Red Garters

The West is big and gaudy

The laws are very few

A man can do the living here

That he hankers to

Now everybody has a gun

That's their calling card

And even when they're having fun

they never drop their guard

For our entertainment

the barroom is the place

Every man's a king of hearts

every girl an ace

That's why we wear the minimum

red garters, hooray

And to see the maximum

they come from miles away

With a whoop and a holler

and a dime and a dollar

I'm a lucky son of a gun

Wherever I go I guess you know

I tip my hat to none

I'm just a rolling stone

I wander on my own

And always take my own advice

I've traveled every trail

and never been in jail

'Course I deserved it once or twice

With a whoop and a holler

and a dime and a dollar

I'm a lucky son of a gun

Wherever I go I guess you know

I tip my hat to none

Kind of crowded, ain't it?

And when I leave a town

And get to bedding down

I kind of wink up at the stars

Nobody knows my name

They only know I came

And drank my weight in all the bars

With a whoop and a holler

and a dime and a dollar

I'm a lucky son of a gun

Wherever I go I guess you know

I tip my hat to none

I tip my hat

to none

-I got you, stranger.

-You sure have, bub.

-Hey, where is everybody?

-They're up at the big doing.

Big doing?

Big doing?

Yeah, Robin Randall Rest In Peace Barbecue.

-That's nice.

-I got to stay home.

I'm being punished.

And just for shooting up the schoolhouse.

That's too bad.

Hey, mister, who you gunning for?

Why, bub, whatever gave you such a notion?

You're talking to the kid that shot up

the schoolhouse, remember?

Think I don't know what it means

when a guy wears his six-gun slung low...

and tied down, like you're doing?

Come on.

Come on, boy.

Whoa!

Horsie, whoa!

Whoa, boy!

Steady now. Attaboy.

Attaboy. He'll be okay now.

If you went to all that trouble

just to make my acquaintance...

I assure you, you wasted your time.

Nothing will come of it.

Why, ma'am, I didn't make your horse

act up that way.

-That was Comanche's idea.

-Who's Comanche?

Comanche is my horse,

only he don't know it.

He thinks he's people, and he hates horses.

-Your horse hates horses?

-Yes, ma'am.

In fact, he's the kind of a horse

that if he was a man...

he'd be a horse thief.

So, if you don't mind, ma'am...

I'll just ride along with you

and catch Comanche...

before he gets into some bad trouble.

I guess you had better.

I don't think

we've ever had a horse in our jail.

Okay. Come on, boy.

-It sure is nice to see you again, ma'am.

-Thank you, stranger.

To see me again?

When did we ever meet before?

We've never exactly met before,

but I've sure enough seen you an awful lot.

-When? Where?

-All the time.

Every place I go. Inside here.

Where do you come from, stranger?

Where you going? Why are you here?

I come from all over,

on my way to everywhere.

-But first I've got a little job to do.

-What sort of a job?

You know, in the spring,

in the Osage country...

millions of flowers grow in the fields

and they're all the color of your eyes.

You talk real nice, stranger.

Ki-yi, big doings

had a killing

Lost a villain

Robin Randall is

Mr. Randall is dead

Hallelujah

Where he went is so remote

Hallelujah

He won't need his overcoat

Ki-yi, big doings

Folks are buzzing

by the dozen

And the scandal is

Robin Randall is dead

-Yes, sir, it's a lovely day, isn't it, folks?

-Yeah!

Yeah. There you are, Robin Randall,

right where we want you.

Belly-up and with your boots on.

Yes, sir, it sure is a lovely day.

And smell that barbecue.

Come on back here! Where're your manners?

You might at least wait till we finish paying

our final respects to the guest of honor.

-Hurry it up, Jason.

-I'm hurrying. Give me time.

If I got to make this speech,

I don't want to make it just for myself.

Now, if we had a preacher...

I suppose he might try to intercede for

Robin and get him off with a light sentence.

I, being merely

an attorney-at-law, however...

can only plead him

guilty of every sin in the book...

and throw him on the mercy

of that higher court...

from the judgment of which,

there is no appeal.

-Jason, that is very nice.

-Thank you, Rafael.

In a way, Robin has really

fulfilled a lifelong ambition.

Because besides being a bully,

a cheat, a coward and a horse thief...

he was also a claim-jumper

and a land-grabber.

Robin, now you got your land,

six feet of it...

all to yourself!

Now, we're gonna leave you,

Robin Randall. We're gonna....

Jason...

aren't you satisfied

with one funeral at a time?

Anybody who rides with Susana...

without getting my permission

is begging for trouble.

He's a stranger, Jason.

He doesn't know any better.

What's upsetting you, ma'am?

I think you'd better go look for Comanche

before he bites somebody. Goodbye.

-Giddyap, boy.

-Thanks.

-Wonder who the stranger is.

-Why don't you ask him?

It's obvious to me, stranger...

that you are unaware

of the true nature of these proceedings.

We're not dedicating a monument.

We're merely planting a scoundrel

by the name of Robin Randall.

There's no reason for you

to unnecessarily expose your naked skull...

to the wrath of the elements.

Down here in Limbo County, California...

we remove our hats for very few things

and he don't happen to be one of them.

Look, mister, no man tells me

what to do with my hat...

unless he's man enough to wear it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I don't think there's room

for more than one body in that grave...

and he's being neglected.

So now we leave you, Robin Randall,

resting in the bosom of the Earth...

the surface of which you've

so long desecrated by your presence.

The line for the barbecue

forms at the right...

after which there'll be athletic contests

and games of skill for one and all.

-You care to join us, stranger?

-Be happy to, ma'am.

Howdy, stranger. My name is Billy Buckett.

I know it ain't none of my business,

but ain't you the fellow--

You're right, Billy,

it ain't none of your business.

My name is Carberry. Jason Carberry.

I want a word with you about

that young lady you drove here with.

I plumb forgot to ask her name.

Her name is

Miss Susana Martinez De La Cruz.

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

I was about to warn you.

We got two kind of women here.

She's the kind we tip our hat to.

I got sense enough to know that.

Say, didn't you forget

to mention some little thing...

about the man you just buried there?

Like maybe he was kind

to small animals, or something?

The only animals

Robin Randall was ever interested in...

were the ones he could steal,

such as horses and cattle.

Was that ever proved against him,

or am I supposed to take your word for it?

Stranger, I'm not in the habit

of having my word doubted.

Jason, go get me a plate of barbecue,

will you? I'm starving.

For you, my love, anything.

By the way, my name's Calaveras Kate.

-I don't believe I quite caught yours.

-I don't believe I quite threw it.

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