100 of 'em.

Best thing to do is not think

about it too much, you know?

Otherwise you can get inside your head.

You know what I mean?

- Right.

- Just relax and let it happen, okay?

- Okay. Thank you.

- Yeah.

Governor?

Bra strap.

Oh, Eve, can you take your bra off?

We're only gonna see your face.

We're shooting you

from the shoulders up.

You know, if it's a problem

they can band-aid your nipples.

Band-aid my nipples?

Yeah, you know, if you feel uncomfortable

with them touching my chest, you know?

After all, we have only

just met each other.

No. No, it's... it's...

if the... I mean, if the camera's

not gonna see anything then...

- No.

- I guess it's okay.

You sure? 'Cause I don't want

you doing anything you'll regret.

- No, it... no, it's fine.

- Yeah?

- I'll just...

- Okay.

Wardrobe, got a bra coming out here.

- Okay. You're making love, phone rings.

- Yeah.

- There's triple homicide.

- Okay.

Leap out of bed, grab your gear,

and you're out of here. Adios.

- Cool, got it.

- Got it? Okay.

When do I say my line?

I'm getting my S.A.G. Card.

- This will be my first speaking role.

- Oh, okay.

Oh. Thank you.

So he... he gets out of bed,

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