Real Time Page #2

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without a smoke, you know?

I don't know.

What?

Spill it.

There's a woman,

works over on Regent,

looks kind of like Rosie Perez.

Is that what you want to do,

get a hooker?

I don't know, Reuben.

Hey, if that's what you want,

I mean, then fine.

I'm-I'm just asking.

Man, let's see.

Art gallery,

Rosie Perez look-alike naked.

Stare at f***ing polar bears,

see Rosie Perez look-alike naked.

I mean-

It's your hour.

If that's what you want to do.

You don't like Rosie Perez.

You-you don't think

she's a good actress.

No, I like her fine.

And she's f***ing hot as balls, right?

Yeah, hot as balls.

And I don't want to die

knowing that I could have f***ed

a piece of ass

that looked just like her, do you?

Like I said, Andy,

it's your hour.

Well, here's Regent.

You want to head down that way?

There's no right answer, Andy.

If that's what you want to do...

Hmm.

Let's go in, Andy.

Okay.

I mean, look, it's definitely

not gonna take an hour, Reuben.

I don't think I even really

want to f*** her.

I just want her to, like,

take her clothes off

and look at her,

you know.

We can go see the polar bears after,

if you want.

Hey, it's not about me,

honestly.

- Do what you want.

- Yeah.

Okay, it's just up here

a little bit more.

Here?

That don't look like

no Rosie Perez to me.

That's your idea of Rosie Perez?

No, f***.

That's, like, her mother

or f***ing aunt or something.

That's-ah, jeez.

No, no, it's okay.

No, no, no, it's okay.

No, don't.

Don't-it's okay.

No, it's okay.

Do you want a date?

No.

No, thank you.

No?

No, uh...

Is your daughter working today?

My daughter?

Or-or your niece?

Looks like Rosie Perez?

Do you want head?

No, thank you.

Maybe some time later.

Awesome, but thank you.

You see?

That's the sort of luck I have.

I finally get the nerve

to come down here, and-sh*t.

What?

Is your daughter working?

What?

I was perfectly cordial.

How much money you got?

I already told you,

60 bucks.

Give me $50.

Why?

Just do it.

Oh, motherfuck!

Hey, sugarpuss.

Say, my young friend here,

he got so excited at the sight

of your sweet face

and your-your hot body,

that he-

well, he threw a little party

in his pants.

So, I figure

he owes you this.

Okay, fine.

Yo, what the f*** was that?

Is getting hookers

really what you want to do

with your last day on Earth, huh?

Well, what am I supposed to do, like,

f***in' find that special someone,

settle down, have a family?

Now what are you doing?

Am I gonna have to take my seatbelt off?

Get out.

Now take a look around.

What?

Just around.

Well, we live in a sh*t hole.

I already knew that, Reuben.

It's not a sh*t hole.

It's home.

It's where we live.

Don't you feel anything

when you look at this, Andy?

Yeah, sure.

Anger, depression, hepatitis.

Come here.

- Get up there.

- What?

Get up on the hood of the car.

- Why?

- Just do it.

Ah, f***.

What do you see?

A sh*t hole from a slightly

higher perspective.

Try taking a harder look,

funny man.

What do you see?

Ugly street...

ugly ass f***ing buildings.

That's you, Andy.

That's you out there.

Almost everything

that ever happened to you

happened right here,

right here in this city.

Right?

Yeah, right.

Get down.

Jesus.

What are you,

Fred Dryer?

Buckle up.

I just can't believe you.

You don't care

about anything...

or anyone.

Isn't there somebody out there

that you want to look at

one last time, huh?

Say good-bye to?

What, did you want to go see

Mom's gravestone

or meet my f***ing deadbeat dad?

Or we-you want to watch

an ex-girlfriend

chuck a plate

at my f***ing head?

Come on, Andy,

now, there must be somebody.

I don't know.

Maybe we could go see my grandma.

Where's Grandma?

East.

Great.

We have to head that way anyway.

So you close with your grandmother?

Yeah, we're pretty tight.

That's weird.

You never talked about her

over the years.

That's weird?

Yeah, I don't think

you've ever mentioned her.

Well, what the hell

was I gonna say to you?

Hey, Reuben, you know

what's pretty cool?

My grandmother actually plays

bingo every Tuesday night.

Or here, interesting fact:

I don't think my grandmother's

had sex in 38 years.

Fair enough.

Besides, you know,

I haven't seen her in a while.

No?

How long?

I don't know, like, three,

four years, maybe.

Four years?

I thought you said you were close.

We-we were.

When I was little, you know,

Dad was gone,

and Mom was doing her thing,

so I ended up at Grandma's a lot,

and, oh, she had so much food,

Ding Dongs and Twinkies

and Jos. Louis

and-and all sorts of pop,

like, every f***ing color of pop,

the red pop, the white pop,

even f***ing green pop.

Bunch of f***ing cats

to play with.

Bought me a Nintendo,

bought me a BMX,

one of those Play-Doh

barbershop kit things

that you make the hair with.

I mean, f***.

Why haven't you kept in touch?

I, you know-

I owe her some money.

Hmm.

And I stole some sh*t from her,

pawned it all off

and then lost it all

at the native casino.

That's a pretty shitty thing

to do to your grandma.

Oh, I know,

I know, I know.

I-I thought I was gonna win,

and I'd buy it all back, you know?

I was sure I was gonna win.

I want to show you something.

Do you want to go play golf?

No, I hate golf.

There's a story

behind that club, though.

What, you, like, beat somebody

to death with it or something?

No, I made a hole in one with it.

I thought you hate golf.

I do.

But a friend, he dragged me out

to play with him one day.

This was, '85, maybe,

a few years

before I came over.

And I got to the first tee,

and he showed me

how to strike the ball.

So I hunker down over it,

and I take a swing,

and I hit the ball

straight for the green.

It bounces four times

and goes plunk,

right in the hole.

No.

Yep.

Your first f***ing shot ever?

Yep.

My buddy fell on the ground.

He couldn't believe it.

He said-he said,

"Most golfers never get a hole in one

in their whole life, ever."

Jesus.

So what'd you do?

Well, I told my friend,

"I'm keeping this club,"

and I left.

- You left.

- Yeah, I went home.

I figured it wasn't going to get

any better than that.

What was the point of going on?

I like to keep it with me.

Little reminder of something I got right.

Not the shot.

That was bullshit,

but actually walking away

at the right moment.

How often do we do that?

# Four men in a rock and roll band #

# Fly at night,

in the morning we land #

# Fly at night

till we're satisfied #

# See the morning

from the other side #

# And when you close your eyes #

# Sleep comes fast #

# When you fly the universe #

You want to hear my

one in a million hole in one?

Yeah.

All right.

About five years ago,

back when I was still living

on the east end,

I wake up one morning,

and I have got the feeling

like I've never had it.

I got the f***ing King Midas

going big time.

Like, I knew it,

knew it, knew it, knew it,

knew I was gonna

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