Rebirth Page #2

[lock clicks]

What?

[music playing over TV]

[man] For the best outcome, we recommend

checking into a hotel the night before,

away from the distractions of loved ones.

Set your humidifier to 85 percent.

Remove your clothes.

Relax. Visualize the events of your life

leading to this moment.

Breathe.

Set your alarm a few hours

before your shuttle's departure time

and practice the series of power poses

shown earlier in this video.

[Distorted] Breathe.

[chuckles] What?

You are now centering your intentions

for the day's journey

and are fully prepared.

[Distorted] Breathe.

Hey. Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, hey, hey!

Wait, wait. Oh, come on. I...

I couldn't find you guys.

Thank you.

Hello?

I, uh...

Excuse me.

Oh!

Excuse me. Ahem. Hi.

Oh, well. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey,

are you going to the Rebirth thing?

I found the clues or whatever. [chuckles]

Up in one of the rooms. It's pretty cool.

Um...

Wait, wait, wait. Hey, hey, wait!

The deeper you look, the more you see.

Come on.

All right.

Did I get it?

I don't think you're ready

to get on this bus.

Oh.

Do you always give up this easy?

No, no, no. But you said no.

Hey.

Hey. Can I get on the bus, please?

Sir, may I get on the bus?

I'm getting on the bus.

[chuckles]

Hey. Ahem.

Oh. Uh...

And what's that for?

What's that...?

All right. Are we good? Uh...

Mind if I squeeze in?

Do you know Zack? Zack West.

Zachary West? My friend? He's...

All right. Hey. How's it going?

Excuse me. Sorry.

So, hey, uh, do you mind if I sit there?

It's the only seat.

Is that your bag? I'll just...

I'll just hold onto it, all right?

I'll just hold onto it. Thank you.

Well, this is super-creepy.

Why are the windows covered?

Is everyone done with their forms?

Hold them up like this.

Everyone done?

Please relinquish your cell phones.

Over the next two days,

you're about to experience

actual person-to-person contact.

Some of you will find this

highly disturbing.

Do not worry.

You will be safely re-tethered

with the hive mind after the weekend.

We will not make you do anything

against your morals.

You are free to leave whenever you want.

Would anybody like me

to pull over the bus now and call a cab?

Rebirth is not for everyone.

You can return

to the zombie world right now.

No one knows you're here.

And no one will think

anything less of you.

Would anyone like to leave?

Good.

Now get your war paint on.

[brakes hiss]

[man 1 over PA] Do not speak.

Do not remove your blindfold.

If you speak, you will be asked to leave.

If you remove your blindfold,

you will be asked to leave.

Do not speak.

Do not remove your blindfold.

If you speak, you will be asked to leave.

[man 2] Everybody stop!

...you will be asked to leave.

[alarm blaring]

Do not speak. Do not...

[air hissing]

...you will be asked to leave.

If you remove your blindfold,

you will be asked to leave.

[man 2] Proceed!

[man 3 yelling]

[man 4] Shut up!

Put that on, you piece of sh*t.

[man 3] I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll be good!

[metal detector squeaking]

[dog barking]

[man 5] Halt.

Remove your hands

from the man in front of you.

Do not speak.

You may now remove your blindfolds.

Welcome to your Rebirth.

Oh...

[over speakers] I said

Welcome to your rebirth

[woman vocalizes over speakers]

[explosive noise]

[hip-hop music playing over speakers]

[man 1] Yeah.

[man 2] Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

[man 3] Hey, hey, hey.

[man 4] There he is.

[all cheering]

[all chanting] Rebirth! Rebirth! Rebirth!

That's nice. I don't really know

what to say, though.

- Just tell the truth, brother.

- [man 5] Yeah.

Okay. Well, if I must, then...

- Welcome home.

- [man 2] Yeah!

[man 3] Yeah!

I said, welcome the f*** home!

[all cheering]

[whooping]

Two days. We've got two days to do this.

And then we've gotta go back out there.

Back to their bullshit.

[crowd] Yeah.

[man 6] That's right.

Two days and two rules.

The first rule, the most important rule,

the golden rule,

the alpha and omega rule,

is you can leave any time you want.

[man 1] Yeah.

[man 2] Exactly.

- [man 3] Yeah!

- What's rule number two, guys?

[all] No leaders!

Yeah, no leaders, okay?

What's rule number three?

[all] No spoilers!

You can't tell your friends

what Rebirth is all about.

Just tell them to get their asses

down here.

[man 4] Yeah.

[man 5] Yeah.

Now, the last rule, the platinum rule,

the rule to end all rules is what?

[all] No spectators!

F***ing no spectators.

I remember the first time I made it

through that hotel into Rebirth.

I thought I was a big deal.

- You know, I own three houses.

- [man 1] Yeah.

I got boats in two different oceans.

I haven't flown coach in four years.

I don't need this Rebirth bullshit.

[crowd] Yeah.

And then I realized.

The man you are

before you come to Rebirth...

...doesn't mean jack-f***ing-sh*t!

[all cheering]

[man 1]

Didn't mean sh*t.

Out there is just an image

you create for the zombie world.

- You don't get to be a zombie in here.

- [man 2] No.

You've gotta murder

your inner zombie here.

[all] Yeah!

You've gotta wrap it in plastic

and stuff a towel in its mouth

- to shut it the f*** up.

- [all] Yeah!

Then you gotta drive it in a car

to a goddamn hole in a desert.

[all cheering]

By the way, how many fetuses

do we have here today?

[all laugh]

Newbies, how many new people?

Get your hands up, let's see it.

All right, you guys may have heard

some scary things about Rebirth.

Who's heard scary things?

You, what scares you about Rebirth?

Nothing.

[all laugh]

Well, I can't argue with that.

Um, all right, how about...

you, big man?

Uh...

Uh...

Nothing.

[man 1] What?

[host] F*** me.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Did you really just make the same joke

that guy made five seconds ago?

What did we say

the most important rule was?

Uh...

- Hello?

- You can leave whenever you want.

All right? Wasn't that...?

No spectators.

- You know why we say that? Hello?

- Uh... Oh.

Hello? Hello? Is anybody home?

- Because, um...

- Because spectators judge.

Right? They just sit back,

they don't take risks.

And they just criticize,

criticize, criticize...

[blathering]

It's like those pussies on the Internet

taking shots at the successful people.

Where are you from, by the way?

- Uh, Minnesota originally.

- Minnesota.

Oh, man, Minnesota.

Minnesota. Minne-Minne-Minne-Minnesota.

Land of the stoics.

Land of good common sense.

I think Mr. Minnesota thinks

he's too good for us.

Are you too good for us, Minnesota?

- No.

- They can't hear you.

- What's your name?

- Kyle.

Kyle. You think you're too good

for us, Kyle?

No, all right? No. [chuckles]

Yes, you do. You know how I know?

When I saw you walk in here,

everybody else was dancing

and letting it all hang out,

and you're thinking:

"I'm too cool for this.

Self-help is for losers."

And do you know how I know?

Because I was scared my first time too.

I'm gonna let you off the hook now, Kyle.

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